


Begin Again

by baeasf



Series: me, you, and us [3]
Category: One Direction
Genre: F/M, Stella is a bit famous, alot is going on, im sorry if its shitty i try my best, last part I think, we will see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-02 23:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 72,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2829491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeasf/pseuds/baeasf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stella starts a new life in New York, she plans on never going back to London and getting sucked back into her old life. She fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii, i'm here again with the last part of this series I think. I like this part the best and I hope you do to. Anyway it's just Stella's pov because well you know...

Stella hears the alarm beep loudly in her ear, the harsh noise making her pissed off by the second. She rolls over and smashes the top with her hand, Stella rubs her eyes and opens them. Her room is dim, the bright sun being blocked by her curtains. She wips off her many blankets and pulls herself out of bed, she stretches and goes over to her curtains and pulls them open letting the light flood in. She's got the most wonderful view of New York City, she lives in a loft just across from Central Park. Sure its tons of money a month but she's got the money, she has a great job working in the photography business. Whether its a photoshoot for a Artist or band or a fashion company or for _Time's_ magazines she is there. And it's taken a year in a half to get where she is but she has and Stella is fucking happy. _So fucking happy_ with her life right now, she has a fantastic career a beautiful home and is living in one of the greatest city's in the world.

Once Stella gets out of the shower she puts on a black mini dress with black thigh high socks and a brand new pair of Shiny Burgendy Doc Martens. Her make up is light just mascara and eyeliner, by 8am she's out of the door walking the 4 blocks to her building. Stella is preparing for a shoot with a few new upcoming artist, so she has to get in early every day this week to try and figure out the schedule's and what the clients would like. It's all very overwhelming with tons of questions and things to sign every minute but that is why she's hired a assistant named Kelly to help her. The minute Stella steps through the elavator Kelly is next to her handing her a iced tea and a folder that Stella has to look through.

'Goodmoring Kelly, how's your day?' Stella chirps happily opening the folder and sipping her tea

'Great how's your's?'

'Could be better, but it is what it is'

'Hopefully tommrow it is. Today you have some paperwork regarding the people from _Brandy Melville_ about you modeling' Kelly says trying to keep up with Stella's fast stride to her office

'Dunno bout' the modeling I'll see' Stella mumbles saying goodmorning to anyone at the office which are most of her friends.

'They want to know by Thursday. Anyway you have the shoot with the new upcoming artist coming tommrow and they have a few places in mind where they wanted to shoot.' Kelly hands Stella another folder once they get into her medium sized office, the curtains are already opend giving the beautiful view of New York City.

'Right I will look over all of this, anything else?' Stella asks and Kelly is lookin through her planner quite quickly

'You have a meeting with Denna at 2:30 today'

'Do you know what about?' Stella asks crossing her legs on the big chair

'I heard that selected photographer's from this company are going to be picked to do a very important shoot in London next month, but you never fucking know' Kelly says in one breath and Stella laughs because Kelly never really swears

'Right thank you Kelly' Stella smile's sweetly at her, Kelly nods her head and leaves her office.

Of course Stella doesn't get to her work right away being the procrastinator she is. First she logs into her Mac and looks through a few websites and social media things, checks her emails and answers all of them. After that she plays a game on her phone and calls Kelly in to ask if she could bring her a muffin which she does and it was fucking good. After that Stella opens the folder and reads and signs thing's that need to be signed and looks through the locations for her shoot and calls the upcoming artist's manager and tells them what locations are good. By that time it's already 2:30 and Kelly is coming back in telling her its her meeting time.

Deena is the one who hired Stella, she had seen her portfolio from the 2 years at Uni and all of these other pictures that Stella sends into galleries and websites. So when Deena found out she was living in a box sized apartment in New York she hired her (one because her photo's are brilliant and she like's Stella's style) so they are close friends.

'Stella, darling I have a bussiness trip for you' Deena says as a hello, Stella just nods and sits down 'At the end of the month Dr. Marten's shoes company has asked if you could photograph there product, also if you could model a bit for them'

'I would love to actually but i'm more of a photographer, Deena'

'I know that hun, but you have to try new things, you would blossom as a model, Stella. It would make your career much bigger and it gives you a wide variety of things to do with your life. So if I were you I would take the job.' Deena said then her phone started to ring, she talked fast and nodded quickly before hanging up 'Right so you'll take the job? I need to do all of these arangments for your trip.'

'I suppose' Stella sighed and Deena claps and grins

'Wonderful, now i've got to go I'll see you tommrow love!' Deena says getting up and shoving thing's in her bag and leaving before Stella even has a chance to reply. Once Stella leaves her office she stops by Kelly's desk to tell her yes she will be taking the modeling job for Brandy Melville.

-

The rest of the week goes by smoothly, Stella does the shoot for the new upcoming artist and finishes all of her paperwork and finishes anymore work that needs to be done. So she leave's work early on Friday and goes to lunch with a great friend of her's called Lillian. They met on a photoshoot when Stella was just an intern setting up the lighting, and ever since then they have been great friends. They eat and talk for hours until Stella leaves and goes home to take a nap.

2 hour's later she's woken up by her phone buzzing she answer's with a groggy tone

'Stell?'

'Yes, hi hello?'

'It's Cody'

'Cody, hi babe'

Stella met Cody a few months ago and they aren't really in a relationship more of a friends with benefits type thing.

'Want to go out tonight?'

'Yey sure, what time is it?'

'It's six thirty i'll be there at 7:30'

The line went dead after that and stella made herself get out of bed and take a shower. When she was finished she started to slip into black high wasted shorts and a black long sleeved crop top that was cut low in the back. She paired the shorts with black ripped up tights and high heel ankle boot's. She left her hair natural and when she started to put her eye make up on her phone started to ring. It was a facetime from her sister Amber, they talked every other week or so just to catch up, but usually Amber called on her long distance phone. Stella had a phone for the UK and one for America so she could talk with her family and friends back in the UK. She quickly answered it and put the phone on the cabinet attached to the wall so Amber would be able to see her while putting her makeup on.

'Stellaaaaaaaaa'

'Hi Amber'

'How are you?'

'I'm good, I'm getting ready to go out right now'

They talk for a little bit about Alexa and other dumb shit until Amber actually gets to the point of this call

'mmm, so listen I'm flying in next weekend'

'You are? Really?'

'Yeah just gonna come down for a few day's with Alexa'

'What about Eric? Does he want to come down and maybe try and work things out?'

'I already asked him but he said no, he really doesn't want anything to do with me or Alexa anymore'

Amber and Eric had filed for a divorce a year after Stella has left the UK and things haven't been the same for them.

'I'm sorry Amber, he's a fucking asshole'

'I know I hate him so much, Alexa is already turning 5 and is always asking where her daddy is and why he is never home to read her a story anymore'

Stella's heart hurts at the thought of her sweet Alexa hurting because her dad isnt there anymore

'I swear when I see Eric he's gonna fucking hear it from me'

_'You will probably never see him again, he's moving to Italy with_ his new girlfriend'

'No way'

'Yep, he doesn't even want to see Alexa anymore he just send's checks every month for her'

'He is the biggest asshole oh my god'

'I know, anyway I'll be there Saturday morning It's alright if we stay with you right?'

'Of course. I think I'm going to be flying back with you i've got a shoot at the end of the month and I'm just gonna stay until then'

'Why don't you just wait until Zayn's wedding next month? It's to exspensive to fly back and fourth Stell'

'I've got the money dont worry about me. I just really want to be there for all of the wedding preperations you know? Perrie texted me the other day and said she was dress shopping and wished I was helping her look for a dress'

'Why dont you just move back, Stella? We all miss you'

'Because my life is here now, I have worked so hard for my life here and I finally made something of myself'

'You could be something here to you know, I was just talking to Harr- nevermind'

'What? What were you talking about with Harry? You can talk about him, I just dont know why you guys are even friends'

'I was gonna say that nothing was really the same when you and Bethany left and Harry is very fond of my daughter and I and I am quite fond of him aswell'

'Just a bit weird is all'

'It isnt weird at all, we hit it off right when we met you know that.'

'Yeah yeah whatever, listen I have to go Cody is gonna be here in five'

'When can I meet this Cody? You are with him all the time'

'Were just fuck buddie's is all Amber, you'll meet him when you come down'

'Alright, i'm so excited to see you! If only Bethany was with us'

'I know I know, I miss her more than you even know'

_'I'll talk to you soon, love you'_

'Love you to bye'

When the call ends Stella is finished with her makeup and Cody is knocking on the door.

　

　


	2. two

The next week is very, very, very busy for Stella. She had a photoshoot 3 days out of the week and tons of paperwork to look over and fill out plus traveling around New York to find new great places to shoot at. On top of all that she has the Brandy modeling thing to do so on Thursday she met with the company and tried on many outfits and setting up so on Friday she could model for them. It has been a very hectic week so after Cody left at 3 in the morning on Saturday morning, Stella was just about to fall asleep when she rememberd that Amber was going to be in New York in just a few hours. So instead of sleep she got up turned her stereo on and started to clean everything, from her bedroom to the guest room and the kitchen and the living room and both of the bathrooms. It isnt a very big loft so it wasnt a hassle, Stella also had a good 3 cups of coffee with a shot of vodka in it. By the time she was done cleaning the sun was rising at 6, so instead of tucking herself in the newely clean sheets of her bed Stella grabbed her pack of cigarretes, coffee and journal and made her way outside to her balcony.

Her balcony had a small black table with 2 chairs, Stella would come out here early in the mornings and just think and write. Stella thinks about how different things have been since she left the UK 3 years ago, Stella has just turned 22 and she hasnt seen any of her old friends in 3 years, Bethany has been gone for 4. She doesnt talk about her much, the only person who knows that Stella had been so close to her is Lillian but Stella doesn't like to talk about her past much. But she know's that Bethany is still with her, sometime's when its so quite in her loft and Stella feels like she's going insane Bethany will just appear next to Stella, and Stella fucking _swears_ she's real. Bethany will just reach over and wipe away Stella's tears and give her a small smile then she'll be gone and Stella is alone again. It's been so fucking hard getting over the death of her bestfriend, she would spend days at a time in her bed because she didnt have the strength to get up or would just have a mental breakdown in the middle of work and would have to go home early, maybe even take the week off. But Stella has gotten this far and now shes okay.

She's also gotten over Harry. Stella only knows a little bit about his life, she finds out small details about his life when she's talking to Amber or Zayn but thats it. All Stella know's is that she has a strong hatred for him, she has never hated someone more than she hates Harry Styles. Stella is so angry and hurt by him that it makes her just want to burn everything pretty in this world and turn it to ash so everyone can feel what she is feeling. But Stella has learned self-control and doesnt think about it much, she just focuses on herself and her work.

When Stella finishes writing a few things down and smokes a few cigarretes she goes inside and takes a short nap before Amber will be at her loft at 8.

The nap goes by rather quickly and Stella is being woken up by the buzzer ringing at her door, when she opens the door she see's her sister Amber who she hasnt seen in 3 years with Stella's neice Alexa who she had to watch grow through pictures, videos and factime.

'Amber' is all Stella can whisper

'Stella!' Amber squells and drops her bags and pulls Stella into a hug, Stella wraps her arms around her waste and just barries herself into her sister. Stella misses home more than she thought

'I missed you so fucking much' Stella whispers and she's crying now

'I missed you to' Amber says back, once they pull away Stella looks down at her niece who is now 4 years old and is so beautiful

'Hi baby' Stella coo's picking her up 'your so beautiful' she says hugging her tight and she's crying now.

Once they have said all of there hello's they bring in all of there bags and get settled in they wrap themselves in coats and go out to breakfast. Stella is wearing tight black skinny jeans and a black sweater with a big black coat and her new burgendy docs. Her sister still looks the same, with long curly black hair like her own and a beautiful face, she changes out of her sweats and sports a gray knitted dress with black tights and a peacoat. Alexa has big hazel eyes and big hair just like her mum.

They go to a cafe near by and talk about Amber and Alexa's life and just the good things, avoiding the divorce and the heartache that Amber is going through at the moment. They avoid talking about the past and all of the shit Stella has been through which is quite a bit. She's thankful for that, just catching up with each other because it really has been such a _long time_ and it has Stella thinking that maybe she should move back to the UK. Her company is in New York, Los Angeles, London and in Tokyo so she could work at any of those places.

After there done eating and shopping and sight seeing they go back to Stella's loft and it's already dark out and Stella can see that Amber is exhausted but she stays up and talks to Stella about everything that has been eating away at her.

'I fucking hate him so much, Stella. He can leave me but he _cant_ leave Alexa, not like this. Not like our dad did to us.'

'You need to tell him that Amber, tell him that his daughter need's him. Life is going to be so much harder with out a dad we both know that'

'I can love her enough for the both of us but I just dont want her to think that it's her fault that her parent's arent together anymore. I dont want us to be back together because I know that I'm a better person without him'

'I know you are your the strongest person I know and you shouldnt need a man to make it.' Stella hugs her sister, when they pull away it's quiet and they both know that this question has been dying to be asked, so Stella just comes right out and says it

'How is he?' Stella says quietly

Amber sighs 'He's good, better I would say.'

'Better?'

'Yes better when you left you completly crushed him you do know that, right?'

'I honestly thought he wouldnt even give a fuck. He didnt give a fuck about _me, Amber_ ' Stella sighs getting angrier, she hasnt really talked about what had happend between them with anyone.

'But you have to imagine how he feels, Stella. You treated each other like shit and now it blew up in your faces. He wanted to come to New York with me you know, wanted to see if he could work things out'

'Thats fucking bullshit, Zayn told me he started to sleep around a month after I left. Me and him will never go back to the way we were, nothing will ever be the same.' Stella sighs sadly 'after Bethany died everything just went to shit, I had a small piece of hope when she was alive but when she died she took me with her. All that was left of me was anger and sadness and I guess I took it out on Harry and then he took it out on me'

'You shouldnt blame yourself for the way he treated you, him leaving you alone for weeks at a time and cheating on you is not your fault.'

'I try'ed to tell myself that all the time but it never got through my head. Harry was always irritated with me, dunno if it was because I was depressed or that I was still horribly stuck in Bethanys death. We did have great, great times also though and I miss those time's so much- fuck' Stella says her eyes burning with tears. 'Sometimes I wish that we could have all of the bad times back just so we could have the good.'

They both say goodnight to each other after that and Stella lays in her cold big bed, starting to miss Harry now. This is why Stella never like to talk or think about it him because then his memory eats away at her and the heart ache never leaves.

 


	3. three

It's been 4 days since Amber has stayed with Stella, it has been the best 4 days in such a long time and maybe Stella really will move back to the UK just for her. Stella doesnt think she can handle leaving again, she's already to attached. Stella will leave in the morning and go to work for a few hours than will go home early and Amber, Alexa, and Stella will go shopping or sight seeing or walk around central park. Other time's they will just stay in and watch disney movies and order in large amounts of food.

But today is differant because Bethany has gone out for the day without Stella and Alexa. She said she had friends that she wanted to see here in New York so Stella stayed home and watched Alexa. Stella doesnt mind though she enjoys her niece. They spend there day watching the little mermaid and playing with Alexa's tons of toys while Alexa chatters about her days at school and other things. They play and watch movies for hours until Alexa starts getting restless and cranky, so Stella suggests they go out for ice cream. There's a small ice cream parlor right down the street, Stella bundles her and herself up in coats since its pretty chilly outside.

Stella grabs Alexa's hand as they walk out of her building they walk down the sidewalk together and talk about things like princesses and how Stella promised they would bake cookies when they get back. Just after they get there ice cream and sit down at the table by the window her phone starts ring and it's Zayn calling.

'Hello?'

'Stella hi'

'Zayn hi'

'How are you babe?'

'I'm good, I'm actually with Alexa right now, eating icecream'

'How lovely, is Amber enjoying it out there?'

'Yeah were both having a great time. I'm actually flying back with her to London'

'Oh really? That's fuckin sick! Your gonna stay till the wedding?'

'Yey I'm pretty sure, wanted to come a bit early to help out a bit'

'Thats so great, Stella. I really miss you'

'I miss you to Zayn, I miss everyone. Been thinkin about getting a house out in the UK'

'That would be fuckin sick, could see you every day again- listen I have to go Harry and Niall are here, gonna go eat. I'll call you in a bit.'

'Alright, enjoy your dinner'

'Wait hello Stella?'

'Yes? Zayn?'

'No it's Harry-'

Stella hung up when she heard those three words, the last time she heard his fucking voice was almost a year and a half agao, it was late at night and Stella was just getting home. She was out with Cody when her phone started to ring and it was Harry. The things that Harry had fucking said to her were horrible. Stella could still here his words in the back of her mind _'I didnt fucking need you anyway Stella, all you did was fuck with my mind. Wish I never would have never met you'_ Stella knew Harry was drunk and she was a little bit to but it still hurts late at night.

Stella takes a few deep breaths and tries to control her breathing

'Come on Lex, time to go home and bake those cookies' Stella says trying to stay calm for the sake of her niece. Stella throws away there ice cream and grabs Alexa's hand and they take the walk back to the Loft.

Stella is still a little bit shooken up when Amber get's home a few hours later, and Stella tries not to cry when she tell's her when Alexa goes to sleep. It's just Stella hasnt talked to him or seen him in such a long time and she's still in love with him and misses him deeply, it all just fucking hurts. She just wishes things were differant that maybe they would stay together forever and Stella fucking hates thinking about it and wishes that she never met him eather because he fucking ruined her for life. She will never be the same, never will be able to have another relatioinship because she has him to compare it to, will always have the taste in her mouth, always have his touch burning her skin. It's just she's tired of being angry. Maybe closure is what she needs like Amber had said before _'you need to get over it, you need closure you keep dwelling on the past.'_ And Stella has tried to get over many things like Bethanys death and it turned out okay so when she tries getting over Harry things dont fucking work out? Now that Amber is here she has brought the pain and wonderful memories that is Harry with her.

-

On Saturday Stella is packing her suitcase. She was having the biggest battle on deciding to go back to London or not. She didnt want to go becuase of Harry and she really really didnt want to see him ever again, she's trying to get away from him not to see him. And she really really wants to go for Zayn and Perrie's wedding and all of her old friends that she missed and just London in general. She loves New York to death but England is home. So finally after chain smoking a few cigarretes out on the balcony she finally decided that she was going to go. Just for the wedding and friends, she has work to do there as well. So really no choice. And why should Harry have some control over her desicions? She fucking hates him and Stella is not depending on someone else for happiness anymore, she gave that up the moment she got on that fucking plane.

So Stella is currently packing for about a month maybe more, but no one has to know. After she's done she goes out to the living room and see's Alexa coloring and watching a movie and Amber is cooking something like pasta.

'All finished packing?' Amber asks, Stella nods and pulls herself up on the counter

'Yeah, bit nervous'

'What for?'

'Dunno it's just been a long time you know? What if things like arent the same?'

'Well of course things are gonne be different, it's been almost 4 years. You left without saying why you were leaving and didnt tell anyone, I thought you fell off the face of the earth.'

'I told Zayn and wrote a note to Harry' Stella interjected trying not to feel guilty

'Thanks for telling me by the way. Anway nothing really has changed beside's you and Bethany being gone'

'I miss her so much' Stella whispers. Amber nods sadly and piles the food on plates and calls Alexa to the table so they can all eat.

'Right so when am I going to meet this Cody guy? You havent seen him or talked about him all week' Amber said once they finally sat down

'I actually saw him yesterday when I went running we also had a quick-' Stella stopped in the middle of her sentance remembering the small child '-chat, I invited him over for dinner actually, if thats alright. He should be here any minute' and just then there was a knock on the door

'Stella why didnt you tell me!?' Amber yelled after Stella as she ran to the door. She wasnt really dressed nice just in jeans and a white t-shirt, many necklaces dangled from her neck and her hair was up in a very messy bun that she hasnt fixed since she got up in the morning. She wasnt wearing any makeup or anything, but Stella knew Cody wouldnt mind.

Stella opend the door and there he stood as beautiful as ever, Stella is feeling very different lately about there relationship. She gets all blushy and feels electricity shoot through her whenever they kiss really hard.

'Hi' Stella said grinning

'Hi babe' he said taking a step towards her and wrapping his arm around her waist pulling her in for a short kiss.

'Come meet my sister' Stella whisperd against his lips. She grabs him by the hand and leads him to the kitchen.

They end up talking for hours, Cody charmed the shit out of Amber and Alexa and Stella really isnt surprised. Hes great, funny, sweat and so nice. Later on when it was around 11 and Alexa fell asleep on the couch Amber said goodnight and took Alexa in the room with her. So Stella lead Cody to her bedroom and closed the door, Stella stripped off her shirt and jeans and crawled into bed while Cody did the same.

'Will you go to London with me?' Stella asked as Cody climbed in after her, he looked taken back for a second but then he wrapped his arms around her waste, buried his head in her neck and tangled his legs with hers.

'Why?'

'Because I dont want to go alone'

'You arent going to be alone'

'I just will feel alot better if your with me' Stella mumbled because it's true, before Cody and Stella became fuck buddies they were bestfriends.

'I have work, Stella i cant just drop everything'

'Yes you can, Cody please. For me' Stella said silently praying he will say yes.

'Fine' he mumbled

'Yes, great oh my god i'm so happy you said yes! Pack for around a month or so, I'll help you. Oh and you need something nice to wear to the wedding, I just know you and Zayn will get on well, Niall is amazing as well. Oh god I wonder how Liam is he probably miss-'

Cody silenced her with a kiss and Stella immedialty melted into it. 'Since your doing me this wonderful favor you deserve a reward' Stella mumbled seductively, she started to kiss his neck and then started to go down lower to his chest.

They were bestfriends with lots of benenfits after all.

 


	4. four

The plane ride to London was long but good, they sat first class curtecy of Denna. Once they finally landed in Heathrow airport Stella got a wave of deja vu, she remembers clearly arriving here anxiety taking over her body with an urgency to leave this place like never before. But now she's arrving in a town that she has missed so much, with her lover and sister. It's all so differant and Stella cant quite shake the anxiety she feels floating in her veins.

They end up having to call 2 cabs in order to fit all of there luggage so Stella and Cody go in one and Amber and Alexa in the other, they take the half hour to get to Ambers house. During the ride Stella spends her time looking out the window and seeing all of the places she has missed, the resterante called Skinners that she hasnt been to in ages is still there. The Univeristy she used to go to and her old apartment building she lived in with Bethany. Its all very nostaligic and Stella has the urge to cry but she controls herself over the sake of Cody. Cody knows what had happend with Bethany and Harry but thats really all about her past, nothing more. He know's a bit about her friends. Cody must have felt her tense state so he wraps an arm around her shoulder and pulls him to his side. Stella gripss his plane black t-shirt and burys her face in it, unable to contain her emotions.

'Hey, whats the matter?' Cody asks his lips brushing her forhead

'I'm just happy to be back thats all' she sniffles and wipes her eyes, the cab goes to a hault and there parked infront of Bethany's house. It's a small 2 storie house but lovely

Cody and Stella unload there bags first then help with Ambers and she really did over pack and came home with more things then she went to New York with. After setteling in and putting Cody and Stellas bags in the room, Stella was tired as shit and really just wanted to pass out and sleep till tommrow. So she took a quick shower (Cody joining of course _'we dont want to raise Ambers water bill now do we?')_ after she just slipped on underwear and one of Codys shirts and passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow.

-

Stella doesnt wake up till 12 the next morning, the sun is streaming in through the beige curtains and she forgets for a second where she even is and then she realizes it. Stella is back in London and she is 22 years old and her sleeping bestfriend slash lover is sleeping beside her. The house is empty when Stella finally decides to get up, she goes down the carpeted stairs after digging through her suitcase and finding a pair of jean shorts. There's a note on the counter from Amber

'At work for a few hours, Alexa is at school. Be home at 3, theres food in the kitchen help yourself. Love ya glad your here xxx'

Stella reads it a few time's again then goes back up the stairs and crawls back into bed. She wakes up Cody with light kisses on his neck and face

'Morning' she grins and kisses him again he groans in response and flutters his eyes open

'What time is it?'

'12:30' Stella says getting her phone from the bedside table

'How do people deal with these time changes, its like 7 at home'

'Only five hours babe, come on lets go get some food'

'I dont think I can get up' Cody said rolling over

'Then no more sex for this entire trip' Stella says leaving the room and laughing loudly when she hears the thump of Cody falling out of bed.

-

They both get ready; Stella sporting (since the weather is still chilly) a burgendy flannel that happens to be Cody's, blue jeans, and black fans. Her hair is down and as curly as ever with no makeup and her black raybans hiding the sleepyness showing on her eyes. Cody is wearing a white t-shirt and black skinnys with a red flannel and also is wearing vans and raybans. You could say they match alot. They go and eat breakfest and walk and shop around a bit, it feels so great to be back and she wants to run right over to Zayns but the truth is she isnt ready to see anyone yet. This place reminds her so much of Bethany and Stella is hit with a wave of emotions every time she thinks about it, but she tries not to let it effect her. Stella stopped crying in bathrooms along time ago.

After the shopping and eating and running around with Cody they finally get back to Ambers house around 4, Stella finds the door unlocked and she pushes the door open with her bags. But she drops them when she see's Zayn sitting on the couch with Niall, Stella's eyes immediatly fill with tears as Zayn turns his head and grins, gets up from the couch and Stella walks over to him slowly. They dont even hug right away Stella is just fucking weird and stares at him for a good 30 seconds while crying, she finally throws her arms around his neck and Zayns hand wrap around her back and its all so nice. They hug for awhile not wanting to let go and let this moment disapear, but eventally Stella lets go and hug Niall next and crying even more because she missed both of them _so much._

'How are you babe' Niall says and Stella laughs while crying

'I'm great Niall, I missed you'

'Missed you to, havent seen you in fucking ages you cunt why havent you visited?'

Stella pulled away and wiped her eyes 'doenst matter now does it you prat, I'm here now'

Niall laughed and put his hand against her cheek 'Havent changed a bit'

Stella laughed again and turned around to find Zayn and Cody talking

'This is Cody by the way my..'

'Boyfriend good to meet you' he said shaking Niall's and Zayns hand

'Right boyfriend' Stella said not tearing her eyes away from him. He looked down to her and winked. They all sat down on the couch while Alexa sat on Niall's lap and Amber orderd take out.

They talked about what they had been up to and how everything has been since Stella had been gone.

'It was pretty shit when you left, Stella. Nobody knows how to party like you do' Niall said sipping his beer

'Oi I reckon i'm a great party go-er'

'You became a bore when you got engaged Malik' Niall laughed

'I dont really party that much anymore'

'What the fuck? When was the last time you went to a proper party and got pissed?'

'Umm maybe a year ago? I mean Cody and I get buzzed and go clubbing sometimes but not really' Stella said shrugging

'What your not into that?' Niall said to Cody getting offended

'I am but Stella doesnt like to go out that much' Cody said and Stella looked down at her hands

'You used to love to go out and get fucked up' Zayn said questions written over his face

'Not anymore, I'm a changed woman' Stella said trying to smile

'Right, does that mean you dont smoke bowls anymore?'

'Havent in 8 months'

'Fuckin hell, how do you live?' Zayn said

Stella shrugged 'Not everyone is a pot head like you Zayn' she teased

'Oh come off it, you and I used to smoke more weed than this country does' Zayn said smiling at the memory

'Well not anymore, I have a career now and a relationship to look after' Stella said and Niall rolled his eyes

'Your 22 for fucks sake nows the time to be reckless' Niall said 'How bout tonight we go out? I know a rave thats happening tonight thats sopposed to be good shit'

The thought of going out didnt settle well with Stella but it's been awhile 'Want to?' Stella asks turning to Cody

'Yeah if you want. Seems fun' he shrugged

'Yeah, now theres a lad!' Niall said with a grin on his face

'Alright sure we'll go' Stella said forcing a smile 'Right so hows Liam?'

'He's alright I guess, he was gutted when he found out you left' Zayn said 'Had a hard time getting over Bethany thats for sure, when she passed he was never the same. Till this day he still isnt'

Stella nodded sadly unable to make i contact with Zayns. 'I should see him'

'He's gonna be at the rave tonight' Niall piped in, interrupting his and Codys conversation

'Properly would be better, where its quiet'

Niall shrugged and continued talking to Cody.

They talked for awhile more until Zayn had to go pick up Perrie from her photoshoot and Niall was his ride home. Stella and Cody had to get ready for the night out and Amber was going to there mums house for the night with Alexa. Amber had asked Stella to go even though she knew they dont get along and Stella declined because even after all this time her mum still doesnt support Stella in anything she does.

Stella and Cody are in the shower together, Cody is shampooing Stella's hair when she realized that Cody had said he was her boyfriend

'Cody you arent my boyfriend'

'I know' he said continuing humming some song

'Then why did you say you were?' Stella asks closing her eyes and going under the spray to wash the shampoo out 'were fuck buddies'

'What was I supposed to say? _"Oh me and Stella fuck all of the time and also eat food together sometimes"_ that doesnt look very good, Stell.'

'I dont give a fuck what sounds good and what doesn't, Zayn and Niall wouldnt question. Were also bestfriends remember that part?' Stella says turning around to face him. His black hair matted down to his forhead so Stella pushes it to the side so she could see his eyes better

'Lets just pretend its love, alright?' he whispers and starts to kiss her neck

'Alright boyfriend'

-

It was a very cold night walking the streets of London to the place were the rave was held, it was only a few blocks from Ambers house. Stella was sporting a black tight dress, making the swell of her arse look great, the dress dipped low down her back right above her arse and it was thick strapped and made her boobs look appealing. She wore tights with stretched out looking ripped parts under pairing it with her black doc martens. Her hair was wild as ever considering right before she was done with her hair and makeup and was just about to get dressed Cody and Stella had a quick fuck. So she had a stylish case of sex hair. Her lips stained red and eyes dark, while Cody was wearing a well fitted black button up with black jeans and a leather jacket. They were a very stylish couple if Stella was honest and Cody was fucking attractive and had the jaw line and facial hair of a god.

Once they get to the rave its in full swing and Zayn is smoking a ciggarette outside by the doors. They give each other hugs and Zayn leads them inside, its packed and the overwhelming smell of drugs and alcohol is making Stella's eyes water. Zayn leads them to the bar where a bunch of people she used to know are sipping drinks and chatting unaware of her presence. Stella ducks her head and feels for Cody's hand behind her, she grabs it and intertwines there fingers and pulls him trying to get to the other side of the bar. She makes it half way before her name is being called by a very enthusiatic voice and it cant be anyone else but Louis Tomlinson.

'Stella Courage!' he yells after her and Stella turns around and gives him a grin because yes she really is glad to see him but where there is Louis there is Harry.

'Lou' Stella says walking back over to him Cody in tow, she gives him a tight hug. She also greets Jesy and Perrie, they both squel and kiss her cheeks and give her tight hugs.

'This is Cody by the way, my boyfriend' she says unable to stop herself from grinning. They give him hugs and kisses on the cheek and Stella is so happy to be back and to be excepted after all these years. They all chat about the wedding and what they have all been up to when she see's him.

Stella see's him from the corner of her eye, he's talking with these 2 girls making them fucking swoon. She turns her head and looks at him and fuck he looks so good and Stella doesnt know how she was able to see him through instagram photos for 4 years. Because now she feels like she's going to cry and her knees are giving out, she misses him so much and she just wants to go over there and hug him. But then he turns his head and meets her eye and they stare at each other for 3 seconds until Stella rips her eyes away and takes Cody's hand and excuses them. She pulls him towards the entrance and into the cold air, she fucking remembers like a flash of memories with him. From the first time she bumped into him to the last. To the day she went to 'Skinners' with him to the day she left to the airport, tears start to well up in her eyes

Once there outside Stella lets go of Cody's hand and starts walking down the sidewalk quickly hoping it's towards Amber's house.

'Stella wait!' Cody says trying to keep up with her stride

'I cant do this, we're going home' Stella mumbles

'Wait, wait wait!' Cody says quickly going infront of Stella and holding her arms so she cant run away 'why are we leaving?'

'I saw him' Stella mumbles putting her hands over her face 'I fucking saw him and he saw me'

'So what? That part of your life is gone, Stella. You cant let him get you down like you did before, your stronger this time' Cody said wrapping his arms around her pulling Stella into a hug.

'Your right, your right. I dont depend on anyone for happiness anymore'

'Exactly. Now were going to go back in there and get fucked up and your not going to care about Harry anymore.'

Stella nodded and stood on her tip-toes to peck Codys lips. Cody intertwined there fingers leading the way back to the club, and go straight to the bar. Stella doesnt look at Harry when she passes right by him but she can feel him staring her down but she doesnt even look away from Cody and her's intertwined hands.

And they really do get fucked up.

 


	5. five

Stella woke up the next morning with one of the worst headaches in such a long time. Shes just in her bra and underwear her hair a pile of mess, and her makeup smeared and in her eyes uncomfortably. Cody was sound asleep next to her his face buried in there many pillows and blankets, Stella rolls out of bed and her head is throbbing so painfully that she just goes downstairs without putting anything to cover her mostly naked body. _"Everyone is probably gone anyway"_ Stella thinks to herself. She practically runs down the stairs and into the kitchen flipping through the cabinets not paying any attention to her surroundings at all, she finds the bottle and pops three into her mouth while turning on the sink and takes a few gulps. The water refreshes her mostly dry throat and she turns around and her mouth drops open and her cheeks flare because _fucking hell._

'Bloody hell' Stella mumbles to herself because there is Harry sitting at the kitchen table with her young niece eating french toast and coloring in princess coloring books and he's _staring at her_ , with his jaw to the floor and his eyes roaming. And there is Stella in her nude colored strapless bra that is not covering much and her black lacy victoria secret underware. It's not like Stella is even insecure and Harry has seen her naked loads of times but this time its differant, its been 4 years and things are so differant so she _sprints_ out of the kitchen and up the stairs. When she gets to her room she slams the door shut and her heart is pounding in her ear and she feels like she needs to cry because she _CANT handle this._ Stella has a history of anxiety problems and right now she's having a episode. In midst of Stella's anxiety attack Cody sturs awake

'Babe whats wrong?'

'He's down stairs, Cody! Down stairs!' Stella whispers like Harry's ear is pressed to the door

'Who?'

'Harry!' she whisper screams

'Why are you whispering?'

'I dont fucking know ok, I just need to get out of here right now and not come back. I should have never come in the first place and never listend to Amber-' Stella stops pacing and her hand clench at her sides 'Amber' she whispers to herself. Then Stella leaps back into the bed and searches for her phone under the pillows and covers and once she finds it she dials Ambers number right away.

'Hello?'

'Amber'

'What is it? I have to get back to work'

'Why is Harry downstairs eating french toast and coloring in princess books with Alexa!?' Stella says very urgently and some what loudly

'Um maybe because I asked if he could babysit Alexa? Why is that such a problem?'

'That is why I am here! To watch my niece why you are gone! Are you fucking dumb? You _know_ why I am freaking out, how could you do this to me-'

'Stella you are so dramatic! Get over it already! Harry is over it already, build a fuckin bridge and get over it! And I came in this morning to wake you but you and Cody were dead asleep Stella what do you want me to do?'

'Um poor water on me? Slap me to life? I dont fucking know but you didnt have to do _this_ '

'Right so I need to get back to work I will see you in a few hours, play nice with Harry'

Then the line went dead and Stella drops her phone to the floor and burys her body under the blankets. Just then she notices that Cody isnt next to her anymore or in the bed or in the bathroom, so Stella opens the door and very quietly walks to the top of the stairs to hear Harry and Cody talking like they have known each other for years. Stella goes back to the room and strips off her underwear and bra, she goes into the bathroom but keeps the light off letting the sun light filter shine through the bathroom window. She thinks and calms herself down in the shower, _"I can do this, just build a bridge and get over it like Amber said, just act normal like the love of your life and the person you hate the most is not in your sisters kitchen chatting with your fuck buddy"_ Right she can do this. Stella gets out of the shower and puts on black ripped jeans and rolls them up to the bottom of her calv and a black crewneck that has a willow tree on it. She combs her hair and just puts it up in a wet messy bun, Stella brushes through her eyelashes with mascara but that is really it. She grabs her black raybans and her penny board that Louis gave her a few years ago and made her way downstairs.

She waits a few moments before going into the kitchen just listening to Cody and Harry's chatter mixed with Alexa's talking. She takes a deep breath and enters the kitchen, she walks quickly to Alexa and gives her a quick kiss on her forehead. She can feel Harry and Cody staring at her but she doesnt look at them just walks to the fridge and opens it looking for something to take on the go. She feels Cody place his hands on her hips but she doesnt turn around, she simply takes a juice box and closes the fridge. When she turns around Cody is looking down at her with a small smile

'Morning' He says and it leaning down for a kiss and Stella quickly takes a glance over his shoulder at Harry and he's staring right at them and Stella hates herself. Right before Cody is about to kiss her lips Stella turns her head so he plants it right on her cheek. 'Whats the matter?' he mumbles

'We will talk later' Stella mumbles sternly and she grabs an apple and leaves the kitchen but right before she grabs the doorknob she hears Harry call out after her

'Your body is still great by the way Stella!' and Stella feels embarressment and anger flood her body. She walks quickly into the kitchen and he has the most shit eating grin and it makes Stella furios so she looks him straight in the eye which gives her chills

'Fuck. Off.' and she stomps out of the house and she can here Harrys loud laugh right before the door slams but Stella tries not to cry so she shoves her black raybans over her eyes and starts the route to Zayn's house.

-

When she finally gets to Zayns she knocks on the door and is drinking her juicebox quickly. By the time he opens the door he has bad bed head and is only wearing sweats but he lets her in anyway mumbling a 'hi'. Stella throws the juicebox in the bushes right before she walks in but no one has to know. Stella sets her phone and sunglasses on the table next to the door and when she looks up Zayn is walking over to her with a long sleeved black shirt and his arms open. Stella grins and walks to him slowly wrapping her arms around his torso and buring her face in his neck. She breathes in his scent that she has missed so much

'I missed you so much Zayn, things have been so hard I'm so tired of being alone and being without Bethany' Stella says tears steadily streaming down her face

'I'm sorry you were left alone for so long, but you arent going to be anymore know why? Because your here now and I'm never letting you not visit for more than a month, understand?'

Stella nods pulling away from the hug and wiping at her eyes. Zayn gives her a small smile and pushes a piece of hair behind her year

'Come on, I'll make tea'

They have been sitting on the couch for 2 hours now drinking tea spiked with vodka and smoking bowls. Stella has missed things like this; smoking with Zayn or going out early in the morning and spray painting art onto the walls of London. Just him in general because it feels like nothing has changed, like Bethany is still alive and waiting at the flat a few blocks away. Like Harry is working at the bakery still around the corner and would go to wear Stella is because they loved each other. If she could turn back time and find a way to make this differant to maybe not come to the univerity she chose or drink so much or just fucking bumped into Harry and kept walking with her head fucking down. Maybe if Stella would have said no to hanging out with him and would have not gone to see Mayday Parade in the little shack down the street from Skinners then Bethany would still be alive. Maybe if they both would have chose differant descions things wouldnt have played out like they have, and it fucking sucks. Fate and all. They were currently talking about how they should do a clash of Zayns are and Stella's photography

'Anyway Liam should be here any minute' Zayn says after a moment of silence

'What?' Stella says a wave of shock going up her spine

'He's coming over and were going to go play a bit of footie with Tommo and Harry later. You and Cody should come it would be fun-'

'Im not going' Stella says sternly

'And why not?'

'You know why Zayn. Does no one fucking understand that I am _trying_ to avoid Harry, for fucks sake'

Zayn rolls his eyes 'fuck Harry then! Dont let him get in the way of anything you do anymore. Why is it that your way over Bethany than you are Harry?'

Ouch. 'I am not over Bethany and I never fucking will be alright? It's just that Bethany is gone and Harry isnt, he's still alive and healthy and I-' Stella doesnt even finish because she's so fucking _tired_. Tired of explaining herself and Zayn is right, Harry should be irrelevant to her life. So thats how it's going to be from now on.

'You know what? Fuck it, I'll go but I dont think Cody will be up for it. He's not into football'

'Brilliant, and no crying and touchy feelings, I want you on my team so we can kick arse'

Stella laughs loudly at that

-

Liam comes over and they hug for a long time but never talk about what had happend. And Stella is greatful because yes she does need closure from Liam but not right now because right now Stella is barging through the door to Ambers house and quickly running up the stairs. Amber still isnt home and she left a note for her on the counter saying that she and Alexa went to a friends house for dinner.

'Cody' Stella says shaking his arm a little bit

'Hmm' Cody says groggily and opens his eyes to look at Stella. 'Decide to fucking talk to me now' he says and Stella is a bit taken back but then she remembers this mornings events and feels a little guilty.

She toes off her vans and crawls into bed laying on top of him and kisses his chest 'I'm sorry, love. I didnt mean to be so harsh with you, I was just overreacting a bit.'

Cody sighs and wraps his arms around her waist and kisses her forehead 'It's alright, I know your going through a ton of shit right now'

'Your so understanding! This is why I love you' she mumbles and Cody chuckles 'Oh! Shit I have to get to Zayns'

'No stay, we can go get food down the street and have lots of sex'

'As tempting as that sounds' Stella says digging through her suitcase 'Zayn has invited you and I to go play footie'

'Footie?' Cody asks sitting up

'Soccer' Stella says rolling her eyes. She slips on her pair of tie-dyed spandex shorts and a grey crewneck thats a bit to big for her. Pairs it her beat up black vans since she has outgrown her old cleats.

'I didnt even know you played soccer' Cody mumbles getting dressed as well

'I used to back i was younger and in Uni but then when I moved to New York I stopped. It's been ages really' Stella says looking up at Cody and he's grinning at her

'I love it when you talk british to me' and Stella laughs loudly and crawls over to him and lays on top of him on the bed again and sucks on his tounge to let him know what she thinks about that.

-

When they get to the field it's still cold but the sun is out and Stella can see Liam and Harry in the distance kickin the ball around and then Zayn and louis are setting up cones.

'Are you sure about this? Last time I played soccer was my freshman year of highschool' Cody says looking intimidated

'Dont worry about it, were just going to be fucking around. I'm probably rubbish at it now anyway' Stella reasurres intertwining there fingers. Once Cody and Stella get to the field they all exchange hello's and hugs except for Stella and Harry they just make awkward eye contact.

'Lets get this going then' Louis shouts and they split into teams; Stella, Zayn, and Liam on one and Cody, Harry, and Louis on the other. It starts off sloppy, Stella just tries to get used to the feel again and after an hour she's shouting and laughing loudly at her teammates and opponets. She's running after Louis and once she gets infront of him and steals the ball from him Stella races down the field. Her lungs are screaming and she's sweaty, hot and cold at the same time. All of a sudden Harrys next to her trying to get a steal but instead she pushes him roughly to the side and kicks the ball with all of her might and before she can even see it go in the goal she feels herself falling. She falls rougly in the muddy part of the slightly damp grass, her leg catches on some rocks and the pain is stinging. Half of her body is coverd in mud and her leg is burning painfully. She sits herself up and looks at her knee and thigh witch is bleeding and has a couple of scrapes. The rest of the guys jog over to her and when Stella looks up it's Harry standing there his hand out and Stella takes it. The feeling of his hand on hers sends electricity bolting through her body.

'Are you alright?' he asks and Stella really hasnt fully got to take him in until now. His curly frindge isnt really to the side anymore, it's more pushed back into a quiff almost. He's gotten alot more tattoos and is a bit broder and generally older, and Stella is still in fucking love.

'I'm alright, uh thanks' she mumbles awkwardly

'Are you hurt Stella, oh my god' Cody says sounding out of breath when he gets to her

Stella grins at him 'I'm fine Cody, just a few scrapes'

'That was fucking sick, Stella! I knew you still had it in you' Louis says excitedly and ruffles her messy hair

'Thanks tommo, but I fucked up my leg' Stella mumbles looking at it more clearly

'It's already getting dark anyway, we should just go' Liam says rubbing some mud off of Stella's cheek

'We can go to my flat, we can get takeout or something' Harry says a little to earnestly 'I mean if you lot are up for it'

Louis shruggs and the rest of them nod except for Stella. All eyes are on her like she's the fucking captain 'Yeah I guess' she shruggs and Cody fucking grins at that because yes maybe Cody and Harry are becoming something like best mates. They laugh and talk non-stop and they do really get on well and Stella doesnt want to be the buzz kill of the night so she agrees.

-

Once they all squezze into Louis' car (Stella squished between Harry and Cody which is painfully awkward and fuck Harry smells so good after being coverd in some mud and sweat) they drive the 10 minute drive to Harry's flat. And when they pull up outside of the building Stella realizes that it's the same flat that she had lived in with him. She takes a glance at him and he's just staring down at his folded hands not saying a word. They all climb the flight of stairs that Stella remembers that they would race down sometimes and whoever lost had to give the other a piggy back ride to wherever they were going. Stella and Harry would always walk everywhere, wouldnt really take a cab or the bus walking was more fun to them.

The flat was still the same but with a some new furniture and a few new things. When Stella see's the couch that she used to sit on waiting for Harry all day to come home she almost looses her calm.

'Um Cody' Stella says touch his bicep and he turns to her cutting off his conversation with Zayn and Liam 'Can I maybe wear this flannel, I'm all coverd in mud'

'Oh yeah sure thing babe' Cody says slipping off his flannel and giving it to Stella she mumbles a thanks and is on her way to the bathroom

'Wait, Stella!' she hears Harry deep voice call after her, she turns around and he walks past her and into the bathroom

'Let me give you some stuff for your cuts' Harry mumbles looking under the sink. Stella nods and lifts herself onto the counter so she's sitting and waits for Harry to find whatever he's looking for.

Once he gets neosporn he puts it on a Q-tip and is about to put it on the side of her thigh but looks up to Stella

'Go on' she mumbles not breaking eye contact. It stings a bit when Harry applies it to her cuts but Stella cant even focus on that because here she is sitting on her old flat bathroom counter with the person she's sopposed to hate but still loves putting neosporn on her cuts. It all is very weird and taking her breath away.

'So how have you been?' Harry mumbles awkwardly putting a spider-man band-aid on Stella's elbow

'Your really trying to make small talk with me right now?' Stella says filling the anger run through her veins. Now she remembers why she hates him so much

'Just trying to be a bit friendly' says Harry as he gets a small towel and puts water on it and rubs it on Stella's cheek where the dried mud is. Stella doesnt look away from his eyes and Harry doesnt look away from hers, and it's like Harry is searching for something in Stella's eyes. Like he's trying to read her and find out why. She breaks eye contact and takes the towel from his hand

'Thanks but I can take care of it from here' she says a bit harshly

'Right, I'll see you out there' Harry mumbles and leaves the bathroom closing the door with a small click. Stella lets out a breath and pulls her knee's to her chest but winces because of her cuts. She hops off of the bathroom counter and pulls off her crewneck, she rubs the towel over her arms and legs where the mud is and take's her shoes and socks off. Once all the mudd is gone and her hair isnt as bad she puts on the flannel and buttons it. She leaves the bathroom then puts her folded crewneck and muddy shoes by the door and joins the rest of them in the kitchen.

There all drinking beers and eating a pizza that must have been brought by Niall because he has now joined them along with Perrie and Amy. Stella gives them hugs and tries to join in the conversation. But it is hard because it's this weird thing how Stella cant stop staring at him.

He's been gone from her life for so long and at these random moments in the day when Stella is waiting for her coffee or doing her morning run in Central Park she thinks about him. It's like he's in the back of her mind buried behind the hurt and happiness and self appreciation that Stella has learned to gain. But then he will resurface at the most unexspected times and it will always be like that and Stella just wants to throw all of the wine glasses and beer bottles at the walls and get in Harry's face and look him in the fucking eye and tell him _everything_. Wants to tell him all the pain and hurt he has caused her, wants to cause the same pain for him. Wants to tell him _"your in my veins, you fuck"_

and coincedently that quote is tattooed in small letters just under the lining of her collarbone.

 


	6. six

A few days later Stella is being shooken awake with a high pitched voice and a strong accent and the only person who would be doing this is Perrie.

'What Perrie' Stella says rolling over

'Good morning to you to sleepy head. Come on up you get were dress shopping today' Perrie says pulling the blankets back

'for what?' she groans sitting up

'My wedding of course' she says like its the most obvouis thing in the earth

'Right, your getting married' Stella says getting up and stretching

'And I need a dress for the reception and so do you'

'I have one'

'Fine but you need to help me get one. Now get ready i'll be downstairs, discussing flower arrangements with Amber, Cody and Zayn' Perrie pulls her in for a quick tight hug and practicaly skips out of the room.

The wedding is next week and thats probably why Zayn is smoking more often and is on edge. Perrie is just a huge ball of sunshine not even affected that she is going to be married to someone for hopefully a long time. As Stella is taking a shower she thinks about marriage how maybe she could get married one day and have a family and a house with lots of dogs. But then she remembers that this is reality and the universe has probably got horrible shit planned for her. So marriage really isnt in the books for Stella at all.

Since it is quite cold outside in London Stella slips on a pair of high waisted jean shorts that she has had forever but never have failed her once. She pairs those with a long sleeved burgendy sweater and tights with thigh high socks over them for extra warmth. Finally her new shiny burgendy doc martens to pair it with. Right after she slid some product into her curls and started to brush through it Cody came into the bathroom and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and put his lips to her neck.

'Morning' Stella says

'Morning' he mumbles kissing up her neck to her cheek 'How are you?'

'Great, were going dress shopping coming along?' she asks noticing how he's showerd and already dressed for the day. And Stella finds it weird how he was up before her and it's only 11

'Nah, you guys go ahead. I'm hanging out with uh Niall and Harry today'

'Niall and Harry?' and Cody nods 'Right, say hello to Niall for me' Stella says suddenly getting frustrated because Cody is sopposed to be on Stella's side for the whole I hate Harry thing but it seems like he's just becoming best mates with him. Stella hops on the counter when she's done with her hair and sits closest to the mirror and starts to brush mascara through her lashes and watches Cody through the mirror roll his eyes and she can here him starting to make the bed. Stella finishes her makeup completing her eyeliner and mascara look with a dark maroon lipstick that almost looked black and hops off the counter, she makes her way to the room and Cody is laying on the bed playing with his phone. Stella sits on the floor and reaches for her boots, she laces them up and it's completly silent in the room.

'You know if you dont want me and Harry to be friends it's fine with me I can just-'

'It's fine really, what happend between me and Harry has nothing to do with you.' Stella says sinceraly and gets up from the floor. Cody gets up from the bed as well and pulls Stella to his chest for a hug and kisses her cheek wetly

'Your the best you know that?' he mumbles against her cheek

'I've been told before, yes.' and Cody laughs and everythings okay again.

-

2 hours into shopping Stella has bought 2 pairs of shorts and a sweater along with a few rings that she just needed. But Perrie has found nothing, they went to several dress stores and Zayn was already getting irritated but didnt say anything to please Perrie of course. Zayn was so wipped and did everything to make Perrie happy even if it ment seeing countless dresses and shopping for hours. They were at this small boutique and Perrie, Jade and Perrie's mum were inside looking at dresses and Perrie trying them on. Stella was looking also but when she saw Zayn outside smoking a ciagarette she excused herself and joined him.

She lit up her own cigarette and sat next to Zayn on the the curb

'Hi' she said 'You alright?'

'Yeah, just not into this whole shopping thing' Zayn says and Stella chuckles 'We have been shopping for hours for a bloody _dress_ , why cant she just wear one she has already?'

'Because Zayn it's your _wedding_ , Perrie wants everything to be perfect.'

'I know, but you dont see me shopping for a tie or whatever for 2 hours' Zayn says sucking on his ciggarete and Stella laughs lightly

'She loves you Zayn and this dress is for you, all of this is for you and her' Stella says nudging his shoulder a bit and that gets a smile out of him

'I soppose, I do want Perrie to be happy but I think it's all a bit much' Zayn admits with a shrugg 'But whatever makes her happy, makes me happy'

'Thats the spirit' Stella says a cheerfully 'I'm happy for you Zayn' Stella says grinning and Zayn turns and looks at her and wraps his arm around her shoulder and Stella leans into his side

'Glad your here, missed you, you fucker'

'I missed you to you prat. Now lets get back in before Perrie's mum starts hollering again' Stella says and that gets a laugh out of Zayn

After another hour of shopping Perrie comes out of the dressing room with a grin on her face and Stella already know's it's the one. It's a light blue almost like the ocean and it's short and flowly with lace and makes Perrie's eyes sparkle. Zayn sits up from his slouching positioin on the small couch that Stella and him are currently sitting on.

'Do you like it?' Perrie asks biting her lip to hold back her grin, her eyes hopefull

'It's beautiful, your beautiful' Zayn says and Stella almost passes out from the fucking fond in his voice and Perrie does the obvouis and starts to cry. Tears falling from her eyes slowly as she tries to contain them. Zayn and Jade immediatly get up to comfort her

'Hey whats wrong?' Zayn asks rubbing the tears from her cheek

'Im so happy and I love you Zayn, so much' Perrie says and Stella nearly passes out again because fuck so adorable. They hug for awhile until Stella checks her phone and it's nearly 4 and she wants to take a quick nap before she goes out tonight with Cody.

'Alright I'm off' she says standing up and they all turn to look at her

'Your going?' Jade asks

'Yeah, I have some things to do' she says grabbing her purse and hugging Perrie tightly 'You look wonderful Perrie, this is the one' she whispers and Perrie hugs her tighter.

Next she hugs Zayn tight 'You guys make me sick with all the love' and Zayn laughs loudly. She hugs Jade and Perrie's mum and leaves the boutique to be slapped with the cold air.

Just as she's trying to hail a taxi her phone rings and it's Deena

"Hi, Hello?"

"Deena, Hi"

"Stella darling! How's London?"

"Erm, interesting. Great actually"

"Wonderful to hear, now your Dr. Marten shoot is tommrow and you have to be there by 6am, they want to get a early morning shoot going. I emailed a schedule to Kelly and she should be calling you in a few about it. She also is flying in to acompany you of course"

"Oh right. Completly forgot about the shoot, are you sure it's tommrow?"

"I'm pretty sure it says here March 15th 2014"

"Right, yeah okay I'll talk to Kelly all about it right now" Stella says leaning her head against the car window

"Brilliant! Talk to you tommrow"

The line went dead and Stella locked her phone and shoved her phone into her bag. She really didnt feel like to doing a shoot tommrow, especially since she was looking forward to getting pissed tonight. But work is work and she really loves what she does. When she gets home Amber is sitting on the couch watching a movie with Alexa

'Hi babes' Amber says not looking up from her book

'Hi' Stella mumbles sitting on the floor by the door and taking off her boots. When she finally gets them off she sits next to Alexa on the couch and cuddles next to her suddenly feeling tired of today's events.

'How'd the shopping go?' Amber asks closing her book

'It went well, Perrie found her dress and I left early in hopes of going out tonight but I just got a call from my boss reminding me I have a shoot' Stella says sighing

'It's alright your here till the 1st of April' Amber reasurres

'But the thing is I'm modeling tommrow, not taking the pictures'

'I didnt know you were doing modeling now?' Amber says a confusing look on her face because yes Stella does usually tell Amber everything

'Not really but a few times I give it a go.'

'Maybe Harry will be there, he's a intern for a photography company right now he's trying to be one of the editors of the photo's or whatever' says Amber and Stella raises her eyebrows in interest, she knew that Harry liked photography but she had thought he was more trying to be a writer than anything. Back in Uni he had tried to get into an internship for BBC sports but it didnt work out.

'I doubt it, this is a big company and a shoot for a big brand that happens to be my all time favorite' Stella says with a hint of pride

'I dunno, just a heads up I guess.'

'Anyway where's Cody? He back yet?' Stella asks

'No, I got home from work at around 1 and picked up Alexa from school at 2 havent seen em' since' Amber shruggs

'He hasnt called me at all eather'

'I wouldnt worry, there just having a lads day out. Want to grab some dinner?' Amber asks getting up from the couch

'Yeah sure, let me just get my vans, to lazy to put my docs back on' Stella says and Amber snorts.

'Will you help Alexa get her shoes from upstairs, I need to make a call really fast.'

Stella nods 'Come on Alexa lets get some shoes so we could get some food, yeah?'

'Hold me?' she says sweetly and puts her arms up to Stella, Stella rolls her eyes fondly and smiles down at her, she picks her up and takes her upstairs and gives her, her own pair of small vans and a coat to wear while she goes just across the hall and gets her own vans. Once there ready to go and Amber has stopped taking pictures of Alexa and her saying _"but you guys just look so cute"_ but just as Stella is walking out Cody, Niall and Harry are walking in.

'Hi' she says looking up at Cody and he just smiles at her and bends down and kisses her cheek sweetly

'We were just about to get some dinner, fancy joining?' Amber offers and Stella just knew she was going to do that

'Sure why not' Niall says shrugging and soon they were all walking down the sidewalk. Amber and Harry walking a bit ahead and holding each of Alexa's hands and Harry is so damn endearing and adorable. Stella tries to not think about how good of a father Harry would be and holds onto Cody's upper arm and tries to get in the conversation him and Niall are having.

She doesnt succede.

-

Later that night when Stella is just a little bit buzzed form to many glasses of wine her and Cody lay together in Stella's bed.

'Your still in love with him arent you?' Cody asks quietly

'Is it that obvious?' Stella sighs cuddling closer to him

'All you did was stare at him, Stells' Cody chuckled

'I hate him, he has like this hold on me- It's just hard to explain, anyway I have to get up extremely early tommrow so we should sleep'

'What for?' Cody says pouting a bit

'I have a shoot, i'm modeling'

'Thats great, you should always be modeling your so beautiful' Cody says kissing her temple

'Oi, I think this whole boyfriend thing is getting to your head' Stella says as Cody continues to suck on her neck

'Just cause I think your beautiful doesnt mean I'm trying to be your boyfriend. I just love you, like a fuck buddy' Cody says and Stella snorts and starts to laugh

'Oh fuck off, you just want me to suck your dick' Stella says laughing still

'Actually that would be nice right now'

'Well to bad I have to get up early and you will not be the reason for me looking like a zombie' Stella says turning away from him and Cody whines but all Stella does is laugh and close her eyes

 


	7. seven

The next morning Stella's alarm rings harshly in her ear, she rips her eyes open and the sun isnt even up outside. She searches blindy for her phone and when she finds it, it's not even her alarm it's Kelly.

'Hello? Ms. Courage?'

'Yes what is it, Kelly?' Stella say irritated and groggy

'Hi goodmorning, I'm sorry to wake you so early in the morning. But you have a shoot today, so I advise after we hang up you take a quick shower and get ready. You dont have to wear anything fancy because you are going to get you hair and makeup done at the shoot. I will be at your sister's home at 5:30, it is currently 5am-'

'Wait, wait why so early? Deena said we dont have to be there till 6?'

'It takes around a half hour to get to the location, I will pick up breakfast before I get there? A green tea iced latte, perhaps?'

'Actually make it a iced carmel macchiatto with 2 shots please and a blueberry muffin'

'Of course, see you in 30 minutes'

'Right thank you, Kelly'

Then Stella hung up and rolled out of bed knowing if she slept any longer she would be late. She took a quick shower and just ran products through her curls but proceded to put it in a bun. She put on jeans and a black sweatshirt that was probably Cody's and paired them with her old school skater high top vans. And just as it turned 5:30 and Stella was going downstairs the doorbell rang. Stella opend it quietly and motioned for Kelly to be quiet.

'Goodmorning, Stella here is your coffee' Kelly whisperd and handed Stella her starbucks while followed her into the kitchen. Stella wrote a quick note to Amber and Cody saying she will be back later and that she was at a shoot.

'Thank you, lets go' Stella said, she grabbed her bag on the way out along with her sunglasses to hide her very tired face. Outside there was a sleek black escalade and they both climbed in, on the way over to the location Kelly rattled off her schedule and what kinds of things she was going to be doing during the shoot. Stella paid some attention trying not to doze off on the car ride over.

When they finally got to the big open fields there was a wharehouse that said "Dr. Martens" across the building. Stella got out of the car after Kelly and grabbed her bag and coffee. When they enterd the building everyone was moving around and there was slight music playing while everyone was working. There was people setting up lights and cameras and other people laying out makeup and brushes and thing's for hair, aswell as people putting clothes on racks and looking them through. It was a very overwhelming scene and Stella was glad to see that she wasnt the only person here modeling, there was 3 other girls and 2 other guys as well.

A man with a clipboard came over to them who looked very stressed out and tired 'Name and shoot?'

and befor Stella could even decipher the question Kelly had already rattled off 'Stella Courage, Dr. Martens'

'Right, Ms. Courage go over to the outfit people and find out what you will be wearing and then to the makeup, Harry here will be any assistance to you' the man said and grabbed Harry's arm while he was passing by. Stella's oxygen got caught up in her throat and she almost stopped breathing because here was Harry, with his wild bed curls and tired eyes grinning at her with his deep dimples.

'Hi Ms. Courage and-'

'Kelly, Stella's assistant' Kelly said shaking his hand then continuing her typing on her mini ipad thing

'Right this way' Harry said and Stella wanted to roll her eyes and tell him not to touch her but she couldnt because his big hand on the small of her back felt so great. So familiar. Harry led them both to the racks, and racks of clothes and Stella began to look through them and handed anything she wanted to wear to Harry. Kelly had to go and get some paperwork filled out regarding the same shoot. So it was Harry and Stella alone, but not really alone.

'Didnt know you were in the photography buissness' Stella mumbled looking at him, he was staring at her with a small grin

'Oh yes, I run around fetching coffee and taking orders.' He said sarcastically '3 years of multimedia and literature for _this'_ he said shaking Stella's choice of clothes and Stella tried not to laugh and grin like a fucking idiot. She ends up failing. 'I heard you were going to be here though, my boss had told me and so had Amber. Your quite big arent you? I've seen your photo's alot of places actually, your really good'

'Thank you' Stella whisperd her heart ready to burst because of the praise that she has missed so much 'That means alot, actually'

Harry grins at her and his dimples deepen even more and fuck Stella is so gone. She's sopposed to hate him. After Stella has finished picking out all of her clothes she discusses them with the fashion lady's and after Harry takes her to wear her hair and makeup are sopposed to be done. But right as they get there Harry has to leave and check the editing and viewing on the computers. Stella tries not to get dissapointed but it's hard because Stella just wants to _talk to him_. Wants to pick up right where they left off, right before everything started to go wrong.

When Stella's eyes are smoky and her lips dark she goes to where she needs to take her pictures. At first the pictures are sopposed to be serious so Stella doesnt smile just poses and tries not to make herself look like a fucking idiot because Harry is watching right behind the camera next to Kelly and there talking. Harry's eyes dont ever leave Stella's and its oddly comforting, then the photographer says to flip her hair around and mess up her hair and smudge up her makeup. So Stella does that she laughs along the way because _what the fuck is her life?_

After more photo's being taken along with location changes and lots of outfit and makeup changes Stella is done. She changes back into the clothes she came in and grabbed the bags that the company has given her with a new pair of boots and a few items of clothing. She doesnt say goodbye to Harry when she leaves, they just look at each other from the other sides of the room. They had talked alot, about what there lives have been like when they were so distant and it feels like nothing has changed. The way Harry made her laugh like no on else can made Stella's heart swell and her cheeks blush like so many time's before. It just feels so right to talk and laugh together again.

Kelly interrupts her thoughts on the drive home 'If you dont mind me asking but have you known that Harry guy before?'

'Yes, if I'm honest we used to be in a relationship and we had an ugly breakup and havent spoken in 4 years' Stella says while smiling

'I figured, I talked to him for a minute and he is so fond of you, Stella. He's got heart in his eyes when he talks to you' Kelly says and tears well up in Stella's eyes and her cheeks flame

because no no no Stella will not fall for his charm and beautiful looks. Not again.

-

2 day's later Stella wakes up extremely early. She doesnt know why but her body just decides to wake up at 6 am so Stella rolls out of bed and change's into a black sports bra and a white tee-shirt with some spandex shorts. She puts her hair up and brushes her teeth, before waking up Cody

'Hmm?' he says groggily

'I'm going for a uh run' Stella whispers her voice a bit hoarse

'Yeah, okay see you' he says half asleep. Stella leaves out of the room and tries to be quiet as she writes a quick note to Amber and leaves the house. It's really cold outside and Stella immediatly regrets not wearing a jacket or something but she doesnt go back inside to grab something. Instead she starts to jog down the side walk, and starts to speed up, she's running pretty fast and she doesnt know why. Her chest is burning and shes so hot and cold at the same time, but she just feeds off the sensation and keeps running.

Stella keeps running until she realizes where she is, she is right down the street from where Bethany is buried. So she jogs up the street and turns into the cemetary. It's still really cold and the grass is wet and the sun is just barely coming up, but Stella catches her breath as she walks in. She remembers exactly where she is buried and she stands a distance from it, just looking at it. She hasnt visited at all, not for her birthday or anything and Stella feels guilt pang through her. She feels her eyes start to burn from the tears that are settling there, she walks up and just stands above it and she notices that there arent even any flowers or anything. Just tombstone that reads her name and date of birth. Tears are falling over her cheeks now, she cant help but cry because her best friend is buried under the ground and she cant believe it. She feels horrible because Bethany probably feels like no one cares about her, she probably feels like everyone has forgottten about her.

As Stella sits on the grass for an hour crying and thinking about all of the memories with Bethany that they shared she cries even more. Loud sobs shaking her entire body and she's almost screaming because fuck Stella misses her _so much._ When Stella finally calms down and her breathing is at a normal level she gets up and starts to walk away from her tomb, she walks all the way to the floral shop down the street and around the corner that is just opening when Stella gets there.

'I need all of the sunflowers you have' she says to the old lady, she leads Stella in the back where there is a bucket and in size is probably 3 dozen sunflowers. Stella hands her 50 quid 'I'll take em.'

'What's all the sunflowers for?' The old lady asks gently as she rings up Stella's order

'There for my bestfriend' Stella mumbles sniffling

'Just remember that your bestfriend is the sun, spreading sunlight wherever they go, just like a sunflower' she says and Stella nods and her eyes are watering again and before she starts to cry again she picks up the buckets and leaves. Stella holds the very heavy bucket all the way back to her grave and sets them infront of her tomb. And yes Bethany is the fucking sun and always will be.

-

On the walk home Stella decides to stop at the old bakery that Bethany and Stella used to go to right by there old flat. They would buy lots of donuts and cakes and eat them at the park right across the street before or after Uni. Stella pulls the door open and she catches a glimpse of her reflection; her eyes are red and puffy and her cheeks flushed from the cold. Her lips are a bit chapped and red and she overall looks like she had a breakdown. Stella welcomes the warmth of the bakery and she can just _feel_ Bethany with her, she see's her in her mind chirping a bright "hello" to the old ladys that work here and sometime's when they came Harry would be working and Stella and Bethany would make fun of him because of the hair net he had to wear. Then they would sit and drink tea and eat free cakes that Harry snuck so they could all eat. But that was a life time ago and Stella is alone and Bethany is dead.

'Goodmorning, how can I help you' a familiar deep voice says and Stella snaps her head up and crouching behind the counter is Harry. With his stupid marroon apron and hair net that cant quite contain his curls. He ovbously hasnt seen Stella yet so she has a quick mental battle of whether to leave or not. But before she can run away like a coward Harry stands back up and his expression changes into a shocked one.

'Um, Stella hi' he says a grin tugging on his lips and Stella wants to slap him and say _dont do that!_ because he has this fucking effect on her like no else.

'Hi' she says walking up to the counter

'What brings you hear so early in the morning?' he says confused

'Um, was just in the neighborhood' Stella says suddenly aware that she looks like she had a mental breakdown 'I didnt know you worked here still?'

'Just a few days during the week, and Friday happens to be one of those days' he says shrugging 'Um, can I get you anything'

'Uhh, the peach cake thing that we- I mean- I used to always get' Stella says blushing and looking down at her Nike trainers

Harry chuckles and opens the glass case and puts the cake in a small brown bag 'Is that all?' he says, Stella nods and tries to give him 10 quid but he just shakes his head

'No way, it's on the house'

'Harry come on' Stella says trying not to grin

'It's fine really Stella. Just like old times, yeah?' he says smiling big at her and Stella nods.

'You know I get off at noon, maybe we could grab some lunch or something. I mean if you want to-' he says rambling

'Yeah okay, sure' Stella says smiling ignoring her brain saying _nononononono you hate him remember_

'I'll pick you up at Ambers, we can go to that thai resturante that I know you love' Harry says his dimples deeping

'See you then' Stella says leaving. She runs all the way home trying to get the burning back, trying to punish herself for saying yes to Harry's offer.

-

By the time noon rolls around, Stella drags Cody out of the house, taking him to the shops somewhere away from Amber's house. She is glad they left when they did because if she waited around any longer than she probably would have to face Harry. Stella hates herself for standing him up, he looked so fucking happy for them to try and be close again but Stella wont let it happen. She wont let him in again, she wont be the sad and unhappy person she was before. Wont let him control her happiness.

'So are you going to tell me why your all mopy but acting excited?' Cody finally asks when there sitting and eating lunch

'Nothing, I'm just a bit.. tired'

'Come on, just tell me' Cody urges and Stella sighs and puts her fork down full of macaroni

'Harry asked me earlier this morning if I wanted to go out to lunch and i said yes' she mumbled covering her face with her hands

'The point?' Cody says a bit irriated

'The point is that I'm here with you when I'm sopposed to be with him right now' she mumbles

'You stood him up?' Cody says and Stella looks at him and looks a bit offended 'Why?'

'Because me and him could never ever happen again' Stella huffed

'Maybe he just wanted to be friends? He's got a girlfriend, Stella. Not everyone wants to fuck you, you know' he says harshly and puts a 20 dollar note on the table and gets up to leave

Stella minds run on a million differant things 'Wait were are you going?' Stella calls after him

'Back to Ambers' he yells back and Stella grabs her bag and runs after him because even if she's 22 years old nobody ever fucking talks to her like that and gets away with it.

'Hold on, your fucking me so why would you say that? And girlfriend?' Stella huffs

'He's with this girl, Cara' Cody says annoyed, Stella's eyes go wide and jelousy and anger run through her veins

'I dont think everyone wants to fuck me, I only want to sleep with you' Stella says sincerely and Cody's face softens, and after a moment of silence he sighs leans down and pecks Stella's lips

'Sorry' he mumbles against them and Stella grins 'Come on I'll buy you an icecream'

-

'Where the fuck have you been?!' Amber says walking over to Cody and Stella right when they walk through the door

'Out' Stella says walking right past her, already know what she's on about.

'And did you forget about a lunch that you promised to attend?'

'I didnt promise anything' Stella shoots back and turns to look at Amber. If there's something that Stella and Amber are good at is fighting with each other and they are both so fucking clever and stubborn that it never really ends.

'Oh but you did, Harry came around here about 12:30 looking for you. Saying he was here to pick you up for lunch.' Amber says angirly and Stella looks away not meeting her eyes 'You should have seen his fucking face when I told him that you werent here, Stella! How could you do that to him!?' Amber shouts at Stella and Stella take's a quick glance around the room looking for Alexa because Amber never curses or yells around her

'Look I only did it because I didnt want him to get attached-'

' _Him?_ Stella get the fuck over yourself-'

'Amber shut the fuck up! You have no fucking idea what I'm going through, alright? _I dont want to get fucking attached._ There I fucking said it are you happy now? You think I like hurting him? I hate myself for it, fucking hate myself!' Stella yells back tears threating to spill over but she hates crying so she bites her lip and sits on the couch

'You shouldnt even had said yes in the first place then' Amber says a little bit softer

'I wasnt thinking. I just- I like talking to him, I like to be with him but I wont let myself anymore. Not with what happend the last time, I wont put myself through that again, wont let him' Stella says putting her hands in her face, the cool metal of her many rings being slightly comforting 'Why do you care anyway?'

'Because I care about Harry, and I care about you. I just want you to be happy' Amber says sitting next to her and grabbing Stella's hand and squezzing it

'I am happy' Stella mumbles and it's not a lie. It's just she gets a bit sad and lonely sometimes.

'Harry will make you happier' Amber says and gets up. 'Bless Cody for taking Alexa up to her room before all this' Amber said chuckling any ounce of anger faded away as she climbs the stares.

And there Stella is left sitting on the couch thinking that her black doc marten boots are the only things that havent let her down.

　


	8. eight

It's 5:30 am when Stella's loud ringtone on her phone starts to go off. She jolts awake and reaches for it on the bedside table, praying it isnt for work. When she squints at the caller ID she's surprised that it's Zayn calling her.

'Hello?' Stella says groggily

'Stella, hi. Get dressed yeah? Were going painting'

With that the line went dead and Stella huffs loudly rolling out of bed because she know's Zayn needs her. Especially since today is his wedding day, any other day she would have told him to fuck off and fuck you for even calling her at a ungodly hour. But.. this time is different, this time everything is so different and there's a different boy in her bed and Zayn is getting married. So Stella is pulling on a pair of jeans and a red flannel, she puts her mess of hair into a even messeir bun and brushes her teeth not even thinking about touching her make up bag. She shoves her feet through her black beet up Doc Martens and grabs her raybans and phone, she walks down the stairs and out of the house not even writing a note or anything because she will probably be back before anyone even wake's up.

When she get's outside there's Zayn sitting at the curb smoking a cigarrete, he's wearing black jeans and his leather jacket and Stella remembers she was with him when he bought it brand new a few years ago. A familiar black bag is resting next to him and Stella smiles to herself. The sun isnt even up yet, but there's a bright light outside and the it's just about to rise and Stella thinks that this is the best time of day.

She doesnt say anything, just sit's next to Zayn on the curb and stretches her legs out. They sit like this for a few minutes until Stella takes the ciggarete Zayn lit a few minutes ago and take's a puff from it. She holds it inbetween her ring clad and claw like black nails and stares at the way the smoke so beautifully flows into the air.

'Ready?' Stella says looking at Zayn and he nods and they both get up from the curb and start the walk to the train station.

-

There's only one other perosn on the train ride beside Stella and Zayn. It's mostly quiet and Stella's head is rested against Zayns shoulder as she is almost asleep.

'I remember the day you left' Zayn mumbles, breaking the silence 'You came over and you looked so scared Stella. You had bags under your eyes and you were shaking'

Stella doesnt say anything just listens and she remembers that day like it happend yesterday

'You could have just stayed with me you know, but instead you left me for 4 years. And the only way I got to watch you grow was from Instagram pictures and Face time calls' Zayn says a bit said and guilt runs through Stella like blood 'I wanted you there when I announced at this dinner that Perrie and I were getting married, I wanted you next to me or even in the same country because you are my bestfriend.'

'Zayn I'm sorry-'

'Dont apoligize it wasnt your fault, you know I hated Harry for such a long time. I didnt talk to him for a year, Stella because I knew what he did to you was hurtful and by the pain in your eyes the night that you left I _knew Stella I fucking knew_ how he treated you' Zayn huffed and Stella hid her face in his shoulder letting the tears flow down her cheeks.

'Why are you telling me this?' Stella breathed out wiping her cheeks

'Because It's my wedding day and I want to tell you that it's not your fault, what happend that long ago isnt your fault. And I fucking know you blame yourself everyday for everything'

Stella nods wiping her face with the back of her hand, Zayn wraps his arm around her shoulder and kisses her forhead

'Dont give up' he whispers in her ear and then the train stops and the train door's open and he's getting up, Stella sits there for a moment, the sunlught filters past him and it's shining in Stella's eyes and Zayn now looks like a silhoutte. He then goes to her blocking the sun from her eyes and he puts his hand out and Stella takes it.

They walk for a little bit and Stella realizes that she has no idea where there going Zayn usually picks out the spots they paint on. But Stella doesnt ask any questions just continues to keep the fast stride that is Zayn walking. They finally come to a hault and Stella almost keep's walking but she stops and follows Zayn into the ally and what she see's makes her gasp in shock.

They were back at the wall where they painted at so long agao; the one where the brick wall was facing the street and they drew a harsh looking girl with the quote 'to achieve stop asking for permission' but the wall was clearly added on to by zayn.

He has put lots of little doodles and pictures of drawings and quotes here and there but the whole wall was mostly coverd except for a small space in the middle

'I want you to write a quote that helped you move on with your darkest days' Zayn says and Stella nods taking the black paint

"No matter how you feel.. get up, dress up, show up. And never give up"

When Stella finishes she steps back with Zayn to look at the whole wall and Zayn puts his arm around her shoulder.

'I'm getting married today' he mumbles

'I know'

'You think it's gonna last, you know? My marriage?' Zayn says biting his lip

'Yes, of course. You and Perrie are like the best thing'

'She is the best thing, and I will cherish her forever'

'Aw, Zayn stop your going to make me cry' Stella says her eyes watering up and Zayn laughs lightly

'Oh come off it'

'No really, I am so happy for you. I'm happy that you have found your soulmate and the universe is so kind to you because Zayn you really fucking deserve it. Your the kindest guy I know and without you I would have killed myself along time ago' Stella says but she didnt mean for the last part to come out, and Zayn's eyes are searching hers now so he pulls her into a very tight hug and doesnt want to let go and Stella doesnt want him to eather

'I dont ever want you to feel alone or like no one cares about you because I do. I will always care and I will always be here for you'

 _'Bethany said the same thing'_ Stella's mind is screaming this but she doesnt say it out loud instead she just nods and they pull away and start the walk to the train station.

And Stella cant wrap her head around the fact that this time 4 or 5 years ago Stella would race Zayn to the train station and whoever lost had to buy breakfast. All those years ago Stella was a wild free spirit and now she feels old and boring and forever alone. But she tries not to let her bummy mood get her down because today is Zayn's wedding and he is beaming and Stella is so fucking happy for him. A bit jelous but still very happy.

-

By the time Stella gets back to Amber's house it's 8 am and she was hoping to take a nap before having to get ready. Unfortanetly that doesnt happend because as soon as she snuggles up to Cody's side and ready to fall asleep her phone rings.

'Ello?'

 _'Oh Stella my wedding is ruined its all ruined!'_ It's a frantic Perrie screeching in her thick accent at Stella

'Whats happend?' Stella says rubbing at her eyes

'The cake people cant deliver the cake to the venue and now were not going to be able to eat cake and the dj canceled this morning with the fucking flu! Doesnt he know it's not about him today? And-'

'Perrie calm down, alright. I'll- I'll pick up the cake and take it to the venue right now and I have a friend that is a very good dj and I'm sure he can do your wedding'

 _'Oh Stella, really!? Thank you so much your such a life saver!'_ Perrie then rattles off the cake place and the venues adress and Stella promises to deliver the cake safely and makes sure to get the dj.

'Your realize what you just did right?' Cody mumbles in the pillow

'Just promised to complete my bestfriends wedding?'

'No you just promised something that your probably going to fuck up on'

'Oh fuck off, Cody. Your the one who's going to be going with me to get the cake. Now come take a shower with me, I'll suck you'

And with that Cody rolls out of bed and gets in the shower before Stella can even put her feet on the floor.

-

When Stella is done getting ready adoring a peach colored short puffy dress and nude stilletoes. Her hair is in loose curls and makeup light. And Cody is looking ravishing in a white button up and a black blazer with black dress pants they go to deliver the cake. It's this big white cake that they have to pay someone thats not from the cake department to take because it Stella doesnt have a big van that's good for transporting cake. And the cake place is fucking stupid like who make's a cake for you but wont have an option of deliverance? So she pays the lady of the cake delivering company one hudred and fifty quid to deliver a fucking cake and Stella decides that it's Zayn and Perrie's wedding present.

And thank god Stella's friend isnt booked for any partys on a saturday like he usually is so he agree's to dj on a discounted price. So Stella and Cody take a cab to the church and it's filling up fast with Zayn and Perrie's family and friends. Cody and Stella seperate once they get in the church, Stella goes to find Zayn to make sure he hasnt passed out yet while Cody finds them a seat.

Stella finds him in the mens bathroom but Stella doesnt care she isnt sopposed to be in there because she's just sucked a dick in a shower earlier in the morning so it's not really a big deal. She walks in and Zayn is checking his hair and Stella can already see his hands shaking.

He looks over to her and grins and Stella grins back her eyes already watering, she pulls him into a bone crushing hug

'Hi' she says into his chest 'You look ravishing'

'You do as well' they pull apart and he's checking his hair again 'I'm so nervous'

'What for?' Stella asks as she checks her own reflection

'I dont know maybe because I'm getting married in a few minutes?'

'Dont be sarcastic with me, I payed one hudred and fifty quid to deliever your mountin of a cake' Stella said good naturdly

'I know your literally the greatest' Zayn says and Stella's heart grows with fond

'It's time to take places now' Liam says poking his head in the bathroom and has a surprised expression on his face to see Stella applying lipstick in the boys bathroom 'Oh Stella hi' he says coming in and giving her a hug. Stella hugs him hello and turns to give Zayn a hug goodbye

'Congratulations Zayn, so happy for you' Stella mumbled into his shoulder and Zayn nods and pecks her forhead before following Liam out of the bathroom. Stella leaves right after them and she's sort of rushing trying to get to her seat before everything starts but she collides with a firm chest.

'Sorry' she mumbles taking a glance up and of course its fucking Harry, who the fuck else would ever run into her beside him? He looked so good in his suit complete with a bow tie and Stella feels her heart melt

'S' alright' he mumbles breaking there eye contact and Stella fucking remembers that she stood him up for lunch the other day and guilt washes over her all over again.

Stella opens her mouth then closes it, unable to find something to say to him that will be a good enough apoligy but instead she turns away and she can feel his eyes burning in her back. She's thankful when she finds Cody sitting close to the front, Zayn is already in the front with Liam, Niall and Stella see's Harry walking up the step to stand behind Niall with Louis being the best man. Jade, Leigh-Anne, Jesy and Perrie's bestfriend since birth that Stella doesnt remember the name of as the maid of honor

And soon the music starts and the door's open and there's Perrie in a beautiful white lace dress.

-

After the church is over all the people start to file out chattering about how beautiful the ceremony was and how sweet Zayn and Perrie's vowes were. And after every hug was exchanged and tons of pictures were taken it was finally time for the reception to start.

Perrie and Zayn were introduced and everyone was clapping and and it was so sweet to see and Stella was so damn happy for them. After every speech was made and it was finally time for Zayn and Perrie to make there way to say hello to everyone at the party. They came to where Stella and Cody were sitting last and Stella didnt really mind, mostly talking and laughing with Cody to not think about the way Harry had been staring at her with hurtful guilty eyes all night.

When Zayn and Perrie make there way over to the table Stella meets him halfway and wraps him in a tight hug. She's almost crying in his arms, she hugs Perrie next and she's so beautiful. Soon the rest of the wedding party come and Stella gives them hugs and and told them they all look so dashing.

After they all have chatted for a bit, Stella making sure some part of her hand is touching Cody's; whether it's there hands intetwined or her small hand just holding onto his thumb. She needs something to comfort her and keep her calm when Harry is just a few feet away holding Cara's hand. When Stella saw them holding hands when they first walked into the reception tent together with Cara whispering into Harry's ear that makes Harry grin so wide while following Niall over to where Zayn and Perrie were chatting with there guest. Stella's breath hitched and she nearly choked on her champagne, she reached for Cody's hand somewhere near her, he was in deep conversation with Amber and Leigh-Anne about something she couldnt even understand. She intertwined there fingers and never wanted to let go.

Its soon time for the newely weds first dance together and everyone make's there way to the dance floor, they all surround it and Zayn and Perrie start there slow dance to the song _'I know you care'_ By Ellie Goulding. It's all so fucking beautiful and Stella's eye's water again because she is just so happy to be here and see Zayn her absolute best friend marry the only person who truly deserves him.

Around midnight Stella gets up from the table she's sitting at having a conversation with Cody, Perrie, some guy named Derek with multi colord dreds and many tattoos that is actually really fucking cool, also with Niall and Louis.

'I'm gonna get a drink' Stella says lowly to Cody and he nods not really paying attention instead listening to the story of when Derek met Tyler, the Creator. Stella rolls her eyes and walks out of the big tent that is the reception, she walks towards the 2 open bars that she has tried so hard not to get fucked up on because open bars are usually the death of her.

She order's a rum and coke and waits for her drink, she pulls out her phone and see's that there is a text from Amber saying that she left and went to some other persons party for the night. And Stella is glad Amber is getting out more because she usally never likes to leave Alexa with there mum or a friend just to go out. Stella types out a reply and gets her drink from the counter and mumbles a thank you, she turns around and bumps into a tall firm figure and of course it's Harry and the univers hates Stella.

Thankfully Stella doesnt spill her drink 'Um hi' Stella says hoping to leave as fast as possible

'Hi, enjoying your night?' He asks and Stella nods giving him a small smile

'You look beauitiful you know' Harry mumbles stepping a little to close for Stella's liking. He pushes a string of Stella's hair behind her ear and looks at her with those stupid big green eyes

'Lets not' Stella says and makes a big step away from him, she tries to turn away but he grabs her wrist and pulls her towards him

'You could at least give me an apoligy or a fucking explanation for what you did to me-'

'I dont have to explain anything to _you_ of all people' Stella hisses and yanks her arm out of his grip, she tries to walk away again but he grabs her wrist again and pulls her closer with sad eyes

'Please Stella I cant handle you hating me anymore' he whispers and Stella feels herself breaking all over again.

'We could never make this work' she says sternly looking down at her shoes

'Then why cant you look me in the eye?' he spits getting angrier 'I miss what we had, I miss you'

'I was a young, naive stupid teenager when we met. I didnt know who I was when I was with you' Stella says trying not to loose it; her hands shaking while holding her clutch close to her chest 'I know who I am now, and you and I we cant- never again' Stella says and she finally looks up to see Harry's green eyes are a dull color, her harsh words making a saddess creep into his expression.

'But why' Harry says pleading 'Can I atleast get an explanation?'

'I dont have to explain anything to you ever again. Now please just fuck off, I'm sure Cara is calling' Stella spits anger and hurt filling her veins. She turns away from him and walks back into the tent taking her seat next to Cody. She leans her head on his shoulder and tries to remain calm.

Then she downs her drink and Cody's then asks Niall if he wants to do shots.

 


	9. nine

The next week flys by and Stella is having such a great time in London and her stay is almost over, just 2 more weeks and she has to go back to New York and back to her old boring life. The week is filled with going out to clubs and dinner with all of her friends and sister. Stella forgot how much she has missed her old home and she is really thinking about buying a flat out here. Cody is also having such a great time, he is practically best mates with Niall and Harry. He's out with them more than he is with Stella but she doesnt mind.

Things with Harry are stressing Stella the fuck out, Stella loves Harry and wants to try and work things out with him but she cant. She wont let herself open up and let him in anymore, she has a life now and she cant put what she's built for herself be destroyed. It's taken so fucking long to be able to be okay again, to not cry in bathrooms and shy away from any guy that looks at her. The only man she will alow to take her home is Cody, and even he is going to be gone soon. Stella know's that he wants a relationship and mariage and children some day, he wants to build a life with someone and Stella already know's that she isnt that someone. He cant stay her fuck buddie forever.

So Stella has coome to the conclusion that she will stay alone forever and put her entire life into her job and friends. It make's saddness swell in her bones but Stella can deal with it, has been dealing with the happiness and saddness for awhile now.

-

Stella has just gotten out of the shower and is dressed in black jeans with a white sweater that's tucked in and a black leather jacket that was Bethany's once. She pairs it with her big black high heel ankle boot's that are the loves of her life, she leaves her hair natural and brushes her lashes with mascara. By the time she has woken up Cody and told him she's going out for a bit and kisses his cheek and goes down the stairs and grabs her bag and gives kisses to Amber and Alexa it's already 12:30. Stella goes out into the very cold windy air of London and put's her sunglasses over her eyes and starts to walk down the sidewalk listening to the comforting sound of her heels clicking against the pavement.

Stella walks the familair route to Liams flat, she hopes Liam still lives there anyway, and she realizes she should have called after she has knocked and is waiting for the door to open. After a minute of waiting in the freezing wind the door opens to reveal a sleepy looking Harry. His long curly hair is pushed into a hairband and he's wearing a old band tee shirt that Stella fucking reconizes because she bought it for him, with these pajama trouser things.

She's at a loss of words and breath because she should have _known_ that him and Liam are flat mates, they lived right next door to each other. Harry looks just as shocked at Stella does but the side of his mouth pulls up into a lazy smile

'Erm, is Liam in?' Stella says pulling off her sunglasses

'Yeah' is all he says but he doesnt move to let her in he just keeps staring at Stella; is eyes searching for something and Stella wants to know, wants to fucking understand him. But it's sort of early and cold and she really just want to get Liam and fucking leave. 'Can I come in?'

'Oh yeah sorry' he says sheepishly and moves to the side, Stella walks in past him and bloody hell he smells like boy and wonderful cologne. The flat is as clean as ever and Stella isnt surprised. With Liam being the OCD type and Harry the house maid.

'So wheres Liam?' Stella says awkwardly just standing in the middle of the living room while Harry stares at her

'Oh I think he's just gotten out of the shower, I'll get him' Harry mumbles and leaves the room and Stella feels like she could breath again. He's so fucking suffocating Stella thinks to herself. It's all so weird, how awkward and shy they are around each other, this time a few years ago Stella would be digging through his frindge and laying on his couch. But now all Stella can do is sit down at the end of the couch and fold her hands in her lap because she's fucking 22 years old and a professional photographer. She's going to go about this whole "I cant live without you thing" like an adult which means crying about it in your thoughts and late nights when you cant sleep.

Stella gets up suddenly when she see's familar moments in time alining the wall in frames. There's pictures of Harry and what looks's like his mum and sister and then pictures of random people with Liam and Harry. There's a photo of there group of friends at a halloween party that was tooken like 3 years ago and Stella remembers it so clearly. She was this tiger leopard thing and she looks so fucking happy her arm slung over Harry's shoulder and that bloke she dated named Nick by her side. She smiles at the memory, then there's another with Liam and Bethany just the two of them in black and white and Stella's eyes water because Bethany was so alive and healthy, so beautiful. There's photo's all over the wall and she take's her time looking through them and it's like seeing Harry grow up through these photo's and there's one at the far corner and Stella almost misses it. Almost. It's a picture of her and Harry at Amber's wedding and Stella remembers it so clearly how that was one of the best day's of her life. Harry and Stella are dancing together in the photo, Stella's eyes are just peeking over Harry's shoulder and her arms are loosly wrapped around his shoulders.

The picture is taken from the side and you could see Harry is saying something in her ear and he's smiling while saying it and it's such a beautiful moment captured and Stella doesnt even know how he got this picture, or who took it. She didnt even know who took it and that makes it more and more painful. A tear just falls down her cheek quickly when she decides she must leave. She goes back to the couch and gets her bag and is just about to leave when-

'Stella?' it's Harry with a confusing look on his face 'Liam will be out in just a minute, he said to wait for him.' he comes closer concern etched on his face 'Are you alright?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. I was just-' she points over to the photos on the wall and Harry starts to grin, his dimples still so very deep

'Ah the photo's' he walks in front of the wall and Stella follows him until there both looking at the photo's together.

'This is my favorite' Harry says pointing to one at the far end of the wall and Stella must have completly missed that one. It's Harry, Stella and Bethany sitting on the floor together and there all laughing.

'Oh my god' Stella says quieltly and more tears spill over and it's all so fucking much

'Hey' Harry says turning to her but Stella just continues to cry like a idiot but she doesnt care because she misses Bethany with a burning, hurting passion. Harry pulls Stella into a hug and she doesnt even try and get away from him, she just alows herself to be held just this once because she's missed his arms and this probably will be the last time.

Stella cry's into his shoulder and grips the back of her shirt and his arms are wrapped around her shoulders with his head wresting against hers.

'I miss her so much' Stella babbles and holds him tighter and his arms feel so safe.

Just then Liam comes out 'Stella?' he says with confusion in his voice and Stella pulls away from Harry and turns to him and she see's Bethany in him. She see's her traces in his eyes, she see's her standing beside him with adventorus eyes and wide grins. Stella walks over to him slowly and hugs him and maybe cries a bit more.

'I really need to talk to you' Stella mumbles and she can feel him nodding.

'Do you want to stay here-'

'Can we go somewhere else maybe, I just need to not be here right now' she whispers and Liam nods understanding. Stella pulls away from there hug and gets her bag from the couch, she wipes her cheeks and tries not to look back over her shoulder as she leaves the flat with Liam. Stella fails.

-

'So how have you been- you know' Liam asks after they have just been deliverd there cups of tea and scones

'Alright I guess' Stella says not meeting his eyes

'Why did you leave London in the first place?' Liam blurts and Stella is a little taken back by the question, she thought everyone knew her reasons 'I mean if you want to tell me'

'I thought you knew? I thought Zayn had told you atleast or maybe Harry'

Liam shakes his head 'no, no one knows why you left so suddenly.'

'Well- erm things with Harry were so shit and I was horribly depressed by Bethanys death and things with Harry was just adding on so one day I just packed my stuff and got a one way ticket to New York' Stella said and it's like telling some one about what had happend after so long is making it easier for her to breath

'And you were suddenly so happy in New York?' Liam snapped and he was almost angry with her

'No It took lots of time for me to become better, I'm still not complelty you know happy. But I am better, I'm okay'

'I was left alone when Bethany died, I thought we were going to help each other through it when it happend. But you took off after a year and even when you were still here I barely heard from you' Liam said saddness and irritation etched in his voice

'I didnt know- I was dealing with it my own way I guess'

'I realized that after you never returned my calls or would always flake on our plans. Why did you do that? You wernt the only one hurting I thought you were going to help me-'

'It isnt my responsibility to help anyone. I can barely help myself, I'm sorry i wasnt there for you when Bethany died but I was dealing with things beside that' Stella snapped

'It's over now, she's dead so theres no point in dwelling on it' Liam said saddness covering his fetures rather than irritation. A moment of silence passed and Stella takes a sip of her tea and looks out the window that's next to her

'You know this is the cafe that I worked at when I first saw Bethany' Liam said breaking the silence, he was looking down into his cup of tea and he suddenly looked so young, so tired and worn. And Stella suddenly feels like a selfish bitch because she knew what it was like to go through such a tramatic time like loosing the person you love the most. And Liam doesnt deserve to be alone, he doesnt deserve to be sad after so many years.

'Oh yeah?' Stella asked taking another sip of her tea

'Yeah, she was here sitting with her old boyfriend and they were fighting about something. She looked afraid and beautiful at the same time and I knew then that when I saw her I was so gone. That after her face has been placed in my mind there was no going back' Liam said with a small smile

'Sam was his name, I havent seen him in so long' Stella said remembering how much pain and suffering he has caused Bethany and how much Stella did to keep him away

'He used to abuse her didnt he?' Liam asked finally meeting Stella's eyes

'Yeah, but eventully Bethany gained some courage and told him to fuck off, with the help of me of course' Stella said chuckling a bit

'He was at her funeral, he was all the way in the back.'

'I dont really remember much of that day, if I'm honest. I only try to remember the good things. Like Bethany and I used to go pool hopping in the summer back in Manchester, she had a pool but it was so much more fun to jump peoples fences and swim in there pools' Stella smiles down at the table at the memory 'We got caught one time and this old uptight hag called the police on us, it was all going to be alright they were just going to call our parents and let us go until they found weed in my jacket pocket' Stella laughs then. She remembers that night like it was yesterday, Bethany's nervous expression as she rambled apoligies for the both of them because she knew Stella was never sorry for anything. 'They took us back to the station and we both had our mug shots taken'

'Wait why Bethany's? She didnt have weed?'

'I know but the officer started to give me a heap of shit saying I was a fuck up and all that and Bethany just lost her cool I guess. She called him a prick and said he should just go fuck himself' Stella was laughing harder now and so was Liam 'That got us both in tons of trouble since I was rolling on the floor laughing. But we both have a criminal record, mine more filled up than hers I think I might have the mug shot pictures somewhere as well. I'll have to dig them up'

'Send me a copy ya? I'll add them to the wall' Liam said eyes bright

They sat in the coffee shop drinking tea and eating deserts till the rain stopped, and long after. When it was time to go there separate ways Stella pulled Liam into a tight hug

'Thank you Liam' Stella mumbled into his shoulder

'What for?'

'For this talk that I really needed' Stella could feel him smile

They pulled apart and Liam pressed a kiss to her forehead before walking away, Stella watched him walk down the sidewalk and turn the corner. She started to walk the other way and as she was walking she called Kelly

'Hello?' Kelly said with a tired groggy voice

'Kelly, hi' Stella said happily

'Stella, is everything alright?'

'Everything is really great actually. But um could you find something for me? Two pictures to be exact'

'Can I do it in the morning?' Kelly whined and Stella suddenly remembers that Kelly left back to New York a few days ago

'Right sorry for calling you so late. Call me in the morning for more details, goodnight babe' Stella said and hung up before Kelly could actually answer. She knew if she said anything more than Kelly would roll out of bed and do it and Stella didnt want that. She wanted Kelly to sleep because she deserved it.

When Stella got back to Amber's house it was quiet, the tv was playing soflty and Amber was alseep with Alexa laying in her arms on the couch. Stella quietly took off her heels and walked over to her sister and niece, she picked up Alexa and padded up the stairs. She put Alexa in her bed and coverd her but right before she goes to turn on her sea shell night light she hears a moan. Stella freezes; her hand on the light switch when she hears it again. Stella leaves Alexa's room and goes to the balcony that look's down at the living room to see Amber sleeping soundly still. Confusion fills her mind but then she hears it again louder with some muffled talking and Stellas hands almost start to shake because- no. fuck no.

Stella goes to the end of the hall to the closed guest room door that Stella and Cody are sharing. The moaning is louder on the other side of the door and when Stella opens it she almost laughs. Inside is Cody and some girl fucking on the bed she sleeps on every night. Anger fills her veins and she's so fucking mad that her hands shake. Cody and the girl jump as they notice her standing there; her hair a mess from the wind and rain and her eyes glaring.

'Get out' is all Stella says, she hears the girl queitly whisper to Cody _"I thought you didnt have a girlfriend?"_ 'Didnt you fucking hear me? Get the hell out! Both of you' Stella says almost screaming

They both scramble off the bed and the girl pulls on her dress and grabs her heels and quickly walks out of the room passing Stella. While Cody just pulls on his boxers and sits at the end of the bed looking annoyed and Stella rolls her eyes and gives him a disgusted look 'Get the fuck out' Then Stella leaves the room. She needs a drink.

But she hears Cody following right behind her down the stairs 'What? I'm not aloud to sleep with other people now?'

'Dont fucking start with me, you know why i'm angry' Stella sneers and pours herself a glass of coke, then goes in the cabinet and gets out the vodka before pouring a good amount of it in the soda

'Please enlighten me' Cody snaps glaring down at her while Stella takes a long drink then slamming it on the counter, feeling like she might explode

'Oh excuse me for being fucking angry when I catch you fucking some girl in my bed, which I sleep in every single night! What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you and I-'

'You thought what? We arent in a relationship Stella, we just fuck around' Cody sneers at her

'I brought you here with me for my bestfriends wedding and you fuck some girl in my sisters house? Real classy'

'God you could be such a bitch sometimes!' Cody shouts at her

'Oh thanks for fucking telling me what I already know! Now get your fucking shit and get out, I'm twenty fucking two years old and I dont have time for your games right now. I thought I could trust you and then you turn around and start fucking other people' Stella is near hysteria and she feels like she might cry 'I havent slept with anyone else but you for such a long time and I thought we had this commitment to each other, sure our relationship is not like others but you keep me happy and I thought I kept you happy' Stella's voice cracks in the middle of it and tears stream over her eyes now, she's so fucking hurt.

'Stella-' Cody says softer now, but Stella doesnt want to hear it

'No- stop just please go' she says calmy and she feels like she might throw up all her insides. She turns away from him not able to even look at him

'But-'

'We can talk tommrow but right now I cant stand to see you' she snaps and pours more vodka in her coke. Cody leaves the kitchen then, she can hear him getting his things then the thumping of his footsteps on the staircase before the door slams. Stella lets her cries be out now, her body shaking with it.

Amber comes in the kitchen then and she turns Stella to her before wrapping her arms over her shoulders. Stella puts her arms over her torso and buries her face into her shoulder; crying harder.

'Why does everyone fuck me over' Stella says in hysterics clutching her sister thinking that if she lets go she will literally break in half.

'The ones who do fuck you over, dont deserve you. They dont deserve to see your light' Amber says rubbing her back and Stella cries harder because god it feels so untrue

'I hate everyone' Stella says softer, they pull apart and Stella almost laughs because she's a fucking mess, again. 'Everything is just falling apart again, it was all so good, Amber. Then I come here and I'm so overwhelmed with Bethany and Harry then Cody just completly ripped me apart. I cant do it anymore'

'Hey, hey look at me' Amber says getting closer and pushing her hair back out of her face 'I know your okay, you are the strongest person I know. Dont let Harry or Cody phase you alright? Dont let boys ruin your life like they ruined mine, focus on you, and your amazing career. Get some closure from all the things that caused you heart ache, It takes time but soon everything will be alright'

Stella starts to cry again and she hugs her sister tighter this time and god she's so fucking thankful for her. The light in Stella's life has returned.

 


	10. ten

The next morning Stella woke up before the sun did in Amber's bed and for a second her mind is complety blank. But as she turns her head and see's Alexa squezzed between them she's suddenly overwhelmed of the events from last night. She remembers the way Cody looked at her and what he did to her, how he didnt give a single shit about Stella. Sometimes Stella feels like whenever she's in a relationship the other person stops to care, like they act like they care about her then all of a sudden they have this look in there eye that Stella knows all to well.

And it sucks. It really fucking sucks. It _always_ happens, there's just something about Stella that isnt worth caring for and it hurts, it really hurts. Stella's mum and dad dont even care about her.

Before Stella can dwell on it anymore she gets up from Ambers bed, she leaves to her own bathroom in the guest room and she wont even look at the bed or Cody's things that he's left. She doesnt know where he is or where he stayed last night and Stella doesnt _care_. Stella brushes her teeth and puts her hair into a tight bun, she doesnt wipe off the speared makeup under and over her eyes; it just makes her look more angry and forgotten and Stella likes the look.

She digs through her suitcase by the door and pulls on a hoodie -that she's positive is hers and not Codys- and slips on her vans. She that she quietly leaves the guest room and goes downstairs to the kitchen, she digs through all of the drawers and finally finds matches and a small bottle of lighter fluid that they probably use for the grill outside. Stella quietly goes back up stairs and into the guest room. After she looks at the bed and it's messed up sheets, thank god the comforter was on the floor when Cody and that random girl were fucking or else Stella would have to burn that to.

Stella gathers all of the sheets off of the matress and carries them in a big handful out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house, down the street and around the corner until she's in the middle of a alley way where there's a empty rusted trashcan. From the alley way Stella can see Ambers window and she just knows that she's going to be furious with her; but Stella doesnt care. Stella dumps the sheet's in there and gets a small bottle of lighter fluid out of her hoodie pocket along with a small pack of matches and cigarrettes. She pours the whole bottle of lighter fluid around the sheets then throws the bottle somewhere behind her. Stella takes a ciggarette out of the pack and puts it to her lips before swiping one of the matches quickly against the box to light it. She lights her ciggarette with it then throws the match into the trashcan with the sheets. The sheets start to catch fire and burn quickly just as the sun is rising and sure this is a bit dramatic but Stella was basically cheated on and insulted and humilated and she's so mad dammit. So this is a way to take her anger out, because she know's that if she doesnt take her anger out on some one else other than Cody then she will lose it. She's going to be calm about this situation and all other situtations she's in because she's tired of being taken advantage of and being angry.

Stella is so fucking tired of being angry and always hurt about something, she's tired of holding onto the past. She wants to live in the now and enjoy her life and her friends and family dammit. So before Stella leaves the UK in a week in a half she's going to get closure to all of the things that have caused her pain or hurt her in any way and the first person on that long list of people who hurt her or made her feel like shit is her mother.

-

Stella's mother is alot like Stella; she's stubborn and a bitch and really doesnt care about alot of people. But when she does care about something she cares about it with her entire heart and she will care until the ends of the earth. Stella was sometimes the thing her mom cared about but not really that much, her mum wasnt really a mum to her. More of a person that critizied and gave her advice on what she should wear to partys. So they naturally hated each other, they would disagree on alot and never really talked that much. But she's the one who really caused Stella tons of heart ache and self hatred.

When Stella came back from burning the sheets just to be faced with a irritated Amber. She was waiting in Stella's guest bedroom with her arms crossed and foot tapping while Alexa sits on the floor riffling through Stella's suitcase happily.

'Yes?' Stella says almost laughing at Ambers angry face

'Why did you do that?' Amber asks

'Do what?' Stella says trying to play dumb

'Burn the sheets off this matress! Stella what the hell!?' Amber shouts now

'I'm going to barely be able to sleep in this room! I had to burn something to be able to actually get over it.'

'Stella' Amber whines and sighs at the same time

'Dont worry about it, I'll buy you new silk soft ones alright?' Stella coo's forcing a hug on her 'Now get dressed, were visiting mum'

'Grammy?!' Alexa says excitedly

'Yes! Now you and mummy go and get dressed' Stella says and Alexa nods and grabs her mums hand and leads her out of the room

'I want an explanation' Amber says looking back at Stella over her shoulder

'And you'll get one on the drive over'

-

Soon it's time to leave and there all bundled up in coats since it started to snow just as they were ready to leave. Stella is sporting a short black flowly dress over some tights that are slightly ripped at the sides along with her big black boots. Shes wearing a warm peacoat and a scarf to top it all off, while her hair is in a pony tail and her makeup dark.

Once the three of them were on the road for the 3 hour car ride from London to Manchester Amber demanded a answer to why Stella forced them to all go to Manchaster. And Stella told her everything, from the burning sheets to the mission she made for herself. The love for Amber suddenly grew 10x bigger because she didnt judge or say it was stupid, she thought it was good that Stella wanted to gain her happiness back.

After 2 more hours of talking and laughing and joking about they finally pulled up to Stella's childhood home. She hasnt been back since she left for uni around 5 years ago, the flowers and plants in the front yard are still well maintained and everything looks so clean. Stella stops to smell the flower that has been there since Stella can remember and god its been so long.

Stella stands at the door while Amber chases Alexa around the yard half-hardly yelling at her to put her sweater back on. Stella's hand is just about to knock when she puts it back down feeling defeated. Stella doesnt think she could face her mother it's been years since they even talked and if her mother cant even make an effort to stay in her daughters life then why should Stella make an effort to stay in hers.

Stella is half way turned around when the door opens. She was just about to tell Amber not to bother with the sweater because there going home, she isnt ready but Stella is shitted on by the universe again because her mother is opening the door. Stella turns around to face her mum, and she looks older; her short black hair has some grey growing in it and the bright green eyes that Stella remembers are now a darker duller color. Her mum is still so beautiful.

'Stella' Stella's mum; Claire says.

'Hi mum' Stella says shyly, and her mum steps out of the house and gets a closer look at her daughter. She cups her hand around her cheek and Stella's a foot taller than her in these heels so she has to look down at her mum's watering eyes.

'Oh darling' her mum mumbles then wraps her arms around her shoulders before pulling her in for a tight hug. Stella hugs her mum back just as tight and she pulls herself together before she starts to cry.

Once they stopped hugging and Amber finally catched Alexa they went inside and Stella's inside's were turning. Claire leads them to the couch and Stella sits down next to Amber and Alexa while her mum goes into the kitchen. Stella looks around the house and it looks the same except there's new curtains and some new photo's along with furniture. It even smells the same, the same earthy flowery smell that Stella cant quite explain. There are picture's of Stella from when she was a baby to when she was a teenager aligning the wall, there's only a few but then there's Amber littering the wall so much more. With her highschool and college graduation pictures and other random photo's along with photo's of Alexa and other family members that Stella doesnt want to take the time to remember.

'I need more pictures of you' Claire says while walking into the room with a tray of tea. She sits across from Stella and starts to mix her tea. 'Maybe if you would visit and call more I would have alot more of you-'

'You drove me away' Stella snaps right away already feeling attacked and hurt. Claire looks down at her tea and Stella wants to scream and yell at her, wants to make hard eye contact so she knows how hurt Stella really is.

'Right Alexa want to go play in the back garden?' Amber says after the brief silence, Amber squezzes Stella's hand before getting up and following Alexa's happy chatter to the back garden.

'So how are you?' Claire asks with a smile and Stella hates her; she hates her because she know's her mum is the fakest human being she knows.

'Fine, I live in New York now. I'm a pretty succesful photographer' Stella says with confidence

'Are you? Havent seen a picture by you in any of the papers' Stella's mum says sipping her tea

'Pick up a vogue magazine and you will' Stella spits back feeling anger spill in her veins. Her mum sits back in the plush chair and brings her tea to her lips looking over the rim of the cup with daring eyes.

'So hows that boy of yours? Harry is his name?' Claire asks after a beat of silence

'He's fine I guess' Stella asks trying to go for nonchalant so her mum wouldnt know that he ripped her to pieces

'You to arent together anymore?' she asks

'No we arent, we broke up when I left for New York' Stella says trying to keep her hands from shaking and her voice cracking

'Ah yes you left for New York out of no where, Amber told me' Her mum says while smiling 'What happend? Bethany took you with her when she died didnt she?'

'I suppose, and my dad took you with him when he left as well' Stella snarled back and that made Claires eyes narrow

'How could you have let him win? By leaving you showed Harry that you are weak and couldnt handle your relationship. If It was me I would have packed up all of _his shit_ and threw it out onto the street' her mum said in her calm clipped tone that annoys Stella to the max 'I didnt raise you to be a weaklink and let boys get the best of you'

'You didnt raise me at all, really. I raised myself basically and you know what? I'm happy I left; it might have been a sign of weakness to those who are actually weak like yourself but to me I thought it was good that I got away from all of the hurt. All of the negative energy around me, I was drowing with him and now I can finally fucking breath' Stella says gaining her confidence back as she realizes that this woman that she calls her mother cant bring her down like she used to. 'And you know _Claire_ I didnt come here for your shitty opinion and rude critisizim.'

'Then why did you come? You _obvsiouly_ should have realized that I dont want you here' her mum snarled and Stella's eyes burn for a second and she clutches her bag tighter

'The reason I came here in the first place was to understand _why?_ Why you always had this hatred for me, why you never loved me like you love Amber. Why you never want to see me. But then I realized _I dont care,_ and thats the beauty of it all. That I dont give a single fuck that my mother doesnt care about me. Because someone once told me to cut all of the people out of your life that dont give you absolute happiness even if it might be hard because in the end, who's there? You.' Stella is smiling by the end of it and she feels herself relaxing like a weight is being lifted off her shoulders.

'I do care about you Stella, I just dont know how to express it that well-' her mum starts and tears start to fall from her eyes

'Dont give me that bullshit. Ever since I could remember you treated Amber a hundred times better than you ever treated me and I used to feel like absolute shit, you know that? That I would cry myself to sleep sometimes because I felt like my own mother didnt love me. And I believed it, to this day I still believe it.' Stella's eyes are starting to water and burn and she's trying to keep her voice from shaking 'I used to feel so unwanted, I used to feel like nobody wanted me and that I was an object to be used rather than a human and all of that is because of you! God- fuck you! All I wanted was for my own mother to care and love me and you failed at the simplest task just like you failed the others' Stella says tears falling down faster now and her heart is failing.

'God dont- dont do this to me!' her mum wails

'Do what to you? You did all of the fucked up things to me! I came here to tell you that I dont care anymore and this is probably the last time your going to see me!' Stella shouts at her mother and she's so angry and hurt

'I-I'm sorry, I know you didnt deserve what I gave you and I regret it every day. I really do Stella. I'm sorry' her mum blubbers and Stella almost feels bad but she does forgive her.

There quiet for a minute and Stella pulls herself together and she pulls out her flask and takes a swing from it before handing it across the coffe table to her mum.

'Pull yourself together mum. I have important questions to ask you' Stella says sternly

After claire wipes her face and eyes dramatically with a tissue and takes a few deep breathes that makes Stella want to roll her eyes but she fights the urge. Her mother finally mumbles a 'Alright'

'Where is my father?' Stella blurts out immediatly and Claire looks so taken back and her eyes fill up again and she puts her head down and starts to sob uncontrollably. Stella fills panic fill her up and she gets up from the couch and goes to the side of her mums chair, she bends down to her level. She takes her mums hand and ask's again 'Mum, look at me. Where is he?'

She's quiet for a few minutes and each minute that passes Stella feels herself being killed over and over again 'H-he passed away 4 years ago' Claire sobs breathless and Stella's eyes go wide in shock. She lets go of her mothers hand and stands up, she begins to pace around the room. _4 years ago? Bethany passed away 4 years ago_ Stella thinks over and over again and she feels emotions knock her down over and over again. From sadness to anger to confusion to sadness

'Why didnt you fucking tell me!' Stella finally shouts at her mother 'You couldnt even have the fucking balls to call your daughter and tell her, her father is dead!? Was there even a funeral?' Stella is close to hysterics and she wants to burn everything. Her mum just crys more into her hands 'Answer me!' Stella shouts again because she needs to know what happend, she needs to understand.

'He was cremated and his mother has his ashes, there wasnt a ceremony or anything. He's been sick with a tumor since you were 16 and it finally got the best of him.' Claire says with a shaky voice.

'What the fuck! Why didnt anyone _tell me!?_ I deserve to know I care about him and I miss him and- and I wanted to know why he left, why he didnt want to see me anymore' Stella says covering her face with her hands and she can feel them shake as tears flow down her cheeks. She feels her mum embrace her a second later

'I'm sorry Stella, I know you and your dad were close. But it wasnt your fault he left; him and I just didnt work out well. We fell out of love.'

'How the fuck do you fall out of love? I fucking _hate_ that word' Stella says bitterly as she wraps her arms around her mums small shoulders and allows herself to be held because Stella _needs this._ She needs to be held by her mum because if she isnt then she thinks she wont be able to go on.

'Oh darling, some things arent ment to be. I have only loved one man since I was sixteen and that is your father and I still love him, I always will. It's just things dont always work out how you want them to, that's just the way life is'

'That's so shit' Stella whimpers and cries a bit more into her mums shoulder before pulling away. 'I think I need to go home now'

'Stay the night, yeah?' her mum pleads and Stella knows that she's trying to make up for all of those years she fucked her over and Stella is greatful for that.

'I just- I need to go home and think for a bit. But I'll call you okay?'

'Yeah- yeah okay' her mum says quietly before adding 'I'm sorry, I know I fucked things up before but I'm going to make them up, I love you alright? I always have and I always will'

Stella nods and her eyes are watering again because she hasnt herd her mum says that in so many years. 'Love you to' Stella says hugging her again. She then grabs her bag and leaves her childhood home. Amber and Alexa are staying the night and Stella was going to as well if things went well with her mum, but since finding out all this new information Stella is gonna pass.

Stella has been driving for an hour when her emotions get the best of her and she has to pull over on the side of the road. She puts her head over the steering wheel and crys. Her sobs near hysteric. In the midst of the sobs Stella moves her head to the side and see's the open fields of England, the sun is near setting and the sky is purples and oranges and just very beautiful. And it's odly comforting; because no matter how horrible everything gets and how people you love will leave your life and this earth and how things change rapidly every day, its comforting to know that some things dont. That the sun wont stop setting and rising, that the seasons will always change, that Stella's home is still there. The same flower in the front garden will always grow and will always smell the same.

　

　


	11. eleven

The next day Stella doesnt leave Ambers bed, she lays in the king sized bed all day drifting in and out of sleep. She doesnt want to get up, she doesnt want to leave the safe sanctuary of Ambers room. The big windows over looking the city, the plush blankets and white sheets provide comfort for Stella's heartache and tears. Stella is so sad and hurt because her father died 3 years ago and had a brain tumor and she didnt even know, how could she have not known? Someone should have fucking told _me_. Stella thinks over and over again and it's eating her soul inside, its literally ripping her up inside and she hates herself. She hates herself, her mother and everyone who has the person they love next to them, and the thing that fucking _sucks_ about everything that Stella goes through is that Bethany isnt here to help her through it.

No matter what is happening in Stella's life, it doesnt matter if its just a small issue or a huge one; Bethany was always there. She was there to hug you and watch your favorite movies and she would do stupid things with you just because she knew it would make you happy. Bethany was the light of everyones life, and Stella despretlety wants her back, wants her to lay next to her and coo words that dont make you feel so hopeless about the world anymore. Stella needs her, she misses her more then ever.

-

Eventually Stella gets hungry, at about 2 in the afternoon Stella drags herself out of bed and into Ambers closet. She strips off her clothes and puts on a white thin sweater and black tights that Stella finds in her drawers. She sits on the floor and laces up her black doc martens and Stella's eyes begin to water again because Bethany bought her these boots. Stella begins to cry and _god_ does she feel pathetic.

When she's done crying and she gets up from the floor, Stella goes into the bathroom. She cringes at her reflection, her face is red and tear stained while her eyes are red and puffy and black from yesterdays make up and she looks like a fucking mess. So Stella washes her face with Ambers super exspensive mouistrizing makeup that makes her feel a little better. After Stella puts her hair into a pony tail and makes her way down stairs. Stella picks up her peacoat from the floor and slips it on while grabing her phone and shoving on her black sunglasses even though its not even sunny outside. Its cold and snowy and quite awful outside and it matches Stella's mood perfectly. Stella grabs some money from Ambers secret stash in Alexa's toy room and leaves the house.

She walks to the Cafe thats close by and orders a dozen donuts and 2 large coffee's. She sits by the window staring out into the winter wonderland outside and it doesnt make her feel any better at all. Stella is in the middle of texting Amber telling her she should stay another night at there mums because she needs more time alone and the weather is awful. Thats when Stella hears a famliar voice say her name, she looks up quickly and it's Niall wrapped up in a coat and beanie; his cheeks red and concern etched on his face.

'Stella?' he says again and Stella snaps out of her surpised stare

'Hi' she finally says and Niall sits across from her complelty uninvited

'Are you alright? You look a right mess' Niall asks trying for joking but his smile quickly fades when he see's that Stella isnt laughing or smiling.

'I'm not actually' Stella says looking down at her thumbs, no use to lying anymore.

'I can tell, whats up?' he asks and Stella leans her head down on the cold table, closing her eyes she takes deep breathes. She brings her head up and shakes her head.

'I dont want to talk about it' she mumbles

'Is this about Cody?' he asks seriously and Stella almost laughs

'No, I actually forgot about him. I've just- I've been busy' Stella says staring down at the table

'Dont tell me you fucking dealing again' Niall says seriously and Stella almost laughs again

'No Niall for fucks sake!' Stella says and she's laughing, Niall gets a box of cigarretes and puts one to his mouth and gives one to Stella.

'I dont think your aloud to smoke in here' Stella says leaning in close to him for a light.

He just shruggs 'Nah dont worry about it, I shagged the manager she wont mind'

Stella burst out laughing and there are tears in her eyes. Just then her 2 coffee's and donuts arrive and maybe she will stay and chat a bit with Niall, just to keep her mind off things.

'So how is he anyway?' Stella asks after a few minutes of silence, Stella puts sugar and creme into her coffee and stirs with the same hand thats holding her ciggarette. While Niall munches on her donuts

'Who Harry?' Niall says and Stella rolls her eyes

'No Cody you prick'

'Oh yeah he's cool I guess. He's been at Liam and Harry's, he was on about some shit about you but I wasnt paying attention. He went looking for you but I guess he thought you left back to New York, so he was even more pissed off'

Stella snorts and shakes her head 'He's so stupid sometimes. I told him I would talk to him later, I needed some time.'

'What happend between you two anyway?'

'Long story and I dont want to talk about it' Stella dismisses it, she takes a drink from her coffee thats to bitter but she like's it anyway.

'You know someones _always_ going on about you. Its eather Liam crying about you and Bethany and the past or Harry about your relationship and now Cody calling you a controlling bitch. Your just on everyons last nerve arent you?'

'He called me a controlling bitch? Oh whatever will I do?' Stella mocks and Niall laughs. They smoke and eat for a little longer until Stella's phone starts to ring on the table next to her.

It's Amber

'Yo'

 _'Stella Eric is on the way to the house right now!'_ Amber shouts frantically and Stella almost chokes on her coffee from how she's yelling

'Ex husband Eric?'

'Yes!'

'So? What you want me to do about it?'

'Go to the house and dont let him in. He said he wants to take a few things but I dont want that bastard going near anything.'

'Alright I'm on it.'

Stella then ends the call and gets up from her chair

'I gotta go Niall, I'll talk to you later, yeah?' Stella says closing the lid on her seconds coffe and shutting the donut box before Niall eats them all.

'Yeah, oh! There's a party tonight, you should come.'

Stella wrinkles her nose at the thought 'Nah, I dont think-'

' _Oh come on_ , just one night. Please! Just for a bit?' Niall pleads and Stella really just wants to crawl away because no she doesnt want to go out tonight but she really doesnt want to upset Niall.

'We'll see, text me!' Stella says, she gives Niall a hug then leaves the cafe. She walks home quickly and barely gets in and shuts the door before theres a knock.

Stella puts down the coffee and donuts on the kitchen counter and slips off her coat. She quickly digs through the furniture drawers by the door looking for pepper spray that Amber told her to use just in case. Once Stella finds it she holds it tight in her hands before opening the door. Eric is smoking a ciggarette and not even noticing the door has been open'd

'Can I help you?' Stella asks cocking her hip and leaning on it

'Yeah is Amber in?' Eric finally makes eye contact with Stella and she just wants to smack him.

'No. She's out, was there something you needed?' Stella asks politely, she keeps the door close to her ready to slam it in his face.

'Can I come in? I need to pick up a few of my things'

'No, Amber told me she threw all of you shit out so there is no reason you need to come in here' Stella says sternly, on the verge of snapping

'Listen to me doll, I'm just gonna grab a few things and leave. Amber doesnt have to know' Eric starts to walk up the step to the door and puts his arm and starts to push it open, Stella gets pushed back by the force of it so Eric and her are in the foyer. Stella quickly puts the pepper spray to his face and sprays it, while Eric falls to the floor and rubs his eyes in agony.

'How does that feel you bastard!? Now you understand the pain you put through Amber and Alexa you prick' Stella shouts at him and god she fucking hates him. She then grabs his legs and drags him out of the house and down the steps and she's so happy he's in pain. After that she leaves him in the cold snowy air and slams the door without a second thought.

And maybe Stella will go out tonight.

-

Stella get's to the party kind of late. Niall had texted her and said it was starting at 10 and Stella got there at nearly midnight. It wasnt her fault that she was late to events sometimes, but alot of things had been going on for her in the span of 8 hours. Right when Stella had finished pepper spraying Eric she locked the doors and windows and poured herself a drink. He scared the shit out of her and it kind of shooken her up a bit but she still felt good, full of energy. So she had a few drinks; nothing heavy when Amber came in, looking panicked and tear stained.

Alexa was asleep in her arms so Stella went to get the bags and hopefully calm her sister down. They talked about Amber and Eric's past relationship and what had happended when he came over, but eventually Amber calmed down and said she was off to bed while Stella stayed up because she had to get ready.

Stella took a long shower and convinced herself that everything is alright and that she could go out for one night without having a nervous breakdown. So she got ready; Stella was sporting a black lace crop top bra type thing with ripped up jean high wasted shorts and suspender tights. Her makeup was dark and her hair full and big while her heels her tall. For the first time Stella felt like she was 18 again, going out with her friends, looking for a good time even if it meant cheap bear and shitty music. As long as the weed is good and the company is good Stella doesnt care, because she was young and naive and the world was still so beautiful and she had a beautiful boy waiting to hold her hand and a wonderful best friends that she would go to the ends of the earth for.

But that was forever ago and now Stella is hopelessly alone. Tagging along to a party that really isnt hers to show up to, and the boy left and her bestfriends gone. Still Stella calls for a taxi and tells him the adress.

On the car ride over her cell phone rings and it's Kelly

'Hello'

'Stella hi, it's Kelly'

'Hi, you alright?'

'Yes, erm well. This clothing company called and they wanted to see if you could do a shoot tonight.'

'Tonight?'

'Yes, they are London based and I told them that its to short notice and they have to schedule in advance. Plus it really is late in the night, around 3 they want to start to maybe they could get some sunrise pictures'

'Right, well I'm on my way to a party right now so maybe I could just pull an all nighter? But yes I will do it'

'Stella are you sure? It is quite late and I'm not in London right now so I wont be there-'

'Kelly relax, I'll be alright. Just send a car for me'

'Okay, I'll let them know.'

They talk for a little longer, Stella rattling off the adress of the club while Stella tells her details of the shoot. Soon she is at the club and there's a line at the door that goes all the way around the corner but Stella was told that she is on the list. So Stella tells the bouncer her name and he nods and lets her in and Stella wonders how Niall even got in to such a high rise club that requires a 'list'

As soon she gets in she can tell while there requires a list. It's really fancy and there's bottle service and rich looking people in VIP sections and the music is loud and there's girls dancing half naked on pedestals. There's so many people and lots of lights and it's all a bit overwhelming. Stella wanders to the bar and orders a vodka tonic, then she conitnues to wander until she hears a familar voice call her name. When she turns around its Zayn walking over to her smiling widely and Stella's mood raises. She meets him half way and they share a tight hug and Stella is so happy to see him again.

'Come over here we have a booth.' he says and grabs her hand and leads her past the VIP rope. And then Stella see's her hood rat friends that dont belong in a place as nice and exspensive at this. Everyone gets up when she comes and there all so excited to see her, Jesy hugs her first then the rest of them. Then it's Cody next and she feels hurt and anger flare up on just the sight of him but she just lets it go because no. Then she see's Harry in the corner of the booth and he's staring at her while Cara is whispering something in his ear. Stella just take's a deep breaht because no not here, she will not become a mess here. Nobody seems to know notice there awkward stare, Stella chooses to ignore him and sits next to Zayn and Niall in the big booth.

'I'm glad you came, Stell' Niall says giving her a grin that makes Stella know that she made the right descion. Stella soon starts to loosen up after a few drinks and she drags Perrie and Jade out to the dance floor. Stella is having such a great time dancing and drinking with her friends that she hasnt really spent time with in a million years but its so great because they always pick up where they left off. They dont ever stop caring about Stella, no matter what she does or where she goes, and Stella is so fucking greatful for that kind of support in her life.

Soon Stella starts to get tired of dancing and she needs another drink, so she grabs Niall's hand since he's currently the closest to her and drags him to the bar with her.

'Buy me a drink' Stella says giving him puppy dog eyes but he just rolls his eyes and mumbles 'wanker' under his breath and Stella laughs loudly. They chat about things probably wont remember in the morning, and then Stella gets her vodka cranberry and Niall gets his beer and they start to leave the bar when Cody comes up to Stella. He grabs her fore arm soflt and Stella looks at his hand then his eyes and she wants to cry

'Can I talk to you for a second?' he says against her ear

'Whats there to talk about?' Stella says suddenly feeling herself sober up

'Us'

Stella laughs at that and Niall is looking between the both of them with confused eyes 'oh fuck off'

'Stella-'

Stella's phone starts to vibrate suddenly from the inside of her bra and she quickly hands her drink to Niall and gets it out quickly

'Hello?'

'Stella it's Kelly'

'I have caller ID you dont have to tell me it's you, love' and maybe Stella is just a bit drunk

'Your car is waiting outside for you, and you better sober up quickly before the shoot. There is an assisant in the car as well'

'I am not drunk!' Stella shouts then hangs up and she grabs her drink from Niall 'I have to go' Stella says hugging him 'Call me okay? I miss you Niall'

Then she glares at Cody one last time before walking away

'Wait Stella!' she hears Cody yell after her but she just keeps walking and she tries not to let her eyes fill up with tears. Stella makes it outside and she can see a driver standing outside of the car with a card with Stella's name on it. Stella starts to walk clumsily and she regrets wearing such high heels.

'Wait' she hears Cody's voice and he's grabbing her arm and pulling her back 'I need to talk to you'

'There's nothing to fucking talk about!' Stella shouts and rips her arm out of his grip

'Yes there is! Your my bestfriend and I fucked up, okay? I fucked up and I miss you.'

'Oh shut up, you dont give a shit about me' Stella slurs and almost falls over trying to walk away from him, but Cody isnt letting her. Always grabbing her arm and pulling her back to him

'Yes I do! It was one time that I fucked some one else beside you. And maybe we wont fuck anymore but that doesnt mean that I dont want us to be friends. Your the closest thing I have to a family' Cody says sadly and tears are falling over her eyes now because she know's that Cody's parents are dead and it's always just been him alone. Until Stella came into his life and showed him a life he could live 'I'm sorry' he says finally

'Me to' Stella whispers wiping her cheeks 'I miss you as well you prick' Cody's face breaks out into a grin at that and he picks up Stella and spins her around in a hug

'Your my favorite person you know that?' he says then kisses her cheek

'I still hate you though and all trust for you is gone' Stella says seriously

'Oh shut up you love me' Cody says and Stella laughs

'I have to go! I have a shoot' she says pulling away from there embrace and continuing her walk to the car

'I'll see you in the morning?' he shouts as Stella is getting into the car

'Call me!'

the last thing she see's him do is blow her a kiss.

Next to Stella is a young woman with long reddish hair thats pulled back into a braid and a ipad in her lap

'Um hi?' Stella slurs trying to clear her mind of the fog

'Hi, I'm Kellys assistant Bethany' she says putting her hand out to shake and Stella's blood freezes. She reminds her so much of Bethany.

'Nice to meet you, I'm Stella' she shakes her hand

'Right, so I have shoes for you because Kelly said you wouldnt be able to photograph in heels' Bethany hands her Stella's doc marten boots 'I also have some donuts and tea to sober you up'

Stella is so greatful for Kelly and Bethany because Kelly is somehow always taking care of Stella and knowing what's right for her. Stella thanks her and begins to munch on her donuts while Bethany runs through her schedule and the times they will be taking breaks and when the whole thing is actually over.

Stella is tired, suddenly _so_ tired and she almost wants to call off the whole shoot and just call Cody and they could fly back home to New York and sleep in Stella's big bed where everything is so famliar. Stella starts to wish that she never should have came back to London in the first place, never should have visited her mum and found out such awful news.

But it's 3:15 am and Stella is in a sleek black car driving to god knows where with a women who's name is Bethany and reminds Stella so much of her Bethany. She wants to cry.

So she does, sobs start to rack her body and everything fucking hurts. She's a crying drunk mess and Stella hates herself.

'Stella are you alright?' Bethany asks gently touching her arm

'No, everything fucking sucks' Stella whimpers into her hands

'What sucks? You have this amazing career' Bethany says gently and it feels like its _actually_ Bethany talking to her

'You know my bestfriend in the whole entire world is named Bethany, I love her so much' Stella says almost hysterical 'but she was taken from me'

Bethany doesnt say anything but she grabs Stella's hand and intertwines there fingers together. 'You know its going to hurt before it gets better'

Stella stops crying when she hears that and looks up at Bethany but she doesnt see Kelly's assistant Bethany. She see's her Bethany; her long auburn hair tied up in a ponytail and a beautiful floral dress that Stella remembers all to well. She's grinning at Stella and her hand reaches out to caress Stella's cheek and the touch feel's so real. Like she really isnt gone at all, like she calls every day to see how she's doing.

'Remember what I told you all those years ago when we were laying on my hostpital bed? I told you not to fuck everything up that you have going for you because I'm not going to be around anymore' Bethany says and tears keep falling out of Stella's eyes 'I also told you to be strong.

Sometimes recovery is waking up early to write in coffee shops and practicing yoga and eating lots of fruit and chocolate and sometimes it’s staying in bed all day and hiding from the world until you can stop crying. All of this is okay. What’s important is that you take care of yourself no matter what kind of day you’re having. I need you to take care of yourself okay, Stella? I'm _always with you._ Just when you think things cant get worse and your just having a shit day remember me alright? Remember our sleep overs and the day that we went out and got drunk and on the way home you beat the shit out of Cara. Remember that?'

Stella breathes a laugh because that was one of the best days of her life 'Just remember me, okay? I love you.' Bethany brings Stella in closer and she holds her 'Cut the posion out of your life no matter what or whom it maybe be' Bethany whispers then kisses her forehead.

When Stella pulls away from the hug it's not her Bethany anymore, it's Kellys Bethany. She gives her a small smile and then Stella's door is being opend. Once she gets out of the car barefoot with her docs in one hand and her donuts in the other she immediatly is being led to a building. Inside there are people organizing clothes and make up and setting up lights and props and cameras. It's a bit overwhelming but the guy who led her to where she is tells her to make herself at home. So Stella makes her way to the make up tables where there is big mirros and varietys of makeup on the counter. Stella sets her things down on one of the chairs while Bethany talks to a director or some what. Stella helps herself to a makeup remover wipe and rubs off all of the black around her eyes and cheeks.

Once her face is clean of makeup she put her hair in a bun and grabs her Doc Martens and sits on the floor and starts to lace them up. When she's done pulling herself to together again someone claps there hands and says it's okay to start.

So that's how Stella spent the rest of her night, photographing beautiful people in beautiful clothes who look like gold compared to Stella. But nobody seems to care that the photographer is this young girl wearing beat up old doc martens and ratty old high waisted shorts.

Stella feels so great even if she still is a bit buzzed and loose, she wants to cut the poison out of her life and hating herself is poisonouis.

　

 


	12. twelve

When Stella finally got home from her photoshoot around 9 in the morning she was dead tired with a mild hangover. When she walked in the kitchen of her sisters house Cody, Zayn, and Harry were making pancakes and laughing loudly. All Stella did was drop her bag by the door and she probably looked like a fucking mess. Amber and Perrie are in the living room with Alexa watching cartoons and they all stared at her.

'Where have you been?' Amber says walking over to her with her arms crossed and maybe Stella was just a bit pissed off at her, maybe because she's dead tired or maybe because a question has been eating at her since she could finally think straight at 4:30 in the morning while photographing.

'I had a shoot' Stella says and she can feel Harrys eyes burning into her head and she just wants everyone to leave

'Why didnt you call? I called you I dont know how many times and you didnt answer not once' Amber seems so irritated with her

'My phone died' Stella says anger filling her

'I was so worried that something had happend, didnt you have a charger or something?' Amber asks and everyone seems to have started to mill about chatting again but Stella is so fucking mad and tired

'Did you know?' Stella asks

'Know what?' Confusion fills her eyes

'That our father was sick and then died the same year Bethany did?' Stella asks almost frantically. Amber is quiet and she doesnt meet her eyes anymore 'Answer me!' Stella says a bit louder because no, fucking no. Stella's eyes begin to fill up with tears

'Yes. I knew' Amber says after a moment and tears finally drop from her eyes and god this hurts.

'Why didnt you tell me!?' Stella yells and she's in hysterics. Zayn, Cody and Harry have all stopped talking and are now quiet. Perrie has taken Alexa outside in the back garden

'Cant we discuss this later? I dont want to talk about this when we have company' Amber whispers to Stella and that just pisses her off even more

'I dont give a fuck! Why didnt you tell me my dad is dead? I deserve to fucking know, you are sopposed to tell me these things. I trusted you god I fucking _trusted you!_ Your sopposed to be my sister and help me and I just- I dont know what to do!' Stella yells and she's weeping into her hands and she feels her body start to break. 'You know I'm so _fucking tired_ of being fucked over, your the one person who isnt soppsed to screw me over!' she suddenly remembers Bethany in the car at 3 in the morning telling her to cut the poison out of her life 'I have to go, I cant stay here' Stella snaps and starts to walk towards the stairs when Amber grabs her arm

'Dont _touch me!_ God dont talk to me!' Stella rips her arm out of her sisters grip and runs up the stairs. She's so tired and so fucking sad. When she gets to the guest room she grabs her suitcase and all the clothes in the closet and litered around the room and stuffs them in the suitcase. She gets to the bathroom- without even glancing at the mirror- and shoves all of her toiletries in her bag. She's never packed so fast, when Stella gets out of the bathroom, Cody is grabbing all of his stuff from the drawers and closet and Stella starts to cry harder standing there with her bags in her hands. Cody comes up to her after zipping up his suitcase and wraps his arms around her giving her a tight hug before handing her, her sunglasses. And Stella is so greatful for him.

'You dont have to leave you know' Stella mumbles but Cody just shakes his head

'I cant let you go back by yourself, not like this'

Stella nods and tries to give him a smile but fails miserably

She shoves her sunglasses on her face and takes a deep breath 'Can I use your phone?' Stella asks Cody with a shaky voice and he nods handing her his phone. Stella dials the familiar number

'Kelly hi, It's Stella'

'Hi, whats wrong? You alright?'

'No, not really. But I need a plane to New York right now. Can you get me one?'

'Yes of course I'm lookin right now, the nearest flight is in an hour. Can I get you a car as well? Same adress? '

'Yes, thank you'

'Whats happend? Why are you coming home?'

'I'll explain when I get to New York. Thank you' Stella says before hanging up and the call with Kelly kind of helped her relax and she's ready to leave and never come back.

'Ready?' Cody asks

'No' Stella replies before leaving the room with her suitcases, when she's walking down the stairs she can hear Amber crying and mumbling things to Harry and Zayn and Stella rolls her eyes. When Stella gets to the bottom of the staircase she puts her bags by the door neatly then walks past her sister to get to the back yard where Perrie and Alexa are running around with Perrie and Zayns dog. Stella walks through the grass and Perrie immediatly stops playing and her smile drops

'Whats happend?' She asks as Stella pulls up her sunglasses

'I'm going home' Stella says trying to keep her hands from shaking, she needs a drink and a ciggarette

'What? Why?'

'Because, I cant take it anymore-, I- I need some time. I'll explain later. I just came out to say goodbye.' Stella says and Perrie nods and she looks so sad. But she brings Stella in for a hug

'My home is your home _always_ , Stella. You dont have to go home you could just stay with Zayn and I-'

'Thank you for the offer but I need to stay in my flat in New York for a few days. I'll visit soon, I promise'

'Be safe' Perrie says with a small sad smile. Stella nods and then Alexa is coming over to them with a confused expression

'Why are you crying, Stells' She asks, Stella bends down to one knee so she's at Alexa's level. She pulls a piece of hair out of her niece's face and puts it behind her ear

'I'm going back home to New York now' Stella says quietly

'No! Why?' Alexa says her eyes filling up with tears and Stella breaks all over again

'My vacation is over, princess. But I'm going to visit soon okay? Maybe you can visit me one day when your old enough.' Stella says and wraps her arms around Alexa's tiny little frame, as tears escape 'Be good for your mum okay? I love you.'

'Love you to, I'm going to miss you' Alexa sniffles

'I'm gonna miss you to, princess' Stella kisses her forehead and stands up. She hugs Perrie one last time and walks back to the house. When she gets back in, the front door is open and she can see Cody loading up the bags in the car and Amber is standing in the front yard and Stella kind of hates her.

But then there's Zayn leaning against the kitchen door way and Stella is so sad. Zayn walks over to her and pulls her to his chest

'If going home is going to make whatever is going on with you right now feel better then go. Sometimes recovery is waking up early to paint pictures of the ocean in your living room and buying lots of plants and eating lots of fruit and chocolate and sometimes it’s staying in bed all day and hiding from the world until you can stop crying. All of this is okay. What’s important is that you take care of yourself no matter what kind of day you’re having. I need you to take care of yourself okay, Stella?' Zayn says and Stella nods into his chest tears falling out of her eyes steadily, god Stella cries to much. She's crying because she remembers Bethany saying something like that early this morning and two because she's leaving even though she wants to stay and three her sister broke her in half. 'Love you' 

'I love you to. Thank you for everything all these years I- I dont-'

'You dont have to thank me for caring about you, that's what friends do for friends. Be safe, and call me when you get home'

'Okay'

Zayn kisses her forhead and Stella just wants to hide under a bed and stay there forever. Stella walks out of the house and Cody is hugging Harry then Amber, Stella just watches and she hates everything and everyone. So she walks down the path to the car and everything is so weird. This is not how she planned anything, she didnt plan on leaving London broke in half, with the love of her life left behind and her father and sister being the reason breaking her in half. She doesnt know whats worse, the fact that things with Harry arent resolved and she _misses_ him so much that it hurts or that her sister lied to her and made her think so many lies and everything fucking sucks.

'Stella i'm sorry' Amber says suddenly grabbing Stella's hand

'I know, but I cant forgive you. Not now, I need some time' Stella croaks out not meeting her eyes, Amber nods and lets go of her hand. Stella walks to the car and is just about to open the door when she feels a hand on hers. And it's not Ambers small warm one, it's a big cold one that Stella reconizes more then her own. Stella looks up from the floor and is met with bright green eyes. Harrys grip on her hand loosens and he brings his hand up to caress her cheek, he uses his thumb to wip the tears thats pooled under her eyes and Stella cant do anything about it but stare into his eyes.

'Please dont go' he whispers and Stella wants to kiss him and she wants to be held by him. She wants to feel safe again.

'I have to' she whispers back looking away from his eyes

'Visit soon, okay? I- I miss you' he says finally before taking a couple of steps back. Stella just nods and turns back to the car door, but Harry grabs her wrist and turns her around and pulls her to his chest wrapping her in a hug. Stella holds the back of his crewneck in tight fist as she breathes in his same scent since he was 18 and _fuckfuckfuck_. They eventually pull away and before anything else could happen she opens the door to the car and hops in and as soon as the car door is shut and she's put her sunglasses back over her eyes and her seatbelt is on Cody asks her again

'Ready?'

'No'

And the answer will always be no, she will never be ready to leave her niece or Zayn or Harry. She will _never_ be ready to leave her sister or Bethany. She isnt ready for anything and she once thought that her life was finally together, that her huge success in New York would make everything okay again. But she was wrong. Again. Everything for Stella is shit and will always _be shit_. So Stella just tries to come to justice with the universes hatred for her and says

'Yes' then the car starts to make its way to Heathrow Airport.

-

Stella doesnt remember much since the drive from Amber's house to the airport. It was all just like one big numb haze, she didnt even cry on the way to the airport, she didnt speak eather. Just stared out the window looking at the old cafe that all of her friends used to go to and the college she attented. She even passed the graffiti wall that her and Zayn made, Stella takes in the memories that she's grown to appreciate because after this huge thing that has happend she doesnt think she can forgive anymore.

All Stella has done her entire life is forgive, she's been fucked over many, many times and she forgives the people that have done it to her because she needs them more then they need her.

The plane ride home was kind of short since Stella slept the whole way home, she's so exhausted and the minute the plane took off she passed out and didnt wake up until Cody had woken her up saying its time to go. Kelly was there at the airport to pick them up and Stella was so happy to see her, it's like Kelly is the only one who hasnt killed her yet.

-

The minute Stella walked through her flat she started to cry. There isnt any reason why Stella cries these days. Maybe its because everything in her life is falling apart, everyone around her is getting married and having children and just moving on with there life. Then there's Stella crying over a boy and cant even keep a fucking friends with benefits relationship. Stella wants a husband and a family and a house with lots of windows some day. She wants to move on with her life and learn how to cook dinner every night. She wants happily ever after.

'Whats wrong?' Kelly asks right away dropping all of the bags on the floor and guiding Stella to the couch, Stella just continues to cry unable to form words because everything is so fucking hard and she's tired. Tired of being sad and angry and just tired of being tired.

'I dont know what to do- I just I want to die' there it is. The thing that has been in the back of her brain since she was sixteen. Sometime's Stella wonders what it's like to die, she isnt scared of her life ending. And now with all of these horrible things happening to her she wouldnt mind dying. It would feel like a relief from all of the overwhelming things that she needs to handle.

'You what?' Kelly says in disbelief

'I'm having a fucking mid life crisis at 22!' Stella shouts at her and she doesnt mean to it's just it's all so hard 'Everything is just so hard right now, I- I dont know what to do' Stella says trying to calm herself down 'I thought that maybe getting closure with everything that made me feel horrible would help with this sadness but it just made everything worse. I hate myself-' Stella cries harder at the memory of her mother telling her, her father is dead.

'Everyone else is moving on with there life and getting married and having children and just moving on with there life, but then there's me who just has alot of friends but no real relationships' Stella says getting angrier

'Stella I know it's hard-' Kelly starts but that just makes Stella angrier, she gets up from the couch and starts to pace the area of her loft

'No you dont know! You dont understand what the fuck I have to go through in my mind every damn day! No one understands and I'm so tired of being angry and hurt all the time! I cant even trust my own sister anymore' Stella wails and pulls her hair back irriated 'The love of my life is in London with someone he's probably going to marry and then I'm here in New York crying over how my life is falling apart! My bestfriend is dead and I miss her- god I fucking miss her! She was the only one who truly understands what I have been through and she was taken from me fuck I hate- _everything!_ '

Stella then sits on the floor leaning her back against the floor to ceiling windows and it feels like if she just opend the window and stepped out all of this would end.

Kelly is silent still sitting on the couch and Stella regrets everything she just said, because now Kelly is going to worry 24/7 and the hopelessness of Stella's life shouldnt be burdend on her assistant.

'Kelly i'm sorry, you could leave. I wont be needing your services anymore' Stella says with a shaky voice her cheeks hot with tears. Her hair is a big curly mess and she's still wearing her doc martens and outfit from the party.

'What? Are you letting me go?' Kelly asks getting up from the couch, Stella just nods.

'Well I refuse, I'm not just your assistant i'm your friend. Your in a time of need right now and I will be that person who you need' Kelly says sitting down next to stella in her pencil skirt 'I dont get what it feels like to go through all that you have been through. But I will do whatever it takes to help you and to understand. You dont deserve to be alone, Stella' Kelly says and Stella just nods 'Now lets get you upstairs to sleep' Kelly gets up first and pulls Stella up with her.

They climb up the stairs and once they enter Stella's bedroom, Kelly goes into Stella's bathroom and starts the shower.

'You get cleaned up and I'll start cleaning' Kelly says and Stella doesnt have energy to argue. Stella showers and the warm water feels so good on her tired body, once she's done she wraps the towel around her but the sight she see's makes her confused.

'Kelly what are you doing?' she asks, Kelly is currently digging through her cabinets putting bottles of pain killers in a plastic bag. Stella has so many bottles of pills, she always buys alot because she feels like if the time comes, she's going to need them.

'I'm taking all of these out, just in case' she mumbles 'Why do you have so many anyway?' she looks up then and it dawns on her

Stella shruggs 'Just in case i guess'

Stella walks past Kelly in the bathroom and went to her walk in closet. She pulls on a old sweater that was once Bethany's and some knickers, then she stood by the walk in closet door and looks at her bed and how much she didnt want to sleep in it alone. She thought about calling Cody but he was probably asleep in his own bed and Stella just didnt feel right about him anymore. Stella went back in her closet and dug through the piles of clothes and other things until she found a oversized bear that Harry won for her at a carnival they went to. It was white with a floral bow around it's neck, It was just as big as Stella and she would sometimes would sleep with it when she was extra lonely.

So Stella climbed into her big white bed and tangled herself with the bear and blankets. It still smelled like Harry a little and Stella felt herself drift off just as kelly was leaving, taking away her pain killers and bottle's of vodka she kept stored in the cabinet. But before Kelly left her room Stella mumbled a 'Thank you' Kelly just nodded and gave her a smile.

Soon Stella was asleep and that's why she slept so often, because it was just a small escape from the world that she didnt want to live in.

 


	13. thirteen

Stella's eyes flutter open to the sunlight streaming in through her curtains, the room has this orange-ish glow to it. Stella rolls over and deepens herself into the blankets and pillows, she tries to go back to sleep but fails so she grabs her phone from where it's charging on the bedside table.

When she finally gets up its around 12:30, Stella goes into the bathroom and cleans her face and goes for a piss and it's like a daily routine. She then goes down to the living room and puts the kettle on, her flat is kind of a mess since Stella hates cleaning and wont do it. There are old tea bags in old mugs, and beer bottles and other alcohol bottles scatterd around, along with take out containers and the dishes in the sink are piled high. There are also shopping bags everywhere with new desginer handbags and clothes and other things that Stella really shoudnt be buying. Along the window seals are paintings that Stella has painted or bought; they range from small to big and Stella really wants to hang them up but hasnt gotten around to it yet.

While Stella fixes her tea she gets the water can and fills it with water, she then takes her warm tea in one hand and the can in the other and begins to water her plants and flowers that are all over the flat. Some are hanging from the ceiling and some are on this shelf that Stella has. There are also many flower pots in her kitchen and on her balcony and Stella waters them everyday, it's like these plants are her family almost. They keep growing and growing and after every breakdown that Stella has or the nights that she gets to drunk and passes out on the couch and wakes up in the morning the plants are still there. Waiting to be waterd and talked to and Stella odly finds that comforting.

After Stella waters her plants and sits on her couch with her tea, she turns on the dvd player and the tv and it begins to play sleeping beauty. Stella watches it every morning and she knows all of the songs and all of the lines and it really is Stella's favorite movie.

 _This is my life now_ Stella will think at times. It's been a month since she's left London and she's been trying to get better. Sure there are days where everything is absolute shit and Stella just wants to perish, but then there are good days where Zayn will factime Stella and they will talk and laugh. And it's like Stella doesnt feel anything, she doesnt feel happy or sad she just feels.. numb. Like she's just a person existing, nothing wonderful to offer the world and nothing to do with her life but exist.

But there was one day that she thought she could go back to work so she woke up at 8am and called Kelly to tell her it was time. And everything seemed back to normal that day, Kelly came around with a iced coffe and donut and she told Stella's schedule for the day like she usually did. And Stella felt good, she felt like finally _finally_ everything was back to normal. But then Stella went into her office and some one else was sitting in her desk, on her computer and that person had taken down the things that Stella had put on the walls and put curtains over the windows and everything just felt _wrong_.

So Stella was suddenly very angry with this women who looked at Stella like she was a fucking ape. But Stella marched right into the office and acted like a fucking ape, she shouted and cursed at the women and Stella was just _so angry and hurt._ Eventually the women called security and they came in and forcefully removed her from the office. Deena came out and she told Stella that she should take a break from work right now, that she should calm herself down and come back when she feels stable enough to be near people. Stella glared at Deena and spat a _'fuck you'_ and ripped herself away from the securitys grip, she pulled her bag back up to her shoulder and walked back to the elevator with the small amount of dignity she had left.

But it's been 2 weeks since then and Stella just continues to drink tea, buy more plants and watch sleeping beauty. And Stella is content with this life, where she's safe from this cruel place that they call earth. Where she can just be alone and no one is around to hurt her or look down at her.

-

The day conitnues on and Stella has gone to the small room that's sopposed to be a office but Stella has turned it into her library even though there's one shelf full of books. But Stella likes it because of the windows and view, the view is a roof top garden and Stella always like to sit and watch the old chinease lady watering her plants and planting new ones. But today Stella is painting, she's put this cloth down on the floor that has paint splatterd all over it, she's set up her tall canvas holder and her canvas board. Stella has bottles of paint on the floor next to her and she's running her brush along the canvas and she's trying to paint the ocean. She's always trying to paint the ocean, always trying to understand the colors and waves of it. Thats when Stella hears the door open then close and she already know's that it's Kelly. She always comes once a day or calls to check on Stella and Stella is greatful for it, greatful for Kelly.

'Stella!?' she hears Kelly calls

'In here!' Stella calls back, Kelly soon comes in and she isnt in her proffesional attire that's she's usually in. Today she's wearing shorts and a white t-shirt and it's weird

'Hi' Kelly says and she's looking around the room

'Hi, I really like the outfit' Stella says smiling

'Oh yeah, thought I'd change it up a bit, but today were cleaning' Kelly says and Stella almost chokes on her tea

'What?' she says regaining her breath

'Today were cleaning out everything, your apartment is a mess-'

'I like the way my apartment is' Stella cuts in hating the idea already

'Stella, you have so much trash and stuff all over the place' Kelly says 'You have boxes and boxes of stuff' Kelly says lightly kicking on of the many boxes in the library

'I dont want to make my bubble unsafe' Stella mumbles

'Oh Stella, dont worry. We wont throw much away, just organize.' Kelly says reassuring and maybe it is time to start cleaning and to start looking through the many many things that Stella has brought from London. And it's like all of these boxes and things are her life, everything in this flat is her life its all she has.

'Okay, but no throwing away anything unless I say it's alright' Stella says trying to be as stern as possible 'Now can you make me some food while I finish this painting?' she asks turning back to her brush strokes. Kelly leaves the room then and Stella tries not to let her hands shake at the thought of change and her safe world being unsafe.

-

The first thing they did was clean up all the trash and wash all of Stella's laundry and sheets. They had plastic bags full of everything Stella had been to lazy or sad to throw away. After all of the picking up and washing Stella began to vacume and sweep and clean the windows while Kelly cleans all of the dishes and mops the floors. It's a ton of work and Stella _hates_ cleaning and she usually got out of it when she was younger and Bethany ususally did all of the cleaning in there flat. But Stella did it anyway, she's learned that you have to do things for yourself, and this cleaning and trying to organize everything was for Stella. And it wasnt really that bad, it kept her mind off of things and it gave Stella an excuse to listen to all of these tapes that she had in a box in the the library/painting room.

When all of the cleaning was finally done, even Stella's bedroom was nice and neat, every item of clothing she owned was hung up or folded and put away. All 36 pairs of shoes she owned were neatly put in rows. All of her paints were put on a shelf that they took out of Stella's room that wasnt really being used and they put all of the paints and brushes and anything she's used to paint on the shelf. Everything in her flat was nice and neat and just everything was so clean. It was a bit overwhelming but Stella was ready for everything to be the way it was before.

The only thing left for them to do was look through all of Stella's boxes that she never has opend and really doesnt want to. Inside the boxes were the things that she's brought from her home to University ages ago, it's everything she's bought or kept since she left home. It's going to be alot to look through since Stella never really throws away anything, she'll keep a freaking coupon for paper towels if there was a great story or memory behind it.

So when Kelly and Stella drag all of the boxes to the living room after the pizza has been deliverd they begin to look through everything.

The first box Stella opens is a box full of books that she didnt even know she had, but then when she looks at the side of the box in neat handwriting that can only be defined as Harrys is written _'Bethany'._

'All of these books are Bethany's' Stella says pulling them out by the handful

'Now you can read all of them and put them on the book shelf' Kelly says looking through some papers, Stella nods and puts the books back in the box and writes _'keep'_ at the top.

That's how Stella and Kelly spend there evening, looking through boxes and Stella almost has several mental breakdowns remembering all of the memories that she wish so badly would come back. It's a nostaligic sad feeling that will never leave Stella.

-

By the time Kelly and Stella have finished looking through everything it's late. Kelly is putting on her coat and telling Stella not to forget about the dishes in the dishwasher, saying she needs to unload it. But mid-sentance the door bell rings. Stella wasnt exspecting someone, never really exspects anyone, all of her 'friends' know she's back from the UK because of the whole office incident but she doesnt really talk to any of them. Not anymore.

Kelly answers the door and there's Cody standing there in a leather jacket holding a ciggarette between his fingers.

'Hi' he says flicking the fag away, he gives Kelly a hug before stepping into Stella's flat. Kelly leaves and then there alone.

Its been a bit weird since they got back from London, it's awkward since Cody really knows that Stella is really fucked up. But it makes Stella's heart swell a bit because despite the fact that Cody knows all about Stella and her issues he still comes around.

'Hi' Cody says again quietly walking to Stella, he wraps his arms around her small frame

'Hi' Stella whispers back and gives into his hug

'You've cleaned' Cody says looking around the flat and Stella feels a weird sort of pride that someone has noticed that her flat is not the same

'Yeah, Kelly and I did it all today' Stella says blushing a bit

'It looks good' he says letting go of Stella's hips and going to sit on the couch. He's staring at Stella, and she doesnt know what to do with herself, she fiddles with the end of the sleeves of her sweater. Stella feels a bit self conscious as well, her hair is sitting atop her head in a messy bun and she's wearing just a old sweater and some spandex shorts.

'So um, what did you want?' Stella asks not meeting his eye, and it's weird because before Stella was this outgoing, open minded, I-speak-my-mind-and-I-dont-give-a-fuck-what-you-think type girl. But now she's all shy and quiet and it's different.

Cody gets up from the couch then, he walks over to Stella and brings his hands up to her cheeks and careses them. Soon his lips are touching Stella's in a slow kiss, she can taste the alcohol on his tounge. He pulls away and Stella's cheeks heat up at the sweet kiss, Cody leans in again but this time he's rougher. He kisses Stella with urgency this time, like he's trying to tell her something. But Stella doesnt want it. He starts to kiss down Stella's neck; sucking bruises into her skin and she doesnt want it.

'No' Stella says quietly, Cody just hums against her neck and continues to kiss her neck, he pulls at the end of her sweater but Stella pushes his hands away 'I said no' Stella says louder pushing herself away and moving all the way across the room

'Come on babe' Cody says lowly and anger and fear boils in Stella's veins

'I dont want to have sex with you Cody!' Stella says louder gaining more and more confidence

'Why not? If this is what happend back in England-'

'No, it's not about that. I just- I dont want to have sex with you. I- I'm not ready' Stella says trying to keep her voice steady

'Your not ready? Babe, we've fucked so many times before, whats wrong?'

'I just dont want to okay? I dont need sex i need a friend' Stella says and she means it, she doesnt want all of her relationships based on one thing. She wants friendship she wants love and support. Cody laughs at that and Stella feels her eyes welling with tears

'Oh Stella come off it! What happend to the Stella I knew? You've become such a prude' Cody laughs at Stella and tears start to fall down her cheeks and she's so sad and angry

'Get the fuck out' she says lowly trying to keep her hands from shaking 'Get the fuck out!' Stella shouts this time and Cody is still laughing while walking towards the door

'Are you crying? God Stella you are such a little bitch' he mocks while opening the door, Stella stomps to the door and is about to slam it closed, but she can still hear his mocking laughter and Stella fucking hates him. So she grabs a rock thats sitting in one of her flowerpots by the door, she throws it at Cody and it hits him in the middle of his back. He stumbles to the floor

'Laugh at that you fucking prick!' Stella shouts after him. She slams the door and locks it. But she doesnt feel good or happy that she threw that rock, she feels sad and hurt. Stella slides to the ground; her back against the door. She lets her cries be heard then.

 _I fucking hate him_ Stella thinks in her mind over and over again. She feels humiliated and hurt at the fact that Cody would do that to her. She thought that Cody was her friend, that he was there for her regardless of the situation. But she is wrong again.

Stella stands up from her crouched position on the floor and walks to the kitchen, she grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels and drinks it straight from the bottle. _This is what I get for cleaning my safe bubble._ Stella thinks as she takes another drink.

 


	14. fourteen

A few days later, Stella is stumbling into her flat; her arms full of shopping bags. She knows she shouldnt be spending so much money but she's got so much of it. She sends her photo's to people who will use them for there magazines or posters, or they might send Stella a email stating that they want some of her work, or might want Stella for a photoshoot. She has jobs that she does outside of the company she mainly works at.

And sometimes Stella feels like she wants a new wardrobe, feels like she wants to be someone else. So today she's went out and bought dresses with flowers on them, and shorts and white flowly t-shirts and its mainly summer wear because it does get hot in New York. And maybe Stella wants to travel this summer, she wants to go to Greece and Italy to learn how to make noodles from scratch. Stella has alot of time to think at home and she's written everything down in a journal she found in one of the boxes.

-

That evening at around 9 Stella gets a call. The number is unknown but she answers it anyway.

'Hello?' she says, Stella is currently sitting on her balcony watching the lights of New York with a ciggarrete and one of Bethanys books that she's currently reading.

 _'Is this Stella?'_ a familar voice asks and Stella sits up in her seat

'Yes'

 _'It's me Niall!'_ the voice that is now Niall shouts and Stella gets up from her seat and her smile is so wide

'Oh my god, Niall!' she says excitedly

'Stella! I'm in New York right now and I need a place to crash for the weekend, mind if I stay at yours?'

'No, no please come over' Stella says excitement washed in her voice, she rattles her adress off to Niall 'What are you doing in New York?'

'Erm I have some buisness to do out here'

'Buisness? You work at the football stadium'

I'll explain when I get there. Be there in an hour'

'Alright see you then!' Stella says excitedly. She hangs up and puts out her cigarette in the ash tray on the small table she has on her balcony. She goes back into her flat and begins to clean the little mess in the living room. She throws the pizza box that she had for lunch away and puts the tea cups in the dishwasher, she puts all of the bags, boxes, and clothes from her earlier shopping spree into her room. Stella then goes into the guest bedroom that's right across from her bedroom and puts new sheets and pillow cases and she's rushing around filled with so much energy.

Because Niall, _Niall_ of all people is coming to stay with her. She's so excited to have a friend from home visit, someone she's known since she was a teenager. When she's done Stella goes back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator and panick begins to rise in her when she see's that it's almost empty. There's a pack of bacon, beer, rotting fruit and some yogurt.

 _'Shit'_ Stella mutters to herself, she runs to her room and shoves her feet into her vans. She grabs some shorts and pulls them over the tights she was just wearing around the house, she puts a sweater and yanks it over her head before running out of her room; grabbing her phone, wallet and keys on the way out.

By the time she's out on the side walk she has to steady herself. There's people filling the sidewalk walking to where ever there going probably to a night club or bar since it is Friday night. She begins to walk towards the small market that's just right around the corner, it is small but it sells the essentials. She gets a hand basket and begins to fill it with snacks and microwave pizzas, cereal, eggs, bread and milk. She also gets more alcohal, some detergent and toothpaste. Stella's buzzing by the time the checkout clerk starts to ring up all of her stuff. She's so excited to have Niall over for the weekend because she's missed him.

When she finally leaves the market two big paper bags filled with food in her hands her phone rings. It's the same unknown number and Stella has to set one of her bags down to get her phone from her back pocket.

'Hello?' she answers, picking up the bag and continuing to walk back to her flat holding the phone between her neck and shoulder.

'It's Niall again, um I'm at the lobby of your building'

'Oh okay ask the front desk for a key card. I'll call them and tell them it's alright'

'Are you not home?'

'No I had to go to the market really fast, but i'll be there in ten'

They hang up then and Stella calls the front desk and tells them it's okay to give Niall a key. When Stella gets back to her building, the doorman stops her on the way in

'There was a man here asking for you, Niall his name was. Do you know him?' Charles asks and Stella grins

'Yes, thank you for looking after me' Stella says grinning and Charles just smiles warmly and tips his hat.

Stella goes up the elavator and she's just so excited for Niall to be here, she cant wait to show him her favorite night club and bars and resturantes. When Stella opens the door to her flat she see's Niall in the living room, he's sitting on the couch typing something on his phone. He looks up and his smile is so big and Stella almost drops her groceries

'Stella!' He says running up to her, Stella drops her groceries on the table right by the door just in time for Niall to jump on her and wrap his legs around her small frame. Stella hugs him back and she's laughing

'Hi, Niall. I guess you missed me?'

'I did, London is shit without you' he mumbles into her hair

Stella laughs 'Well New York is shit without you' she says and Niall laughs getting off of her. Niall gets one bag of grocieries and Stella gets the other, they take them to the kitchen and Niall is already talking a mile an hour about his flight and how the cabbie guy doesnt speak very good english. Stella laughs at the weird impression of him while unpacking everything.

But she looks up just for a second and her blood freezes, she see's the most familar person who know's Stella more than she know's herself. Stella can see him standing in the door way of the kitchen and-

'Stella' Harry. The way he still says her name the same after all of these years gives her chills.

Stella doesnt know what to do, she cant rip her gaze from his eyes and it hurts. All she knows right now is pain and anxiety. He looks horribly tired and young, but his eyes are so fucking bright. He's adoring a gray jumper and dark wash skinny jeans with his stupid boots that Stella has grown to love. His hair is pulled back into a beanie and his cheeks are still a bit red from the cold, Stella is so lost for this boy even after all of these years.

She hears Niall clear his throat and it's a weird tension filled awkward silence. Stella looks at Niall then and she almost wants to laugh but really wants to cry as she searches Niall's blue eyes for answers. She's hurt and scared and _this is my only safe place that isnt filled with you dammit._ Stella's mind is screaming at her to get out, to run.

'Harry' she ends up saying flatly and it her heart aches at seeing him here in New York in her flat. With her plants and paintings. She's fucked. 'Um what are you doing here?' she asks and it's such a stupid question but he breaks there gaze and looks down at his boots scuffing them against the polished wooden floors.

'Um, I came with Niall' he says after a moment 'See I wanted to see you, we- I need to talk to you. But I couldnt just _come,_ so Niall lied for me I guess.'

Stella turns to Niall then and he's got a sheepish look on his face.

'I- um need to pee' Stella mumbles, she walks out of the kitchen and her hands are shaking so bad. She goes into the bathroom and locks the door. She leans her head against the door, and she takes deep breathes.

 _'Fuck'_ she mumbles, she turns to the mirror then. She stares at her reflection, her face is bear and her hair is a mess per usual. She turns on the faucet and puts the water on cold before running it over her wrist's. It relaxes her a bit and she can hear Niall and Harry talking quietly in the living room.

'Come on Stella. You can do it, be strong. Relax and breath' Stella tells herself in the mirror before leaving the bathroom.

When she walks back into the living room Harry is putting his bag over his shoulder, he freezes when he see's Stella.

'Where are you going?' she asks calmy

'I think, I should get a hotel. This is really- sudden' he says not meeting her eyes

'No- I mean it's okay.'

'No it's fine-'

'I insist, the hotels here are exspensive and I have room, please' Stella pleads and Harry sighs nodding.

'Right, um you have alcohol?' Niall asks breaking the awkward silence

'Is that even a question? Dont you know who I am?' Stella asks thankful for Niall giving her something to do. Niall follows Stella into the kitchen, Stella opens the fridge and starts to name what she has

'Just a heinikin, yeah?' Niall says not even paying attention to Stella, to focused on some game on his phone. Stella opens two and puts one infront of Niall. She then leaves the kitchen leaving Niall to search the fridge and cupboards for anything to eat. She finds Harry looking at all of the paintings Stella has collected and made. Some have been hung up and otheres are sitting on the floor, she must have at least 30 paintings.

'Um, here' Stella says handing Harry the beer and standing next to him.

'Thank you.' he says taking the beer, Stella doesnt look at him but she can feel his staring 'did you paint all of these?'

'Not all of them, bought a few' she says pulling some hair out of her face

'There all so beautiful' he mumbles and Stella blushes, her heart swelling

'Stella! How do you turn on this bloody tv?' She hears Niall shout. Stella goes to wear he's sitting with two remotes in his hand.

'Like this you wanker' Stella says taking the remotes from him while he sits, _Friends_ is on and the three of them sit on Stella's couch and watch.

Niall and Stella talk on and off during the show like they used to do when Stella was living in London. Niall asks about all of her plants and complemants on how nice her flat is and Stella answers his questions and thanks him with pride.

Because this is her home, all of the things that sit in her flat mean more to her than anything.

-

At around midnight Stella is half alseep. She's laying down; her head is next to Nialls thighs and she's pretty sure Niall is alseep, his hand his resting against her head, he was playing with her hair before he knocked out. She sits up and she's right, his mouth is open in a small snore she yawns and looks to Harry who is dozing himself, he's laying on the other side of the long couch his beanie on the floor and his curls fanning the pillow.

'Niall, Niall time for sleep' she says pushing his shoulder back and fourth to tired for this shit

'Okay, okay i'll be there in a sec' he says lowly rubbing his eyes, he gets up and Stella hears him go into the bathroom.

'Are you and Niall just going to crash together?' Stella asks and Harry sits up and rubs his eyes, he's always been so beautiful when he's sleepy. He nods and Stella gets up and motions for him to follow, she stretches when she gets up and grabs Nialls bag sitting by the door.

It's incredibly heavy and she can barely manage 'Christ, how much shit does Niall need?' Stella mumbles and she can hear Harry chuckle behind her. Stella leads them to the guest bedroom and she turns on the lights, it's a bit smaller than Stella's bedroom but it has a bathroom and a walk in closet attached to it. Stella drops Nialls bag by the closet and she passes Harry to get to the hall closet and grabs an extra blanket

'Here, I know you like to steal all of the blankets so this is for Niall' she doesnt even know she's said it until it comes out. She didnt want to say it but it just spilled out. But Harry just chuckles. 'Well, goodnight.' she says turning to leave but Harry grabs her wrist and pulls her to his chest.

He wraps her in a tight hug and Stella allows herself to hug him back. She holds the back of his jumper in tight fist and buries her face into his shoulder. He smells the same; like cologne and soap. She almost cries.

She pulls away before she looses it, she doesnt meet his eyes. Just turns and leaves. On the way back down to the kitchen she finds Niall back in the living room grabbing his shoes and jacket. Stella goes up to him and pulls his hair.

'What the hell' he says turning around to face her, Stella tries to act angry with him but it's only half heartdly

'Niall, what the fuck!' she whisper shouts at him

'What?' he says a scowel on his face

'How could you bring him here? Your gonna give me a heart attack one of these days' she says a smile tugging on her lips

Niall laughs and just pinches her cheeks 'Your gonna thank me one of these days for bringing him here, you just wait'

Stella rolls her eyes and smiles at him 'You know even though your a wanker I still missed you' and that makes Niall grin so wide. Stella hugs him one more time 'Now get to bed Horan'

'Right away mum' Niall says giving her a salute, Stella just rolls her eyes and gives him the finger before leaving into the kitchen. Niall laughs and goes to his room.

When Stella goes into her room for the night she just sits at the end of her bed.

Her hands arent shaking anymore and she just wants to lay with Harry and sleep. She wants his arms wrapped around her and his scent the only thing she'll remember, but it's like there so close but so far away. They have years of silence between them, a whole ocean basically.

 


	15. fifteen

The next morning Stella awakes to a loud clatter and curse words to follow. She has a moment of panic but then remembers that Harry and Niall are staying in her flat for the weekend. Harry. In her flat, staying in Stella's safe bubble, sleeping in her guest room. Stella rolls over and puts her face in her pillows, w _hy did I let him stay?_ Stella thinks to herself.

After five minutes of listening to Niall and Harry's loud laughter and talking Stella decides to get up. She goes about her daily routine of washing up and changing since she really cant go out in just her bra and underwear. She's made that mistake once with Harry and she will never do it again, Stella slips on a pair of ratty old high waisted shorts and a simple black t-shirt that has some band that Stella liked in High school. She leaves her hair down even though it's a bit stringy and messy from her overnight bun but Stella decides she doesnt care. She leaves her room and goes down into the hall that leads into the kitchen, Harry is at the stove shirtless; wearing just sweats that are a bit low- lord have mercy. There's music playing softly in the background that Stella reconizes at Ed Sheeran and Niall is sitting at the table eating pancakes and reading some world book that Stella puts next to the cookbooks on the counter and he's dressed in work out clothes.

She sits at the table across from Niall still a bit groggy but he looks very cheerful and Harry still hasnt noticed her but he's singing along to the song playing on the radio.

'Mornin!' Niall says looking up cheerfully at her

'It's to early to be loud, Niall!' she says trying to be stern and yes Stella usually doesnt get up at 10. Harry comes over to the table and sets down a stack of pancakes in the middle of the table. Niall forks one and sets it on his plate still reading the earth book, Harry's tattoos are in Stella's face now and she notices that he's added some leave type things to his hips.

'I didnt even know I owned pancake mix' Stella says to Harry while putting a pancake on her plate

'It was way back in the pantry, almost lost me life trying to get it' Niall says and Stella laughs

'Oh stop complaing Niall, it was worth it im sure' Harry says smiling at him

'Yeah I guess so' he mumbles over a mouth full of pancake. Harry laughs and returns with a cup of tea for Stella and she smiles up at him and she kind of hates herself because her heart is swelling with fond and she's sopposed to _hate him goddammit_

But it's hard when he's all dimples and tattoos but he's broken Stella in ways that no one else has and she wants to scream and punch at him but at the same time she wants to lay with him and trace all the words she wants to say against his skin.

Harry sits across from Stella and starts to eat his own pancakes

'Where are you going anyway Niall?' she asks and Niall finally gets his head out of the book and closes it

'I'm going to play tennis and did you know that 95% of the ocean is unexplored?'

'Oh god really? Thats amazing and scary at the same time' Harry says generally interested in Nialls new knowledge and Stella tries really hard not to be so fucking endeared by him

'Tennis? Since when do you play tennis?'

'Since last week, now I gotta run. I'll be back soon, thanks for the pancakes Haz' Niall says ruffling Harry's bed head but just making it more wild. Nialls gone before Stella can even reply and she wants to run after him and say _no dont leave me with him, i'm terrified._

It's silent after that and Stella doesnt know what to say and it's never been like this, never really been awkward. They've always had great conversation and laughs over the years and suddenly that all went to shit.

'So, this flat you have; its quite nice' Harry says looking around the kitchen 'You've finally got the big windows you've always wanted' Harry says smiling at his plate and Stella looks at him. She really looks at him and thats the thing that sets her off, how the fuck did he remember that she's wanted big windows in her future home? She remembers only mentioning it once to him and it was the night he first tried to smoke weed. But that was ages ago and she doesnt know how he's rememerd such a small deatail about her and it hurts, this cant happen she wont let herself fall down the well again.

Instead of answering Stella gets up from the table and gets the watering can from under the sink, she fills it with water and leaves the kitchen swiftly. While she's watering her plants by the big windows she hears Harry's chair scrape against the floor then his footsteps coming to the living room. Stella can feel his stare burning a hole in the back of her head

'Did i do something?' Harry says after a moment of silence and Stella chuckles dryly. _Yes you fucking drowned me_ 'Look Stella I dont want us-'

'Why are you here? Why did you come? For what? To make me fucking pancakes and completement my flat? What do you want?' Stella snaps at him, she turns to look at him and she see's hurt fill his eyes but Stella doesnt care, she thrives off the pain he feels. She continues to water her plants and she knows that Harry is at a loss of words from her sudden outburst

'I came here to talk, I want to talk about what happend to us'

'There is nothing to talk about' Stella says dryly still not facing him

'yes there is! You and I; we were so great together, weather we were friends or lovers and you know it' Harry pleads and Stella feels her heart beat faster

'We were so young Harry, I was so naive and stupid when we met. I loved you, hell I still love you but us- you and me we could never work' Stella sadly says while putting down her watering can and staring out at the window, she so desperatly doesnt want to have this conversation

'But why!? We always had a great time together, we were so in love and I know that when Bethany died we had a hard time but-'

'A hard time? You completly left me alone! We had more bad times than good Harry! You have no idea how alone I felt, it was so fucking shit for me' Stella turns to look at him finally only to stare daggers at him

'It was shit for me to you know! You left without warning or even talking to me, I was left alone as well with just a note-'

'Dont you fucking dare pin this on me. You know why I left, you were off partying and drinking while I was at home waiting for you, wondering if you ever were going to come back' Stella says spitting her words like bullets

Harry doesnt respond just stares at the hardwood floor looking guilty and Stella fucking hates him 'And you know what the worst part of it all was? I didnt know if you were going to come back, I spent my days sitting on the couch wondering what I did wrong.' Stella mumbles softly her eyes welling up with tears 'But you know what I realized the day I left? That I let you become my happiness and that's where I went wrong. I kept waiting and waiting like the whipped bitch I was, and I hated myself for it, until one day I had enough. I packed my shit and left because what did I have to loose? Nothing, you were all I had and you didnt want me'

'Stella, no if we just try again, just listen to me-'

'No you fucking listen to me' Stella hisses felling like she's on fire 'you filled me with complete bullshit on how you loved me and I believed you! I fucking believed you like a idiot and I regret that the most, I always thought we were going to finally work out after all of the shit that happend between us. You stitched me together just to rip me apart, and then you have the nerve to come here and ask me to _try again?_ You disgust me' Stella is so furious, she pulls her hair out of her face and pulls on her fingers trying to control herself

'You know what your fucking problem is? You cant live with the idea that somone might leave. I fucked up Stella and I know that, everyone fucks up and you need to get that through your head. You cant just run away everytime something happens that isnt good, like coming to New York would fix what ever is happening in your life. Like painting and buying plants and pretending like your past isnt real will make you better? Like never speaking a word of Bethany or even hanging up a single fucking picture of her will make her death even more unreal?' Harry shouts back his face red 'Dont try to put everything on me when you've fucked up just as much'

'God- _fuck you!_ How could you say that? Dont you fucking dare tell me i'm not trying, I swam through 12 oceans and I drowned in every single one of them you prick! I'm trying to get over my past but for you to just come in here and tell _me_ \- fuck you!' Stella yells back god she wants to throw something at him

'No _fuck you_! You left everyone back home, you fuck everything up and then blame whoever is near by! Amber is at home living in the biggest fucking guilt pit and you dont even care! All you care is about yourself!'

'You dont even know what that whole thing is about, Harry! You have no idea where I'm coming from because your dad is alive, your dad calls you every fucking weekend. Your mum cares about you, your family isnt fucking split in half, so dont you put your stupid fucking opinon in other peoples buisness!' Stella has hot angry tears streaming down her face and she see's Harry's eyes flicker in sadness for a second 'We're fucked up Harry, okay. The butterflies you once gave me are now dead and all that's left is a empty pit in my stomach that makes me wish I never fucking met you' Stella says harshly and she means every single word of it

Stella goes back to the window and her hand is itching for something, like a ciggarette maybe. She can see the old chinease women looking at her through the window with concern etched on her face. She probably heard all of the screaming from the balcony door's that are open wide to keep the air circulation going, she cant breath when Harry's near by.

'I think you should go' Stella says finaly and quiet after a minute of silence.

Harry shakes his head no and walks toward Stella, she doesnt look at him as he grabs her wrist. 'I'm not leaving without you this time. Even if this takes weeks or months I dont care, I didnt come after you once and I'm not going to do it again'

Stella doesnt say anything, she just rips her arm away from his grasp and practically runs to her room slamming the door behind her.

Because after all that screaming and yelling and hatred being thrown at each other Harry never fails to make Stella's heart swell and cheeks heat. And that's fucking terrifiying.

-

Stella has delt with alot of shit in her life, and she does agree with Harry she doesnt handle it well. So when Stella went into her room and slammed the door and locked it she almost ripped her hair out she was so angry and frustraited. How could he say that? Stella couldnt stop thinking about what he had said _Like never speaking a word of Bethany or even hanging up a single fucking picture of her will make her death even more unreal?_

That pissed Stella off even more, she cared more about Bethany than anyone else even though she didnt have a single picture that was hung up. So she paced for awhile with angry tears spilling out of her eyes until Stella went into her closet and ripped opend the box that was labled _'pictures',_ Inside were many pictures of Stella and Bethany from when they were starting there first day of high school to the day they left Manchester together to there years in London.

-

Hours pass and by the time Stella is done looking through the photo's for a second time shes got tears staining her cheeks with a drink in her hand and a cigeratte between her fingers. She already picked out the photo's she wanted to hang and where she wanted to hang them, and by the time Stella got them all into frames and had her hammer and nails ready it was already well into the afternoon.

Stella leaves her room and starts to hammer the nails in the wall so the picture can hang off of it. A loud banging sound fills through the silent flat everytime she puts the hammer to the nail and Stella wonders if Harry is even here still. She was proved wrong again because by the time she has hung up her third picture there is Harry leaning against the wall at the end of the hall with a smirk on his face. He has a cigarrete between his fingers and Stella is really about to curse at him because smoking around her plants isnt good for them when-

'I was out on the balcony, so your plants are fine'

fuck.

　


	16. sixteen

By the time Niall comes home that same night there are photo's of Stella, Bethany and all of there friends hanging in different places in her flat. It's already late into the evening when he arrives with a bag slung over his shoulder and a pizza box in one hand and a case of beer in the other.

After Stella hung up her pictures she really didnt know what to do next. So she opend up her balcony doors and sat at the table and chairs surrounded by her plants and the boy she loves and hates across from her. They dont speak one word to each other, they just pass back and fourth a blunt that Stella has been saving since last week for a special occasion.

I guess when your ex-boyfriend who ripped you into pieces staying in your flat and isnt going to leave until all problems are solved is a special occasion. Stella chuckles at the thought and Harry whips his head over to her, it's the first sound she's made in 2 hours. But right when Harry is about to say something Niall come's bursting into the flat loudly announcing he's back. Stella puts the blunt into the ash tray and gets up to greet Niall

'It's about time you've come home! I have been stuck here all day with-' she stops herself and turns to look at Harry who's standing in the door way of the balcony doors with his arms crossed and a pout on his face

'Well maybe this pizza and beer will make up for it, also i have made plans for us tonight' Niall says setting the pizza down on the coffee table and taking a slice.

'What kind of plans?' Stella asks with here eyes narrowed

'I got us into a club, the que is super long but I managed to get us through' Niall shruggs looking proud of himself

'And how did you manage to do that?' Harry asks taking a slice for himself

'Well you know the guy I played tennis with today? He's the club owners son, he invited me out so were going' Niall says cheerfully but Stella must have a look of disgust on her face because Niall adds quickly 'and your going Stella, I dont give a fuck if you break your leg. I know you havent been out in 2 months'

Stella cheeks heat but shes at the loss of words on how accurate Nialls words are. She hasnt been out clubbing or to a party or even a bar in ages, she just hasnt been getting out of bed thats all.

'Fuck off' Stella ends up mumbling before chewing on a slice of pizza and sitting on the couch with a pout

'Right, we leave at 9, so that leaves Stella more than enough time to get pretty' Niall claps like he's the leader or something

'Heyy, I'm already pretty you jerk. What about Harry? He has to get pretty also' Stella says ruffling his curls and he scowls

'Harry has been pretty since the day he was born' Niall laughs and Harry climbs over Stella making some of her pizza get in his hair as he slaps a kiss to Nialls cheek laughing loudly

'Oi! Get off of me you wanker' Stella shouts laughing as well and she doesnt mean to be so playful and well.. kind to him it's just natural with the three of them.

After they finish there pizza and Niall stops shouting about his day Stella announces she's going to take a shower and get ready. Back when Stella was 18 and in Uni and would go out frequantly without a care in the world her 'getting ready for a night out' was a process. She would blast her trap music and curl her hair, and tonight was no differant.

After her shower she put on a t-shirt and some spandex shorts; her hair still dripping wet and unbrushed. She leaves her room and goes into the kitchen to get some pre-party drinks, she finds Niall drinking a beer and playing on his phone instead.

'Your going like _that?_ ' he asks with a disgusted look on his face, Stella scowls at him while getting her vodka and coke

'No you wanker, I'm not done getting ready yet' she says listening to the quiet 'where's Harry?'

'In the shower' Niall says staring at her hard 'what did you guys get up to while I was gone anyway?'

'Oh nothing, we just chilled' Stella shruggs trying to seem like they didnt screamed and yell at each other

'Did you? I noticed all the photo's whats that all about?' he asked nodding towards the framed photo of Stella, Zayn and Bethany when they went to the beach sitting on the kitchen counter next to the toaster

'What I cant have photo's?'

'No, no. It's just Harry must have said something to make you put them up' Niall shruggs

'Well I mean-' Stella stops and tries to choose her words carefully 'We had a strong discussion while you were gone, that's all'

'A strong discussion?' Niall cocks his eye brow at her

'Yes, Niall. Now if you will excuse me' She takes her drink and leaves the kitchen trying to breath again.

Once she makes it back to her room she shuts the door and begins to go about getting ready. She puts on a sheer see through top that straps around her neck, the back is cut very low and the only thing covering her boobs is her strapless black bra that makes her tits look very wonderful. She pulls on leather high waisted shorts with sheer tights to go under and decides to put her shoes on last since there these very high black stilletos. She begins to make her hair more big and curlier making it frame her face beautifully. Her make up is dark around her eyes and light around her lips. Once she finally is ready she leaves her room with her clutch in one hand and her shoes in the other.

Niall and Harry are sitting at the couch already ready waiting for her and she notices Harry face change color and Nialls mouth drop open.

'Your going like _that?_ ' he says again trying to stiffle a laugh and she rolls his eyes at him 'fuck off' She leaves to the kitchen and she instantly feels Harry follow right behind her

'Stella um- dont you think thats a bit to um-'

'A bit to what? And why do you care again?' She snaps and turns to look at him

'I- um-'

'Exactly' she sneers and goes back to the kitchen pouring herself another drink, she doesnt mean to be so rude but shes a bit anxious since Stella hasnt been out in the party scene in a while.

'Right well lets go! Cabs outside' Niall calls opening the door and Stella downs her drink then follows him putting her drink on the counter while passing Harry with a glare. She quickly slips on her heels by the door and has to hold Nialls arm while walking to the elevator and to the cab outside.

'Are you sure your going to be able to make it all night with those?' Niall asks once Stella is squished between them both

'Oh, yeah I'll be fine, I just need to get used to them' she mumbles. The cab ride over is mostly silent and Stella can feel how tense Harry is next to her and she hates herself for kind of ruining his mood with her snarky attitude. So she lets her thigh and knee lean against his and he looks over to her but she doesnt look at him, she just lays her head on his shoulder and she feels him relax.

'Guys i'm sorry for being such a bitch' Stella says after a minute, Niall snaps his head over to her with a look of confusion

'Aw Stella, that's why we love you. Because if your not a bitch then who's gonna be?' Niall says softly putting his hand on her shoulder and Stella laughs and gives him the finger

'Yeah, that's why we love you' Harry whispers against her ear and she shivers, arousinal pools at her stomach and this cant be happening. Lets just say that Stella hasnt gotten any action in a bit, one; because Cody who fulfilled her needs is out of the picture and two; most days she feels to shitty to actually go out and mingle.

Stella's phone rings before she can think about it any further and Stella gets her phone out of her clutch giving her a excuse to stop leaning on Harry.

'Hello' Stella says, she can feel Harry's stare

'Hi Stella, it's Kelly'

'Hi, what's up?' Stella smiles at her voice

'Um well I brought over dinner because I have some things to tell you, and you are not here. Also are you aware that there are bags and clothes in your guest room?' Kelly asks and she's geniuly confused which makes Stella laugh

'Yes I am aware, do you remember my friends Niall and Harry? Well they are staying for er- a little while. I'll explain later' Stella says awkwardly 'so um what did you have to tell me?'

'I think it would be best if I told you in person when are you gonna be home?'

'I dont know, where probably going to be late maybe about one ish- oh just tell me!' Stella says excitedly

'Okay, well um, I- I'm pregnant!' Kelly screams excitedly over the phone and oh well

'oh' Is all Stella can muster at that second

'Kevin and I have been trying for a baby for awhile now and It finally happend!' Kelly says in excitement, Stella doesnt respond right away, she just looks down at her lap and tries not to feel the saddness creep into her voice 'Stella? You there?'

'Yeah, sorry. Wow i'm so happy for you' she says trying to sound excited, and she's happy for Kelly she really is it's just that while she's off having kids and being happy with her husband Stella cries into her pillow at night and paints the same thing over again

'Are you okay? I didnt- oh Stella I'm sorry. I know this is a rough time I didnt mean to-'

'No, no Kelly stop. I'm fine, I'm happy for you I really am. I'll see you tommrow okay? We can proper chat then' Stella says trying to not let her voice crack

'Yeah, okay. Have a good night' Kelly says and Stella hangs up then and she hates herself for feeling like this.

'Hey you alright?' Harry asks and Stella's eyes start to well up with tears _god_ she hates herself

'Yeah, I'm fine' Stella mumbles trying to keep her eyes away from him because then she'll really loose it. She'll loose it because Harry is the one she was sopposed to start her life with, he was the one who Stella was sopposed to get married to. He was her forever.

'Who was that?' Niall asks

'My assistant' Stella mumbles and takes a deep breath 'she's just told me that's she's pregnant'

The car is quiet and Stella know's what there both thinking but they dont say anything. Before anything is actually said they pull up to the club and Stella just wants to tell the cabbie to turn around and take her home because she cant handle this. Not tonight.

But instead she sucks it up and tries to stop feeling sorry for herself, they all get out of the cab and there is a really long line going around the corner but Niall just walks right up to the bouncer and tells him that there on the list.

'Hey it's gonna be okay' Harry whispers against Stella's hair, he puts his hand around her waist and pulls her towards him a bit, it's a quiet jesture telling her that he's here; even though he's been gone he's here now and he's not going anywhere.

They walk into the club like that, with Harry's hand on the small of her back guiding her. Stella determens not to let this news bring her down, she hasnt been out properly in ages and she's with the two greatest people so she should enjoy herself.

So when they get to the bar Stella doesnt turn down the round of shots Niall offers to buy.

-

At 4:30 in the morning Stella is being dragged out of a club and being pulled into a cab. She's very drunk and very unaware of what is happening. One minute she's drinking and dancing then the next Harry is taking her hand and pulling her to the exit.

She leans her head against the cool window feeling her head swim, she hears Harry's deep rasp talk to the driver. Then she looks at him, she really looks at him and she misses him. She fucking misses him it hurts. Whenever she would get drunk Stella would always think of Harry, she would remember his eyes and the way his hands would hold her. Stella would cry, she would cry because she misses the past, misses him, misses Bethany, misses Amber. Misses the way things used to be.

Stella moves to where he's sitting on the other side, she snuggles up his side and she Stella feels like crying

'Hey' Harry says and she can just _feel_ his smile, he puts his arm around her and for once Stella isnt dreaming about being held by him again.

Stella falls asleep like that in the car wrapped up in Harry, until they get to her flat. She can barely walk into her building but Harry helps her most of the way.

Once safely inside her flat Harry pulls her to her bedroom, he turns the light on while Stella lays flat on her back in the middle of her big bed. She watches Harry with half closed eyes dig through her drawers, after a minute he comes back with a t-shirt and some spandex shorts that Stella never seems to be running out of.

He pulls her up and Stella whines 'Harrrrrry, noooo'

'Come on, once you change we can sleep' he says and he looks awfully sober. She stands up and kicks her heels off then pulls her sheer top of and slides down her shorts. Harry hands her the shorts and shirt and she pulls them on with her eyes closed, her once perfect makeup smudged around her eyes.

She then climbs into bed and Harry tucks her in. Once her head hits the pillow she's ready to fall asleep but her eyes suddenly open and she grabs Harry's wrist as he's walking away from the bed

'Stay' she mumbles 'please stay'

Harry stares at her for a second before nodding, he pulls off his shirt and trousers then goes digging for some sweats in Stella's drawers again. And by the time hes ready for bed Stella is already leaving this world and going into sleep world, but she definetly doesnt miss the way he slides in next to her. How he stays as far away from her on the bed so Stella rolls over so she's facing him, Harry gets even closer to her and puts his arm around her waist and intertwines there legs.

'I miss you' Stella mumbles and she starts to cry 'I miss you so much' she sobs quietly into his chest

'Hey, I'm here now okay? Never again will I leave you' he kisses her forehead and holds her tighter.

And this is what Stella has wanted for 4 years, to be held again. To feel loved again and for once it isnt a dream.

 


	17. seventeen

The next morning Stella wakes up with a spilliting headache, her head is throbbing and her stomach is churning. But then her eyes suddenly widen at the warmth and weight over her body, she turns her head and see's a head of messy curls tucked into the pillow.

'Fuck' Stella whispers because _nononono_ this is not what was sopposed to happen. After Stella left London her and Harry wernt ever sopposed to come together again they were never sopposed to be like _this._ She unwrapps herself from his arms and stumbles to the bathroom, the little clock on the bathroom counter says that it's only 1pm so the day isnt completly wasted just yet.

Stella stares at her reflection in the mirror; her eyes have black smeared around them and her hair is messy curly nest. While she brushes her teeth she runs over last night's events, she doesnt remember much but she does remember dancing alot and drinking _alot_. She remembers the cab ride home; the way Harry looked in the shadows of the early morning street lights, the way he tucked her into bed and stayed. She remembers Kellys phone call and the way Stella felt-

'Hi' Harry says standing in the doorway, Stella jumps and turns to look at him 'you okay? You were just staring into space'

'Oh yeah, I just was thinking is all' Stella says quietly continuing to brush her teeth. There quiet after that, they both know the situation but there just to afraid to talk about it. 'Have fun last night?'

'Yeah, it was great' Harry smiles 'you did as well, you were proper drunk coming home' he laughs and Stella laughs as well, washing the make up off of her eyes

'Yeah, thanks for taking care of me by the way' Stella says not meeting his gaze in the mirror 'I didnt do anything stupid did I?'

'Oh no, no. Nothing really, just the occasional outbursts' he says barely containing his smile and Stella feels her cheeks heat up at the way he looks at her

'Niall went home with some girl last night, he says that the American girls are the freaks' Stella snorts

'What a wanker'

they fall silent after that and Stella wants to bring it up, wants to talk about how that could never happen again. 'Is that why we had a sleepover? You didnt want to sleep without Niall?' she jokes

'Yeah, yeah that was totally the reason' he says shyly

She doesnt bring it up anymore, she passes him in the bathroom, leaves her room and goes into the living room where Niall is currently passed out on the couch.

She rolls her eyes at him then proceeds to open the curtains and windows to let some sunlight and air in for her plants. She hears the shower running in the bathroom so that gives Stella time to think without Harry there

'Niall' she shakes his shoulder but he doesnt stir 'Niall' she says again 'for fucks sake- Niall! Niall!' she practiaclly screams and he jumps awake

'Fucking cunt shit- what!' he shouts back looking very angry that makes Stella laugh

'The American girls are freaks huh?'

'Oh fuck off' he mumbles getting up and going into his room.

Just as he leaves her flat door opens and Kelly walks in, she's holding bags and that must mean that there's food. She has the biggest grin and Stella cant help but smile back, Kelly sets the food down and goes over to Stella and her bottom lip is shaking and she's about to burst into tears

'Oh love, whats the matter?' Stella murmers holding her close

'It's just- i'm so happy you know? They told me a few years ago that I wasnt ever going to be able to have a baby and a miracle happend, Stella. A fucking miracle!' she laughs while crying

'I know it's so amazing! I'm so happy for you, Amber' Stella says while pulling away from the hug

'Really?' Kelly asks with hope in her eyes

'Of course! I cant wait to be the godmother!' she jokes and Kelly laughs wiping the tears from her eyes.

'Oh Stella I love you!' Kelly says hugging Stella again and Stella chuckles and holds her close

'I love you to'

They chat after that, Amber explaining the excitement of her child growing in her stomach and Stella explaining the whole Niall and Harry thing

'Are they here? I brought enough food for everyone' and if on cue Niall and Harry walk out, Amber gives each of them a tray of food and a hug.

The three of them go into easy conversation and Stella cant explain the joy she feels when she see's her two longest friends get on so well with her best friend.

-

A few hours later, Kelly leaves to go meet her husband for lunch and Niall leaves as well to go meet some girl he met last night.

So again it's just Stella and Harry.

There just lounging on the couch with the telly on and both of there laptops resting on there laps. Harry doing some editing and Stella sumitting photos to her portfolios when her phone chimes to remind her that she needs to go out and buy groceries.

Usually Kelly would go out and buy all of the gorceries or Stella would hire someone to do it for her but this time she's differant. She threw away her old habits when she cleaned out her apartment. So she turns to Harry; his eyes are focused on his laptop screen with his brows furrowed

'Hey, Harry' Stella says and he turns to look at her with a soft smile 'Want to go to the farmers market with me?'

'Yeah sure' he says shrugging closing his laptop, he's already dressed in a rolling stones t-shirt and his super tight jeans with his classinc brown boots. While Stella is still in her pajamas from last night.

She goes into her room and quickly slips on a black tube top that rest right above her breast, along with ripped high waisted jean shorts, and pairs it with her black ankle boots that have just the right amount of heel. She accesories with rings and a few necklaces along with her black ray ban sunglasses, with her hair in the same very messy bun.

When she's done Harry is sitting on the couch with his sunglasses pulled up into his hair and he's typing something on his phone.

'Ready?' Stella asks suddenly, Harry turns to look at her and he scans his eyes over her body

he just nods.

They leave Stella's flat and start the walk to central park, the sun is warm against Stella's skin. They walk in comfortable silence, the loud streets of New York being enough for them.

When they finally get to the market it's a bit crowded but there's fruits and vegetebles and lots of plants that Stells is ready to buy. Stella leads them to the first vender which sells only fruits, she gets her bag out that she brought and starts to put apples and strawberries and other fruits. She can feel Harry staring at her and she finally looks up and gives him a grin

'Well dont just stand there, go over there and get me some vegetables' Stella says pointing to the vender right next to hers. Harry smiles and nods before makeing his way to the vegetables.

Stella spends a little more time at the fruit stand before paying, she walks towards the vegetable stand and she can see Harry listening intently to what the vegetable lady is saying about them. Stella feels her heart swell, she walks past him and makes her way over to where the big section of plants are, she looks closely at all of them when she feels a hand on the small of her back.

She turns and it's Harry with a plant in his arms, it has long vines growing out of it with some white flowers dottied around and it's so beautiful.

'Did you get this for me?' Stella whispers looking up at him

'Yeah, thought I could help with you collection' he smiles

'Oh Harry, thank you. It's beautiful'

'Not as beautiful as you though' he swiftly says and Stella blushes

'Shut up' Harry laughs at her remark and they make there way towards some benches under a tree. They sit for a minute before Harry see's someone selling icecream, he gets up immediatly not even asking Stella if she wants any. When he comes back he has two tall vanilla cones, he hands one to Stella and she smiles up at him, feeling fond replace her blood.

'So you really love New York dont you?' Harry asks after a moment of silence

'I really do, It's been my home for 4 years now' she replies licking her icecream 'You know Bethany and I were saving up to come here and we never got to go before she died'

'I remember the maps and photo's hung up in your apartment' Harry says with a small smile on his face remembering the memory 'You had jars full of coins'

'Yeah, I wish we could have gone'

'Well now your here, your here for the both of you' Harry says seriously never taking his eyes off of Stella's profile, Stella doesnt reply she just looks down at the plant in her lap and feels nostaliga.

There both quiet after that and after they finish there icecream they start the walk back to Stella's flat; there arms brushing each other each time they take a step. Stella can feel the heat of Harry's hand near hers and she just wants to hold it.

-

When they get back to the flat Stella finds someone in her flat she never would exspect to see. It's Deena her boss from work, she hasnt seen her since the last incident where Stella had to be removed forcfully. And if Stella is honest she is a bit embarressed but by the look of Deenas face she seems not to care about the past because as soon as Stella has stepped through the door she gives Stella a tight hug and says how happy she is to see her.

'M' glad to see you to, Deena' Stella mumbles into her cardigan when they stop hugging she gets straight to the point 'So um, why are you in my flat?'

Deena laughs 'I have things to discuss to you about work, and Kelly let me in. Who's this?' she asks grinning up at Harry

'Oh um this is my friend Harry, he's visiting from London. So lets take this conversation out into the balcony yes?' Stella says anxiety pooling in her stomach

'Of course, nice to meet you Harry' Deena says before leaving to the balcony while Stella goes into the kitchen to pour a glass of whine for her boss

'Shit, shitshitshit fuck' Stella mumbles, her hands are shaking and she's making whine spill over the glass

'Here let me' Harry says from beside her 'Why are you freaking out'

'I dont want to loose my job, that's probably why she's here fuck' Stells mumbles into her hands, but then Harry's big ones cover hers and hes bringing Stella into a hug

'Hey, it's okay. You never know what she's gonna say' he says sweetly against her hair and Stella nods trying to be calm

She pulls away and takes the two glasses into her hands and goes out into the balcony where Deena is sitting smoking a cigarrette. Stella closes the balcony doors behind her so she can have a little privacy from Harry.

'So Stella how have you been?' Deena asks

'I've been okay, I guess. Trying to get better' Stella says embarressed 'I'm really sorry about what happend at the office, I have just been a bit.. insane'

'Oh dont worry about it, I was the same way. In fact I still am, everybody goes through there shit at some point in there life.'

'Right, so your here to fire me?' Stella asks truthfully

'Oh god no! I came to ask you if your ready to come back, there are many clients wanting to work with you Stella. I know it might be a difficult time but if you dont come back now you might never, there's new people coming in everyday that might take your place'

Stella nods at the new information and she thinks she's ready, she's tired of hiding and being afraid

'I think I'm ready to go back, I want to get my life back together' Stella says grinning at Deena

'Excellent! So you have to make up a presentation on all of your work while you have been with us ie the company. Kelly will explain it all to you, it's your first big assingment and many clients with be there to see if they want to work with you during fashion week. A few others are also putting up a presentation but I want it to be you Stella' Deena doesnt break eye contact once even when she sips her wine and smokes 'Your one of the best and if you get the shoot you'll be working with names like Marc Jacobs, Versace, Alexander Wang and more, even artist will want to work with you. It will get your name out there even more than it is. So if you want to make a comback this would be it.' Deena explains and then her phone suddenly rings, she answers and speeks quickly into it 'Shit, I have a lunch to attend' Deena stands up and so does Stella along with her 'Get your shit sorted and your presentation done, I believe in you Stella'

She kisses both of Stella's cheeks and leaves the balcony but Stella doesnt follow, she watches her hug Harry then she's gone.

Stella is still a bit in shock, she would never exspect something like that to ever happen, she never thought _Deena_ of all people would come to her flat and tell her. If Stella was asked to come back to work she at least thought she would get a letter.

'What happend?' Harry asks after a moment of silence

'I was asked to go back to work and I have to do this big project with all of my photo's and I just- oh my god' Stella says and she's estatic! This is such a big oppertunity for her

'That's great! That's amazing Stella' Harry says excitedly before coming up to her and giving her a bear hug

'Are you just finding excuses to hug me then?' she jokes and Harry laughs

'Maybe I am'

'Well it's working'

-

That evening when Niall comes back from his lovers house ( _'Fuck off Stella we shagged one time!'_ ) and Kelly is back as well with food and lots of things to talk about for Stella's project.

While everyone is kind of talking out loud, with Niall and Harry having a deep disscussion on Coldplays newest album and Kelly is typing things into her ipad about her childs room and saying things about how _weird it was for Deena to ask for your key_. Amidst all the chaos of the kitchen/Dinning room Stella feels her phone vibrate in her sweater pocket, she pulls it out to see it's Zayn calling.

She gets up and walks out of the kitchen and into the cold air thats out in the balcony.

'Helloooo?'

'Hi It's Zayn'

'I have caller ID you fucker'

 _'I'm great thanks!'_ he says sarcasticly and Stella smiles fondly so happy to here his voice

'Hi, I love you'

'I love you to Stells, hows Niall and Harry?'

'There good, really enjoying New York espically Niall- wait how did you know they are here? Did Niall tell you?'

'I knew they were coming'

'And you didnt tell me?' Stella almost shouts

'I couldnt, Harry made me swear not to and I think it was better that you didnt know Stella if im honest'

'Why would you think that, I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Harry looking at my plants'

 _'It was all for the better, if I would have told you then you probably would have moved or something'_ Stella laughs because it's true

'Maybe, why did he decide to come anyway, I mean he told me he wanted to like fix things but i want to know from _you,_ Zayn'

'Well the minute you stepped into that car and left London he turned to me and said I have to go after her. And he started to pack then but he didnt actually leave till a month later, because of work and Uni, but he was torn up about Stella, really torn up. He's real sensitive y'know and with the whole thing with Amber he was almost angry at you'

'Yeah I felt that anger first hand'

'You did? You two are already going at it?'

'Course, all were good for is fighting' And now that Stella thinks about it, they have so many fights and it's like every good memory in Stella's mind is of them fighting

'Have to get through the bad to get to the good'

'Okay thank you philospher Zayn' Stella snorts and Zayn laughs

'I miss you Stella! Come back to London'

'I dont think I'm gonna go back there for a long time, to be honest'

'You have to face her sooner or later'

'No thank you, my heart is broken'

'Oh Stella, Amber is the closest thing you have to family right now'

'Untrue, I have you'

'Aw sweet, but seriously come back to London and straigten your shit out I mean it! Now i have to go, take care of yourself I love you'

'Love you to Zayn'

The line went dead and Stella went back to the chaos that were her friends.

　


	18. eighteen

The next few days were spent holed up in Stella's flat. Harry, Stella and Niall would spend there days lounging around Stella's flat, playing fifa, eating and smoking. Just generally having a great time together, and at night they would go out at around 11pm and wont come back till 6 the next morning. One night it was so wild that Stella and Niall fell alseep in central Park while Harry slept outside of Stella's flat door not even remembering how each of them got where they were.

Safe to say that its always a good time when there togther, Stella would work on her project for work in the day while nursing her hangover and go out at night. Niall, Harry and Kelly all helped with Stella's project as well, giving opinions about which photos are better and what Stella should say about them.

Stella felt so happy with them surrounded around her even Harry. She felt the happiest with him and she _missed him_ god did she miss him, he was not only her once boyfriend, he was her bestfriend as well. They used to spend every waking moment together before and then Stella was gone for four years. _Four fucking years_. That's a long time when you think about it.

-

But today is differant, Stella gets up around 12 with a mild hangover from the bar they visisted last night. Harry and Niall are still asleep when Kelly walks in, dressed in a floral summer dress and her hair in long waves.

'Morning!' She says cheerfully and Stella can tell that she's already showing a bit and it's horribly cute.

'Hi' Stella says her voice a bit hoarse

'Have a night out last night?'

'How'd you know?'

'I went through the same thing dont even worry'

'Kelly you talk like your 60 when your only 28 you should come out with us sometime' Stella mumbles over her waterbottle she's currently chugging

'Oh no!' Kelly laughs 'I have this girl to worry about'

Stella's eyes widen and she almost chokes on her water 'Girl!?'

Kelly nods and Stella can already tell she's crying, so she brings her in for a tight hug while mumbling how happy she is for her

'That means we have soo much shopping to do today Stella and your going to help me'

'Shopping?' Stella repeats trying not to groan

'Yes! I have to get the babys room prepared and clothes and a crib theres so much to do!'

'Alright we'll go shopping-'

'I like shopping!' Harry interupps running into the kitchen still looking groggy from sleep, but that seems to not bother him since he swoops Kelly in for a hug and smacks a wet kiss to Stella's cheek that she tries not to melt from. 'So shopping?'

'Yes shopping, everyone get ready!' Kelly orders clapping her hands before Harry races out of the kitchen and into the bathroom.

-

By the time everyone is ready to go, (even Niall) it's a hour and a half later and Stella is sporting a black and white striped t-shirt and black high waisted shorts with her classic high top converse. And her hair is in to braids thanks to Kelly while her makeup is light and natural.

'Hey that's my shirt' is the first thing Harry says when she comes into the living room where he's sitting next to Kelly with a cup of tea

'No it's not' Stella says defensivly because she could have sworn she threw away everything of Harry's

'It is,' Harry gets up and walks behind Stella pulling out the tag 'It's Saint laurent see'

Stella flushes in embaressment 'Oh shit-' she mumbles going back to her room to change but before she can even get to the hallway Harry grabs her wrist and pulls her back

'It's okay, It looks better on you anyway' he grins and Stella blushes

'Alright I'm ready bitches' Niall announces coming in looking fresh and less hungover

Harry smacks him in the back of the head letting go of Stella's wrist 'There is a pregnant lady in the room'

Stella rolls her eyes and opens the front door so they all could file out.

-

It's only been an hour and a half when Harry and Stella are left alone, Niall and Kelly have went to one of the shops next door that sells curtains while Stella and Harry were still looking at baby clothes.

Stella feels a pang in her heart every time she see's a very small pair of vans only fit for a baby or small bows that only young baby girls can wear. Now that she has gotten older she wants kids, she wants the domestic life and to be able to grow old with somone.

' _God_ I want a baby' Stella whispers not thinking Harry would hear

'You do?' he asks

'I do'

'I thought you didnt want your kids to go through what you did?' Harry asks with a confused look on his face and Stella turns and glares at him before walking on to the next set of clothes

'They would _never ever_ go through what I did, I would make sure of it.' Stella says after a moment

'How are you so sure that the dad wont be such a... fuck up?'

'Because, I know when I get married and eventually have children it will be with someone who wants a family. Somone who I trust, who I can share the rest of my life with' Stella walks out of the store and Harry is right on her trail

'But-'

'But what Harry?!' Stella finally snaps at him 'whats with the interegation?'

'I'm just asking' he mumbles, Stella rolls her eyes and walks into the shop where Kelly and Niall are, they are negotiating on what prints the colors should be and when Kelly see's Stella walk in she sighs in relief

'Oh thank god Stella, I need you opinion. What do you think? A light ocean blue or a light yellow?'

'I like the ocean blue, it's very' she gestures with her hands not able to find the words

'Harry..? What do you think?' Kelly turns to him

'The blue, it'll match her eyes'

Kelly grins and gives the colors back to the sales person and follows to the desk to pay for it, so Stella follows

'Kelly where is your husband through all of this?' Stella finally asks when they leave the store, while Harry and Niall traill behind

'Oh he's on a buissness meeting right now, he wont be back for another week.' She smiles sadly

'Do you think he will be around much when the baby is born?' Stella asks quietly not wanting to break her mood. But of course It does break Kellys mood and she begins to cry 'Fuck' Stella mumbles sitting her on the bench, Stella sits next to her while Harry kneels infront of Kelly while Nialls stands looking down at her sadly

'What the fuck did you do?' Niall asks Stella

'She didnt do anything, It's just- I-I'm just a mess right now'

'Aw love your not' Harry says putting his hand over hers

'I am! Fuck- Kevin is never home, he wasnt even there when I got the news that I was pregnant. He's always on buissness or at work- and you know I dont want my daughter growing up thinking that her father doesnt love her' she whimpers 'I want her to grow up with love around her at all times, not thinking for a second that her father chooses work over her'

'That will never happen, you know why? Because you are going to love her enough for the both of you and Stella, Niall and I would be right next to you giving her more love then anything else. You should talk to your husband about this as well, stress isnt good for the baby'

'What are you a baby doctor now?' Niall asks

'I read alot' Harry answers without thinking 'I know it's hard now but it will get better, I promise.' he finishes and Stella is to far deep with this boy to ever go back.

'Thank you Harry' Kelly mumbles giving him a hug. Once she composes herself they get up to walk to a resturante to eat then go home.

-

Stella doesnt feel like going out that night, but she insist that Harry and Niall go. _Dont let me ruin the fun_ she would say and they both protested but finally they left leaving some time for Stella. She hasnt properly been alone like this in a week, it's been one week already since Harry and Niall have been in New York and it's complicated between Harry and Stella.

Sure there friendly and getting along but there's still so much tense moments and so many things unsaid. It's like Stella still loves him so much and is dying inside but Harry isnt feeling any of that. It seems that instead of coming to fix things he's here to party, sure they spend alot of time together but it isnt the same. Nothing will ever be the same for them.

So Stella spends the evening alone, she does some photography work and eats a bowl of cereal for dinner. She does call Kelly to ask if she wants to sleepover but it happens to be a night where her husband is home so she leaves her to be with him.

At around 2am Stella turns off the tv and goes to her room, and just about when she's ready to fall asleep she hears the front door slam open then drunken gigling and wet sounds.

Stella gets out of bed slowly and tip toes out of her room and is ready to yell and embarress the shit out of Niall but what she finds instead is Harry.

Her eyes burn at the sight of him and some brunnete skinny girl making out heavily on her couch. Harry doesnt even see Stella standing there, with her hair a mess in a big sweater. Stella's eyes sting with angry tears

'Get out' Stella says loudly but firmly and it's like she's having a flash back when she walked in on Cody having sex in her bed with someone that wasnt her.

Harry and the brunnette stop making out and Harry looks up at her and she can tell he's drunk but the girl seems to not care about Stella and starts to suck on his neck. Stella burns with rage and jelousy

'If I get my hands on you, you will be sorry. Now, get the fuck out!' Stella shouts this time but the girl in the skimpy dress ignores her

'Hey, It's time to go.' Stella hears Harry mumble to her, then the brunette gets up, rolls her eyes then Stella the finger and leaves. It takes all of Stella's might not to go after her and wrip her finger off but she controlls her self.

'You get out to' Stella mumbles to Harry turning away from him

'Oh come on Stell's' he says grabbing her elbow and Stella has another flash back on all the times Harry has done that to her in all the years she's known him. Grabbing Stella to pull her closer to him so he could kiss her or hug her

'Dont touch me' she hisses moving away from him

'What's the big deal? Why are you like this?' Harry hicupps

'Well I dont know, you brought a girl back to my flat and almost fucked her on my couch' Stella snaps at him

'Come on Stella, you know your the only one I want to bang on that couch' he whispers getting closer to Stella so there foreheads touch but she just pushes him away

'Your drunk, get away from me!' Stella shouts making her way back to her bedroom

'Your still the only one I want Stella! I just want it to be you and I forever!' he yells after her but Stella doesnt respond, she just slams her bedroom door as tears run over her cheeks.

 

 


	19. nineteen

The next morning Stella emerges from her room around 7 in the morning maybe getting an hour of sleep. She tossed and turned the whole night, anxiety and a deep sad feeling filling her to the bone. So she layed awake and watched the sun go up from her bed, and finally when she couldnt take laying around anymore she left her room. When she passes by the guest room she opens the door quietly and finds Niall passed out on the bed and Harry no where to be seen. She shuts the door and walks to the kitchen but has to back track because there's Harry passed out on the floor with his shirt undone and a burned out cigarrette inbetween his fingers. Stella rolls her eyes and remembers the way he was all over that girl and how he doesnt even fucking _care about the way she feels._ And she told him five hundred fucking times not to smoke around her plants!

So Stella bangs around the kitchen making as much noise as possible while she makes her tea and waffles. She even turns the pages of her Vogue magazine loudly, and soon after Harry comes shuffling in the room with horrible bed head. He looks a wreck, his eyes rimmed red with sleep and the events of last night, if he even remembers.

'Why are you being so loud?' Harry grumbles sitting at the table and resting his head against the cool glass 'and why are you up so early?'

'Why do you care?' Stella says snarkaly not meeting his eyes

'I always care Stella, why do you keep asking me that?' he says lowly slightly wincing from his headache

'You didnt seem to care last night'

'I was drunk!' he says a bit loudly and Stella is so fucking tired

'Why is that even a fucking excuse? Take responsibilities for your actions dammit!' Stella explodes with anger she's been holding in

'Oh shut up' he mumbles getting up and walking away from her towards the bathroom

'You shut up!' Stella screams after him and she throws the fucking plate at the wall where he was sitting and screams in frustration because _Harry_ he annoys the shit out of her

'God whats with all the screamin? It's 8 in the fucking morning!' Niall is already shouting coming down the hall 'what happend now?'

'Harry! I cant fucking deal with him anymore, I just- I think you guys should leave now' Stella says her voice breaking as she puts her face in her hands. Nialls face softens at her words

'No no no, were not leaving I'm not leaving' he replies hugging her from the side and resting his cheek on her shoulder

'He's so annoying' Stella whines

'I know, but so are you' Niall mumbles back and she rolls her eyes at him and shoves him off of her

'Oh shut up' she says trying not to let the fond show in her voice

'Now be quiet, If I here one more breaking plate then your gonna get a whoppin, understand me?' Niall says firmly staring Stella down

'Yes mum' she says sarcastically as Niall walks away

When Stella is left alone again she goes to pick up the broken plate careful not to cut herself again, but as she has the last of the plates in a plastic bag Harry comes out of the shower sopping wet in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. They make eye contact just as Stella slams the broken dish inside the trashcan. Harry then smirks at her as he notices her roaming eyes on his inked and toned chest. Stella rolls her eyes and turns away from him.

When he comes out again fully dressed and smelling like soap and fruit he leans against the kitchen entry way, smirking at Stella.

'Listen Harry, if your going to continue staying here, I cant have you bringing back females. Your driving me nuts!' Stella says exasperated

'How so?'

'Well I mean your so annoying, making me break dishes and shit- what the hell is your problem?'

'What? I'm not doing anything'

'Why are you looking at me like that? You see- you see what you do- look I'm tired alright' Stella then says seriously 'and I think it would be best if you left, and I mean for good this time'

Harry's eyes widen in seriousness before walking closer to Stella but she doesnt look up to meet his eyes

'It would be best if we kept an ocean between us I think, I have my own life and you have yours-' then his lips are meeting hers.

and it's like a million explosions are going off in her body, it's like coming home after so long. Stella has missed the weight of his lips on hers, but she pulls away despite the feeling, she cant do this. Not anymore

'What's wrong?' Harry asks quielty when Stella walks away from him with tears filling her eyes

'I cant do this-'

'But I thought- I came here all the way from London and I just thought-'

'Thought what? That if you came here I would magically want you back? That I would jump into your arms and forgive you?' Stella says harshly, pain lacing her voice

'Well, yes. I came back for you, Stella. Because I want us to be together again, I miss you and I know you miss me'

'You dont know anything, I am not the same fucked up 18 year old that I was before. I have a _life_ now Harry, I have a job and a flat payment, I cant keep guessing wether your going to leave me in the end or stay. I wont ever make the same mistake I did all those years ago'

'It wont be a mistake! I know you Stella, I fucking _know you_ and I know your not Happy. I know that your not happy here in this big flat in a even bigger city' Harry huffs out with his big green eyes and Stella just wants to run far away because she know's he's right 'Your happier surrounded by your friends and family, what you have doesnt make you happy, it's who you have and I know that. Which is why I'm here.

I came here to New York to bring you back to London, yes one of the reasons I came was to fix things between you and I but that wasnt the only one. Everyone wants you back home, Stella. Zayn, Amber me.. everyone. London is your home, I know New York is too but I know you would rather live in a shitty apartment but would be able to see your friends everyday, you would be able to visit Bethany at the cememtary and see Alexa all the time.'

It's quiet after Harry's outburst and Stella is crying, because she's afraid, no _terriefied_.

'So please, come back to London with me and Niall.' Harry pleades again walking closer to Stella, he cups his hand over her cheek and wipes the tears coming from her eyes.

'I'm sorry, Stella. For everything, for leaving you for Cara and leaving you at the hardest part in your life. I'm a shit person but I would be less shittier if I was with you'

then his lips touch hers again and this time Stella doesnt pull away. She allows herself to enjoy Harry's lips on hers and she feels light again with him in her arms.

Once they've pulled apart because of lack of air, there foreheads are resting together and Stella has her eyes closed enjoying this amazing feeling that she hasnt felt in so long

'I'll think about it alright? Just let me think' she mumbles and Harry grins and kissed her again. Stella smiles into the kiss and _god_ this is her favorite place to be, with Harry in her arms with his mouth on hers.

'Can we just- sleep?' Stella whispers against his collerbone, she hears his deep chuckle

'Of course love, come one' Harry connects there hands and pulls Stella to her bedroom, they climb into Stella's bed and wrap the covers around them. Stella entertwines there legs and she rest her head on his shoulder and her bed is suddenly not so cold anymore.

Stella lightly kisses Harrys neck and they soon fall asleep together.

-

When she wakes up again it's like a dream. It feels like the past couple years of her life were a dream and she's 18 again and Bethany is just down the hall. But it isnt a dream, it's the same boy but a very different situation, and Stella kind of feels okay with that. She suddenly feels satifised that this is good enough for her, with Harry's arms wrapped around her and his heart beating against hers.

Stella sturs and flips over on her back and turns her head to check the time, it's now 1pm. She feels Harry stir next to her and he lays on his stomach with his head rested on her chest and Stella giggles

'Harry' she whispers and pulls one of his ringlets

'Noo go back to sleep' he mumbles and Stella laughs

'It's already 1 and I'm hungry'

He opens his eyes then and Stella missed seeing those big green eyes even if it's only been a few hours. Harry gives a sleepy grin before moving his head up and kissing the side of Stella jaw

'I missed you' he mumbles against her cheek

'I missed you to'

-

They soon got up and brushed there teeth side by side in Stella's bathroom; grinning at each other through white foam. And it's so great now because everytime Stella feels like kissing Harry she _can,_ but she doesnt think about what they even are now, she just enjoys Harrys hand wrapped in hers. She doesnt think about what comes next, or anything about there relationship for once she just enjoys it.

'So whats this!' Niall shouts coming into the kitchen, he's just caught Harry feeding Stella a piece of toast 'The love birds are love birds again, eh?'

'Shut up!' Stella says grinning and she's so fucking happy that she doesnt care about Niall's teasing

'You know i'm quite hurt actually, I thought I was your only true love Harry'

'Oh Niall you are' Harry says and brings Niall in for a hug, Niall sticks his tongue out at Stella over his shoulder, Stella just rolls her eyes fondly and gives him the finger.

-

The three of them spend the rest of the day roaming the street's of New York, and it's so nice to finally just hold Harry's hand and hug and kiss him whenever she feels like it. She feels so alive when he's around, she feels so real.

They end up on a roof, the sun is going down giving the sky deep purples and reds and it's almost as beautiful as Harry. The three of them dangle there legs off the edge of the building and it's like Stella never wants to forget this moment. She never wants to forget how good she feels right now with her best friends beside her and the love of her life's hand in hers.

She doesnt even know what Niall is currently laughing about, he's just talking and laughing and it make's Stella's heart soar.

They stay up there and watch the sun go down and even after that.

The three of them eventually make there way back down and wander into a club, they drink overpriced drinks and Harry and Stella grind on the dance floor.

She's got on this small black dress with ripped up tights and her black doc martens; her hair in long messy curls, and it feels like she's 18 again. Fresh into Uni thinking she's found her forever with Bethany somewhere in the same club as her but not that far away.

Stella is a little bit sweaty from dancing to the beat, but she doesnt care when Harry's hands are holding her hips tightly and she's more drunk on him then on the alcohal.

At around 2am they head home, Harry flags a cab down as Niall and Stella have to hold themselves up because there both hysterically laughing. Stella doesnt really remember about what but her head is very fuzzy and she's warm inside.

The cab ride home is quiet, Niall falls asleep between Harry and Stella but there staring at each other. It's not like a weird stare or anything it's like Stella is trying to memorize Harry. Even though she know's him like the back of her hand its just that she's afraid she'll forget him in the morning. Like all of this was some kind of dream and she wants to remember _god_ she wants to remember.

When they finally get to Stella's flat and Harry lets them in, Harry helps Niall to bed while Stella goes into her room to change and get ready for sleep.

Right when she's pulling back the covers to get into bed Harry comes in. He looks so amazing in the low glow of the room. Stella lays back in bed and watches Harry through tired eyes undress and eventually slide in next to her. He turns the lap off and suddenly there submerged into darkness and Stella can just make a bit out of Harry's face through the shine of the moon.

There quiet for a long moment and Stella feels drunk and sober at the same time.

'What have you been doing?' Harry asks quielty

'Waiting for you' Stella whispers back and it's so real, and she will only say shit like that when it's just them. When it feels like there the only two awake in the world, Stella thinks it's good to be brutally honest sometimes. And when it comes to Harry she wants him to know the whole truth of her, she _has_ been waiting for him. Ever since he left her alone at her flat to Cara saying he'll never come back she has been waiting. She'll always wait for him is the thing, when she's 70 with grandkids in the country side of some city she'll think of him.

'Dont forget me okay?' Stella mumbles then

'Never ever will I forget you' Harry whispers like it's a secret, like it's only for Stella, he says it so quiet the moon couldnt even hear.

 

 


	20. twenty

For the next few days it was Stella, Harry and Niall along with Kelly sometimes during the day. They would run around New York and explore and eat at new places and do crazy shit at night. Things for Stella and Harry have just exploded as well, it's like there 18 again and it's so incredible.

But today it's just Harry and Stella alone in the flat. Niall went out to play tennis again and Kelly is out with her mum. Harry and Stella are just laying on the couch and enjoying each others company.

'You know I quite like yorkshire tea' Stella says suddenly and Harrys mouth pulls up into a grin

'I'm more of a herbal guy'

Stella scoffs 'If Louis was here you'd be a dead man. You know come to think of it I've never had herbal tea'

'Your lying' Harry says sitting up, Stella just shakes her head back and fourth 'Well then we must go get some this instant' he get's up then and walks to the hallway

'Wait Harry!' Stella yells after him, he stops and turns around 'I dont want to get up' she whines

'Oh come on Stella, it'll do you good come on' he walks back over to her

'I swear to god Harry if you pick me up I will-' he picks Stella up and puts her over his shoulder and she screaming at him but he ignores her and takes her to the room. Harry drops Stella on the bed and she glares up at him

'Now lets see what to wear' he rumages through Stella's closet and pulls out a rush band t-shirt that Stella has had since she was 16

'No not that one' she wrinkles her nose but he scowels at her

'Why not?' Stella just giggles at him because he's genuily offended

'That shirt is like 10 years old, and I'm not really into rush'

'There a fantastic group! That's rubbish, your wearing it' he throws the shirt to Stella and she just sighs and hold it in her lap 'were it with these' he hands Stella some ripped up blue jeans and her black high heel boots

Stella looks up at him like he's crazy 'Harry I can just wear my vans-'

'Shhh, we need to match'

Stella laughs loudly but he just blushes 'Shut up! Get dressed' he stammers grinning 'oh and wear this!' Harry tosses a gold choker necklace next to her on the bed then leaves.

Stella showers up and does her makeup light, when shes finally ready Harry is sitting on the floor by the door zipping up his boots, he looks up at Stella and grins at her

'You look so good'

'I know, someone great picked out my outfit' Stella laughs, Harry stands up and brings Stella in by her hips

'Really who?'

'Some wanker' she shruggs then laughs at Harrys hurt expression, he kisses her then cupping her face with his hands and deepening it.

Stella giggles into the kiss and theres butterflies that she thought died long ago floating around in her stomach.

'Come on, lets go get some herbal tea' he mumbles against her forehead before kissing it.

-

Stella is sitting across from Harry at a small cafe, the small wooden table between them is wobbly. There's warm herbal tea in front of them and Harry watches intently as Stella takes her first sip. It's really refreshing and soothes the shit out of her, but Stella really tries to love it because Harry does.

'Well?' Harry asks with his big green moss eyes

'Its good' Stella says nodding her head

'See, I told you' he grins and takes a sip of his own 'really warms the heart'

They talk about dumb things for a little while longer before taking one to go and leaving. They walk down the sidewalk a little before Harry loops his fingers around Stella's, they walk into central park and sip there teas in silence. It's a bit cooler and it's nice change from the heat

'So have you talked to Amber at all?' Harry asks and Stella is a bit taken back by the sudden question on a sensitive topic.

'Erm, not really; no' Stella answers finally, keeping her eyes locked on her clicking boots

'Why? She's your sister' Harry's gaze is hard on Stella

'Because I- we- it's really none of your bussiness' Stella mumbles hoping to get away from the subject.

Harry pulls Stella by there linked fingers and sits them on a bench, Stella doesnt face him.

'Listen Stella, I talked to her the other night and-'

'You talked to her? You talk on a daily base?' Stella asks and she really shouldnt be that surprised it is the same Harry who is friends with everyone

'Well yeah, and she says she tries to call and text you but you never answer, I think it's time you do'

'I dont want to' Stella mumbles after a moment of silence

'Why not?'

'Because, she ruined everything for me, again. I was having such a fantastic time in London and then this whole thing with my mum and my dead dad. She _didnt tell me_.' Stella is getting very upset now 'She know's I have been wondering and looking for my dad with just a pinch of hope left in me and she completly ignored the fact that he's dead and I didnt know' She doesnt meet Harry's eyes at all because she know's she'll cry 'She broke my heart and hurt me, and god I _want_ to talk to her, believe me I do. But I need some time, I need to just have some time away from her. I need space.'

She turns to face Harry then and a single tear falls but she wipes it away quickly, Harry pulls her in for a hug and doesnt let go for a long time.

'I'm sorry about your dad' he says after awhile and Stella just nods.

They walk out of the park then, this time with Stella under Harry's arm. They walk close together, the sun finally setting. On the way back to Stella's flat they pass a Bar with lots of windows and inside it's dark with lots of dancing.

'Come on!' Stella yells excitedly then, she pulls Harry by there linked fingers into the club even though there's a long line waiting outside. The bouncer was busy arguing with a drunk women to notice there entrance, but once there through the door's Stella hears his shout after them.

'Shit' She hears Harry mumble by her ear, there standing closer now, trying to get deeper and more far away from the entrance. Once they get to the other side of the club and are in a big ocean of people dancing they start to get wild. Well Stella does, anyway.

Stella is grinding on Harry like a stripper or something and it's like she feels so young and free. She doesnt feel the weight of this whole relationship on her shoulders, she doesnt think about how her presentation is due in a week and she isnt even half way done. Stella feel's incredibly sober, sweaty and so fucking happy.

She know's that Harry wants to take her to bed, can feel it through his jeans but Stella wont, she isnt ready. Not yet. So she moves away from him and starts to dance with this girl that has half her head shaved. Its entirely for fun and she feels so high.

It's only been an hour when Harry comes over to where Stella is still dancing with all these girls with two drinks in his hand. Stella moves away from them when Harry hands her the cup and Stella chuggs the cup of water down, she puts one hand on Harry's shoulder while drinking her water. There swaying slowly when Stella see's over Harry's shoulder a big scary bouncer with a flash light coming towards them.

'We gotta go' Stella says quickly up to Harry, there turning and walking away casually when Stella is being pulled by the arm into the girl she was dancing with. Her name is Tami and she plants her lips right on Stella's. It's a shock at first but Stella pulls away gently before she slides her tongue into her mouth

'Hey, I gotta go' She almost shouts over the loud music and Stella can see the guard coming over to them more quickly. Tami's got her head cupped in her hands and she's grinning.

'Okay, but maybe we can hang out sometime' she says and slips a piece of paper into the front pocket of her jeans

Stella nods before pecking her cheek and turning to Harry, she goes in front of him and grabs his hand pulling him quickly through the club.

There almost running to the back of the club, until they get to a black door, Stella pushes it open and is hit with the cold air of New York City.

They run till they get to the corner when they think they lost him which they did.

'That was close wasnt it?' Harry says laughing, Stella nods before going behind Harry and jumping on his back

'My feet hurt' she whines and nuzzles her face into Harrys curls. He carries her all the way to the flat while they play eye spy. When they get to Stella's building Harry drops her and they ride the elavator up talking about the day's events. It's nearly midnight

'So that girl Tami' Harry mentions once they've changed into there pajamas and are eating a bowl of cereal at the kitchen table, there feet entangling under the table.

'Yeah, she's pretty cool' Stella shruggs

'Was she even cooler when you were snoggin!' Harry says barely containing his glee, it's not like Stella was a stranger to kissing women. There beautiful and Stella doesnt have a problem with kissing her own kind.

'Oh Harry! How old are you? It was just a kiss'

'Yeah but it was right hot' Harry says leaning back in his chair while Stella is leaning forword on her elbows

'I guess' Stella shruggs, but Harry cant stop grinning 'what!?' she shouts barely containing her smile

'You know I was so ready to just take you home, the way you were dancing was just..' Harry says lower leaning foreword on his elbows so there noses are barely touching

'Yeah? Why didnt you?' Stella challenges, she hasnt taken her makeup off yet so her mascara is making her eyes look bigger

Harry shruggs leaning back 'wanted to see what was happening with the girl' he says and Stella rolls her eyes standing up and taking there dishes to the sink.

'Your such a guy' she mumbles, she feels Harry stand behind her his big hand on her hips, Stella turns around then. She raises her hand up and rest it on his shoulder and really looks at him.

His eyes are brighter than she has seen them in a long time, his hair is a curly mess. He's wearing a plane white t-shirt with some sweats and he looks so beautiful

'Your so beautiful' Stella mumbles before even realizing it

'Well I mean' Harry mockingly says tossing a hand over his shoulder meaning to flip his hair. Stella rolls her eyes

'Your silly' she says giggling. Harry wraps his arms around Stella's shoulders pulling her in for a hug, Stella wraps her arms around his middle and fist the back of his shirt in her palms. And Stella feels like Harry is hugging her like this in her kitchen in her silent flat, across the ocean from home for a reason. She feels like he's trying to make up for all the hugs that they've missed, like he's trying to make something up to her. Stella doesnt want to think to much about it, or else she'll start crying.

Her phone ringing breaks the silence. She breaks the grip on Harry's shirt and pulls out her iphone from her pocket. It's Niall, Harry keeps hugging her while she answers

'Yo'

'Stella!'

'Niall, whats' up?'

'I'm at this roof top party in the middle of time square! It's so fuckin sick! You and Harry should come down'

Stella pulls the phone down to her shoulder to talk to Harry 'Niall wants us to go to this amazing party in time's square'

'No' Harry mumbles against her shoulder 'I'm sleepy'

'Niall, hello?' she says back into her phone

 _'You comin or what!?'_ he shouts over the music _'come on it's open bar'_

'Open bar' Stella says again to Harry, but he just shakes his head no

'Nah, mate gonna sit this one out' Stella says trying to contain her smile at how wonderful Harry is

'I'll drink enough for the 3 of us then!'

'That's the spirit, stay safe. I'll leave the door unlocked, love youuu' Stella says before hanging up. Stella pockets her phone and clears her throat

'Harry you gonna let go of me?' Stella whispers kissing his collar bone lightly 'Come on lets go to sleep'

Harry lets go of her then and gives her a sleepy grin, Stella grabs his hand and leads them to her bedroom. They fall into bed together, tangling in the sheets.

Harry kisses Stella temple before they fall asleep wrapped up in each other.

 


	21. twenty one

The next morning Stella wakes up to Harry's hand shaking her. He mumbles about it being her boss and Stella eyes widen and she takes the phone.

'Hello?' she says suddenly wide awake

 _'Stella, darling!'_ she booms over the phone _'How's the project going?'_

Stella's eyes widen. Shit

'It's going great!' Stella lies straight through her teeth 'um I'm just giving it some last touches actually'

 _'Oh that's wonderful, I just know the clients will love you'_ she says and continues to babble about how Fashion week and Stella's photography will mix together wonderfully. Stella lays back into the bed trying to pay attention to what her boss is saying but finds it hard since Harry's big green eyes are staring intently at her.

Stella turns over and faces Harry mumbling _yeahs_ and laughing where she needs to.

'So I'll see you the office at 1 then?'

'Wait what?' Stella breaks her gaze off of Harry

 _'I want to give you some files of photo's that I'll think you'll like. I wont be there but my assisant will assist you'_ she laughs

'Oh, yeah okay. Thank you Deena, for everything' Stella says seriously this time and Deena replys something loud and heartfelt then hangs up. When Stella hears the line go dead she drops her phone to the floor next to her and buries herself into the sheets. She feels Harry's arms wrap around her and she's suddenly so warm and tired again.

'What time is it?' Stella mumbles

'Only 12'

'I dont want to get up' Stella whines

'Why must we get up?' Harry asks and Stella looks up at him. His eyes are light and his hair a mess

'I have to pick up some stuff from the office. Fancy going with me?' Stella asks smiling up at him

'Of course' Harry says kissing her forehead 'Come on, you get showerd up and I'll make us some tea and toast'

Stella agrees and rolls out of bed while Harry makes his way over to the kitchen. After her shower she slips on a black t-shirt with a maroon leather jacket over it and some black jeans since it was getting rather cold in New York. Along with her black doc martens. She doesnt put any makeup on just slips her black ray bans up her hair for later.

When she leaves the room Harry is sitting at the kitchen table with Niall across from him. There having a conversation about something Stella doesnt understand.

'Goodmorning Niall! Good to see you up early' Stella says cheerfully

'Yeah, yeah' Niall mumbles over a mouth full of food

'What's the matter?' Stella asks sitting next to him after giving him a kiss on the top of his head

'Nothing' he mumbles and Stella is really concerned now so she looks over to Harry and he has a sad expression on his face

'Niall here got dumped' he says and Niall groans like he's in pain

Stella gasps 'By Virigina!?' she asks and he nods 'But I thought everything was going great?'

'I thought that to, but I guess not' he shruggs and Stella feels fiery bubble up in her 'fuck her Niall, you deserve someone way better than her. She isnt good enough for your irishness'

That seems to muster up a smile and he nods greatfully at her

'Want to come with us to Stella's office?' Harry asks

'Nah, I'm just gonna take a nap if that's alright' he says glumly

'Of course it is Ni, we'll be back with food and cuddles' Stella says giving his shoulder a squezze. Harry gets up then and goes to shower while Stella and Niall try to talk about light things.

-

Once Harry and Stella are out on the streets of New York, they hail down a cab. The ride over is short and it's a big crowd of people walking by her office building so she holds onto Harry's hand while they manuever trying not to get lost from each other. Once they make it inside the building it's warm and Stella and Harry walk together to the elevator; there hands linked and swinging between them.

They take the elavator up to Stella's office floor, when they get there its quiet except for the light chatter between the people there. Stella walks ahead and Harry is right behind her and Stella can feel eyes on her but doesnt let it phase her, she's better now.

Deena's assistant walks right up to Stella and hands her a bag, Stella takes it and is surprised by how heavy it is. She looks inside and there's folders full of pictures. Stella pulls it over her shoulder and Deena's assistant walks away without saying a word, Stella doesnt think anything of it. She just shruggs and takes Harry's hand and they walk out of her office together.

When they get down to the main lobby outside there's an even bigger crowd of people. But this time when they get out to the sidewalk there's many people with cameras and there taking pictures of Stella and Harry. Harry takes the lead this time, keeping his head down and leading a shocked Stella.

Stella is wondering how in the hell she could get papparazi attacked when she isnt even remotely famous. I mean she's well known for her photography but not like _this._ Harry and Stella eventually make it passed the sea of paps and get into a cab that speeds off.

'What the fuck was that!?' Stella exclaims pulling her hair from her face

'You were just papparazi attacked' Harry says his eyes looking wild as his hair

'I know, fuck' Stella mumbles leening her head against the cab window. 'I'm not even well known like _that._ Sorry you had to go through that'

Harry's face softens and he puts his hand on her leg 'As long as I got to go through it with you then I dont care' and really Stella is 4 seconds from bursting. So she leans over and takes Harry's face in her hands and connects there lips together.

The cab ride home consisted of them cuddling in the back of the cab and taking silly pictures of themselves. When they get back to the flat Niall is sitting on the couch next to Kelly eating a bowl of cereal. Kelly is sorting through some papers and Niall is watching the tv while shoveling food into his mouth.

'The weirdest thing just happend, I got attacked by a mob of paps. They were yelling at me and taking 100 photos a minute or something' Stella says taking her shoes and jacket off.

'I know, I tried to get here before you left to tell you, you have publicity work!'

'Publicity work?' Stella asks sitting next to Niall 'But I'm not even big like that'

'Oh yes you are, at least your going to be' Kelly says with an intense stare 'Deena wants you to be well known everywhere, even if you dont get the London Fashion Week job you might even get to be on the runway' Kelly says and Stella cant quite believe it

'What!?' Stella shouts grinning 'But no one is going to care about me? I'm just a hood rat from Manchester!' Stella exclaims and she hears Harry snort from the kitchen

'People really like you Stella, as a model, as a fashion icon. Your client list is going through the roof right now. Everyone wants to work with you, I _just_ got off the phone with Heidi Clume and she wants you as a judge on the next season of _Project Runway.'_

'Shut up' Stella says in shock 'Shut _up!'_ Stella is standing up now and she cant contain her glee for this amazing news.

'Which is why I'm here, your very busy Stella and you have to follow a shedule from now on. No more running around New York or late nights. You are very busy at the moment, not to mention your project is due in a week have you even started yet?'

'I have been working on it little by little but i mean it isnt exactly finished-'

'Stella! You need to work harder on it, this presentation is very important' Kelly scolds

'I know I know. I have it under control'

'You say that now but then when it's the night before the presentation your going to have to cram it all in because you fucked around all week' Kelly sclods and Stella scowls at her and her horrible mood

'I know, jeez what's with you today?' Stella asks

Kelly sighs and sits down leaning against the back of the couch 'I'm sorry, I'm just feeling very pregnant today. And things with Kevin arent going well' Kelly admits her hands twitching like she needs a ciggarette or something, a feeling Stella is very familiar with.

'Aw love I'm sorry' Niall says Putting his hand on her knee

'It's alright, i'm just a bit stressed is all' Kelly says running her hands over her face and she suddenly looks very young and tired.

'Look why dont you go home and sleep and we can figure all this stuff tommrow yeah?' Stella suggest getting up and sitting next to Kelly 'I have the whole project thing under control, I'll get started right now, and I wont even go out tonight'

'Oh but you have to go out tonight, at least for dinner. You have some candids that need to be taken at 8:30, I can cancel maybe? I'll call Deena-'

'Relax, we can go out for dinner or something, I'll call you later for more information' Stella says trying to put her at ease

'Oh alright, call me okay? Dont forget-'

'Dont worry I wont, now get some sleep' Stella says following her out of the door. Once Kelly is gone, Stella takes a breath.

'Right, so it's 2 I'll take a quick power nap until 3 to be refreshed for my project. Harry lets-'

'No no. You get your procrastinating arse over here and you work!' Niall yells after Stella while she's walking down the hall, Harry following like a puppie

'I have it under control Niall!' then she slams the door. She kicks off her shoes and tears off her clothes and jumps into bed, deepening herself in the covers.

She feel's Harry slide under the covers next to her a moment later

'You really should be working' Harry mumbles before yawning.

'Work talk later, sleep now'

-

It's 2:30am when Stella wakes up. She's cold and groggy but she has a moment of panick.

'Oh my god' she says into her quiet flat, she feels Harry stir next to her.

Stella checks her phone and see's a stream of messages from kelly and one from Niall saying he's going out.

Stella get's out of bed and goes into the bathroom, she's fully awake and feels like she could run a few miles of how much energy she has. She brushes her teeth and puts her hair up before leaving the bathroom quietly trying not to wake Harry.

She goes into her painting room and turns on the big ceiling lights so all the room is brightend. Every portfolio and every photo she has ever tooken from Uni to Now is in yellow folders, plus a whole bunch of photo's Deena sent her. Stella makes herself a cup of tea and get's a mini pie before plugging in her phone to the stereo. She put's on the playlist she used to listen to back in Uni, then sit's on the floor infront of her Mac desktop (since she doesnt have a desk yet) and starts to look through the folders.

-

At around 6am Harry come's into the room with wild fluffy curls and furrowed eyebrows.

'What's this then?' he asks sitting next to Stella on the floor, he's warm like Stella's bed.

'Getting my shit done Styles' she murmurs her voice a bit croaky from not speaking for many hours.

'Why so early?' he asks leaning against her shoulder

'Woke up earlier, couldnt sleep so I decided to just you know, work' Stella says, pushing her glasses up further on her nose. She stuck them on a hour into working, she could feel her eyes burning. Since then she's copied every photo onto her computer and hung up her favorite on the wall with tacs (many of them pictures of Bethany), she's even gotten a vodka and orange juice in her.

'Ah I see.' Harry says looking through the piles of photo's all around Stella. 'Hungry?'

'she looks at him then and he's so beautiful.

'Want to grab breakfast?' Harry asks

'I'm good, I already ate.' Stella says and she feels like she just dismissed him so she turns and gives him a apoligetic look 'Sorry i'm just..swamped'

Harry nods and shruggs looking down at his hands so Stella continues 'I thought it wouldnt be this much but it is, I have so many things to sort through and things to read and input- it's exhausting'

'I know, It's alright babe. I'll just chill in here if thats alright?'

'Yeah, yeah of course.' Stella says looking back at the screen. Harry kisses her cheek and gets up to lay on the small couch across the room.

After a few minutes Stella feels Harry slide up behind her, she turns to look behind her and she see's him laying on his stomach looking through all her photo's.

'God I remember this' Harry says holding up a picture of there group of friends from many years ago. 'I remember this halloween party so clear, we got lost trying to get to this party. We used Calum's van.' Stella smiles at the fond memory

'I also remember gettin into a fight with someone, not really sure with who though' Harry says and Stella's smile fades, she remembers.

'It was with my boyfriend at the time. You were fighting over me I guess?' Stella says thankful she's got her back to him.

'Oh right I remember now, how shit that Halloween was'

'Yeah It was pretty shitty' Stella almost laughs

'Why was it for you?'

'Because, you left and said some pretty horrible things to me'

'I dont remember'

Stella rolls her eyes 'dont play dumb, dont act like you didnt tell me to _stop being fake_ '

'I never said that!' Harry says and Stella turns around then and glares at him

 _'I thought you were gonna stop with this fake act, yeah?'_ Stella mimicks; her voice deeper

Harry doesnt say anything and Stella feel's fire well up in her 'You were a right prick' she mumbles

'I didnt mean it!' he defends

Stella rolls her eyes and turns back around to her computer 'Yeah you never mean anything, do you'

'Whats that supposed to mean' Harry snaps this time

'You know exactly what I mean. Everytime you said something that gutted me, it's always _I didnt mean it_. That's such bullshit'

'It's not like you havent said things that hurt me before, stop acting like your always the victim, Stella. I was hurting to' he snarls and Stella is loosing herself.

'Oh shut up! I'm fucking sorry that I left you for weeks on end and that I was fucking around and making you feel like absolute shit!'

'That isnt what happend-'

'Yes that is what fucking happend! Own up to your bullshit once in awhile yeah?' Stella is spitting bullets at him now. Harry get's up then and is leaving out the door before stopping to look at her

'I said I was sorry for all of that, alright? Stop living in the past' then he slams the door and Stella feels tears welling up in her eyes, she pulls her knee's to her chest and tries to keep her breathing even. She feels weak and horrible, so she sits up and sucks it up.

-

An hour later Harry and Stella still havent talked and havent even seen each other since there argument. But Stella soon leaves the safety of her painting/office room because she has to pee and she feels guilty.

Harry is right Stella kept thinking, Stella does live in the past and she realizes that now. She's always thinking about what had happend in her past with her mum, her dad, Bethany and even him. It hurt her back then and she continues to let it hurt her now even if she doesnt want it to. She wants to let it go, but it's like the pain will come up when she's about to fall asleep or when she'll see something that reminded her of something that killed her when she was a teenager.

When Stella leaves the bathroom she passes the living room and see's Harry laying on the couch in the living room. He's on his back with his arms above his head and his eyes are closed but Stella can tell he isnt asleep. So she walks to wear he's laying down and lays on top of him as gently as she can.

There hearts feel like ther aligned and Stella wraps her arms around his neck and buries her head into his collerbone

'I'm sorry' she mumbles kissing his collerbone, Harry's strong arms wrap around her back and he kisses the side of her head.

'Me to'

'Your right you know. I do live in the past and I hate it' Stella says her voice cracking.

'It's alright, everyone does. You just cant let it take up your life, dont let it change you'

Stella nods trying to blink away the tears. They lay there for a little while, Stella tracing over his two swallow tattoo's until her phone rings from inside the painting room.

Stella get's up with a groan and isnt surprised at all that it's Kelly.

'Hi, Kelly'

'Stella, what the fuck? I have been trying to reach you all morning!'

'I know I'm sorry' Stella says rubbing her hand over her face suddenly very tired. 'I have been working on my project, it's alot more then I thought'

'Ah I see. Well you have another public outing to attend, I'll send a car at around 8'

'What do I have to do this time?'

'You have a fashion show to go to. Just a small one for Burberry, and your front row'

'Oh jeez okay, can I bring a plus one?'

'You can actually Harry preferbly, alot of the girls have taken a liking to him. They think he's adorable and cute'

'Well shit. Maybe I wont then, I dont want Harry out in the public eye like that.'

 _'It isnt that big of a deal Stella, the people like Harry but they love the both of you together more'_ Stella's eyes widen at this _'People want a relationship like the two of your's, they say it's relationship goals'_

'Where the fuck is this coming from? I havent even seen anything on the two of us, or even me'

'Look up your name, and maybe visit the shop's once in awhile, yeah?'

'Yeah, yeah. Okay thank you Kelly, I'll call you when were on the way to the show'

'Okay have fun and behave! I dont want to see you drinking Stella Courage'

'Dont worry _mum_ I'll be on my best behavor'

 _'Good, talk to you later darling. And dress fancy!'_ Kelly hangs up then and Stella for the first time since Uni googles herself.

She finds many candid HD photo's of herself walking or leaving somewhere. She also finds photo's of Harry holding Stella's hand or the two of them laughing or talking. It's really strange seeing herself and Harry talked about in the media. She doesnt show Harry though, there's still a bit of tension from there fight and she doesnt want another argument to happen. Maybe Harry doesnt even want to be papped like that, or even in the media at all.

She leaves the painting room when she's done searching herself, Niall is laying on the couch across from Harry and he looks very hung over

'Nice night?' Stella asks sitting on the small love seat across from them

'Eh, I've had better'

'Better? You look like shit mate' Harry interject with a smile, Niall flips him off

'Well I just got a call saying I'm invited to a Burberry fashion show'

'Did you?' Harry asks a bit excited

'I did yeah, would you maybe want to acompany me young Harold?'

'Hmm I dont know, I have to check my schedule' he mocks with a stupid grin that make's Stella's heart swell

'What about you Niall? Fashion show?'

'Nah you guys go ahead, I'm gonna hang out here. Sleep, eat, maybe have a beer'

'Let me know if you change your mind, yeah?' Stella gets up then and ruffles Niall's hair 'were getting picked up at 8 so be ready Styles' Stella says pointing at Harry while walking into the kitchen

'Wait what am I going to wear!' Harry shouts manically and Stella hears Niall laugh uncontrollably

'You and Niall go to the shops or something' Stella says pouring herself some apple juice

'Niall doesnt have any sense of fashion!' Harry exclaims coming into the kitchen and then there's Niall in the kitchen looking like a angry chipmunk

'You cunt!' he shouts and Harry giggles to himself

'I have work to do! Niall please go with Harry, I'll give you extra money to buy snacks or beer or whatever to eat when I'm gone' Stella offers

'Alright, alright. I'll go with the diva, but an hour tops'

'An hour tops' Harry says crossing his heart.

-

Niall and Harry leave around 1 to go to the shops and dont come back until 4. Harry stumbles in with 3 shopping bags and Niall after him with two paper bags in his arms.

Stella is sitting on the couch with her macbook doing some editing of one of her photo's 'Jesus I thought an hour tops!'

'Got a bit carried away I guess' Harry shruggs setting his bags down

'Yeah I can see' Stella says getting up to see whats in the bags but Harry stands infront of her like a brick wall

'No, no cant see till I'm wearing it' he pushes Stella back even though she's fighting so hard to see. They end up wrestling around on the floor laughing and screaming

'Hey, hey! Cars gonna be here in a few hours!' Niall shouts coming into the living room with a sandwhich in one hand and a beer in the other

'Right, right okay. I'm gonna shower' Stella says finally able to get up from Harry's attacking body.

-

After Stella has taken a shower and put on comfortable clothes just to get ready in Niall come's in her room. He runs and jumps on her big bed and Stella is to deep into her makeup for her to care. She's leaning over her vanity and into the light of her mirror working on her eye shadow and mascara when Niall says it.

'Amber is pregnant again' he says like he's talking about a new dog he's just gotten. Stella nearly stabs herself in the eye

'What?' she almost whispers, Stella feels like a fool with one eye blended into perfection and the other bare but she doesnt care

'Liam has just texted me saying Amber is preganant and the father doesnt want anything to do with the child at all' the intensity of Niall's blue eyes and the whole grasp of this news is making Stella stressed.

'Oh my god' she leans her head on her hand. She feels bad for Amber and she wants to call her, she wants to fucking _fly_ back to London to comfort her like she comforted Stella when she was having a hard time. But Stella wont, she wont because her pride is so much more important to her. That's probably why so many people left her life in the first place.

'You should call her, she could use someone right now. She could really use her sister' Niall comments, Stella goes back to her makeup.

'I have to think about it, she's probably with our mum anyway. I doubt she needs me. I doubt she even wants to speak to me'

'That's not true, Stella. You know it isnt' Niall says sternly demanding eye contact but Stella wont give in

'Oh what do I know? I left her for New York, look I really dont want to talk about it, okay?' Stella says finally looking at him hard 'But thanks for telling me anyway Ni, I appreciate it.'

'Yeah, sure.' he says getting up and Stella thinks he might be a bit upset with her 'You should call her though'

'Maybe I will' she says finally 'love you'

Niall closes the door but shouts it back from the hallway anyway.

-

When Stella is finally ready, dressed in a long sleeved short black dress that's lace at the top and a black velvet skirt at the bottom. It's a really beautiful dress and it's probably the love of Stella's life. She paired it with black classic with red on the bottom Louis Vuitton heels, her eye makeup is dark and smoky with dark burgendy lips. While her hair is up in a neat curly ponytail, with sparkly hoops to acomidate.

When she leaves her bedroom with her clutch and shoes in hand, Harry is in the living room wearing a crisp white button up and a new dark blue almost black blazer with black tight jeans with a leather belt and brand new black leather boots. His hair is in a perfect quif type thing and he just looks so wonderful.

Harry looks at Stella then and he almost looks in shock before he grins at her. He walks towards her and wraps his arm around her waist before cupping her cheek

'Your going to outshine every model there' he says quietly just for the two of them and it's like Stella is complete in this very moment. He kisses her forehead then and Stella gets handfuls of the front of his blazer and pulls herself up on her tip toes and looks up at him when she hears a camera sound go of.

'Wow that one was beautiful, so real. God damn' Niall says grinning and Stella laughs looking at him when he takes another. 'Alright kids serious this time'

Stella and Harry stand close together and grin while Niall takes the picture. 'Aw so cute, my two little babys all grown up. God I could just cry' Niall exclaims while fake crying and Stella laughs and goes over to hug him

'Sure you dont want to come?' Stella asks a final time

'No, no i'm fine you two go. Go on your car is probably outside' he says shooing them out of the door. Stella slips on her heels before they leave out of the door, her arm interwined with Harry's.

'Ready?' he asks once they get into the elavator

Stella nods holding him close 'Yeah'

-

It's around 2am when Harry and Stella leave the fashion show after party. There's still paparazzi surrounding them and the light of there flashes is nearly blinding Stella, not to mention she's buzzed. Harry is guiding her through the flashing lights along with a security and it's horribly hectic, she keeps her face down and hopes she doesnt fall over.

There's a black car waiting for them, Stella climbs in after Harry her eyes arent burning from the lights anymore.

'Jesus there fucking annoying' Stella says pulling her pony tail out and scratching her head before pulling it into a bun 'I'm tired'

'I know love were going home now' Harry says just as Stella puts her head against his shoulder. 'I'm sorry theres a billion people talking about you and me on the internet, i'm sorry there's probably going to be photo's of you on the internet tommrow morning'

Harry laughs 'It's okay love, remember what I said? As long as your in the pictures with me I dont care' Harry says and Stella's eyes are closed and she's on the verge of sleep 'It's for you, everything is for you'

Those are the last words she hears before she falls asleep, on Harry's shoulder.

　


	22. twenty two

Stella is on the very verge of tears. Her presentation is due on Friday morning and it's wendsday night, and she's got a little more than halfway done. She's been working hard on it but between public outings, paying attention to the rest of her life and doing daily things like eating, sleeping, watering her plants and cleaning she's kind of overwhelmed. Even when Harry or Niall makes her take breaks on it she's constantly thinking about how much needs to get done. Not to mention how _nervous_ she is for this presentation, she practices on what she's gonna say infront of Harry, Kelly and Niall sometime's but she's always fumbling over her words. She's stuttering or forgetting what she has to say.

Everything is slowly getting to her, and the worst thing about it is that Harry is one of the problems. He's always hinting at Stella about moving back to London, about how great there life is going to be in the future together. The thing though that eats away at Stella is she isnt sure she wants that, she isnt sure she can handle another break up. If she does end up getting this huge promotion she cant leave? Her work is based in New York and her career is really just getting started, her life now is in New York while Harry's is in London.

She doesnt try to think about there complicated relationship to much because she has to focus on finishing her project. She's been in her pajama's all day even when she took a shower she changed into her pj's. Stella is currently sitting on the floor in her painting room hunched over her desktop when Kelly come's in with four long plastic bags in her hands.

'Whats that?' Stella ask's not looking up at Kelly still concentrated on her editing.

'Just some outfit's that I picked out for your presentation'

Stella turns around then and stands up stretching. Kelly takes off the first bag and there's long black slacks and a lowcut white shirt. There's a belt hanging off the hanger as well and Kelly take's a pair of black pumps out of a bag she must have brought with her.

'Option 1' she says, then moves over to the next bag wich is a simple tight fitted black dress with nude heels. She then proceeds to show Stella the rest and really all the choices are quiete lovely but the last options is her favorite. It's a grey short pencil skirt with a white top, there's a black blazer that goes over it along with some jewelry. But her favorite part is the chanel purse that Kelly has brought along with her and Stella cant deny she is a sucker for bags.

'Thank you there all lovely' Stella says hugging Kelly then sitting back down to her computer.

'Harry and Niall still out?' Kelly asks sitting on the couch across the room from her flipping through a folder of photo's that are laying next to her.

'Yeah' Stella replys not looking at her 'went grocery shopping for me'

'So are you really going back to London with Harry?' Kelly drops the bomb and it hit's Stella like a brick. She stops typing and blinks really thinking about the answer.

'Dunno' is all she ends up replying not looking at Kelly 'I mean I want to but my life is in New York now. I cant just drop everything' Stella feels the weight of it all suddenly. She love's Harry, so much. And them leaving each other again is going to crush Stella again, but it's for the best.

'Are you sure it's the best descion?' Kelly asks just what Stella was thinking 'You shouldnt deny yourself what you want most, Stella. If you have a love then hold it for as long as you can' Kelly says then gets up to leave.

Stella doesnt go back to work when Kelly leaves. She just sits at her computer and stares at the pictures of her and Bethany that scatter the wall.

'I wish you were here with me' Stella mumbles feeling tears well up in her eyes 'I wish you were here to help me, to be with me again' Stella says into the empty room. She lets a few tears fall before wiping them away because she hears Niall and Harry have come back from the market. She doesnt know how long she was sitting there, it could have been 10 minutes or 2 hours

But not 5 minutes later Harry walks through the door of her painting room and sits on the floor next to Stella. He lays down next to her before pulling Stella on top of him, so she's laying on him. He hugs her and she put's her face in his collerbone breathing his scent in.

'I miss Bethany' Stella says finally with a heavy heart. 'I wish she was here with me, I wish she never left, _god i miss her she's my bestfriend'_ Stella says crying now. She feels the sobs racking her body and it hurts. She feels it hurting all over again.

'Shhhh, I know I'm sorry' Harry coo's hugging her tighter 'I dont know why things like this happen' he mumbles kissing her head.

They lay there until Stella's cries fade away and even after there gone they still lay there.

'Are you almost done with your project?' Harry asks

'Yeah, I think I'm gonna finish the rest tommrow though. I'm tired'

'Good Idea. Come on, Niall and I bought stuff to make dinner tonight.' Harry says getting up and pulling Stella up with him.

-

Stella spent the rest of the night with Kelly, Hary and Niall. She ate properly for the first time in a week and actually engaged in conversation. She felt alot better then she did a few hours before and she's so thankful for her friends. Kelly goes home at around 8 feeling tired and very pregnant, while Niall, Harry and Stella all spread out on the couch and watch some action movie Niall picked out.

But about half way in the movie Stella's phone rings and Stella is so happy to see that it's Zayn calling her.

So she stops out into the cold air of the balcony and answers.

 _'Hello?'_ Zayn's end is a bit staticy but then it's quiet and Stella could almost cry she misses him so much.

'Zayn hi' Stella says grinning so wide

'Hi love how are you?'

'I'm good, I miss you'

'I miss you to, I was thinking about you actually. Havent heard from you in awhile'

'I know, It's just alot has been going on right now, I've been busy'

'I can see I've seen you on the front cover of a bloody magazine Stella! You and Harry are laughing in a fuckin park or somethin, made the cover of The Sun.'

Stella laughs 'I know, I'm getting pretty big Malik, better start bowing down'

'To you? Not a chance Courage. Your still a hoodrat to me'

'I'll always be your hoodrat' Stella says trying not to let the saddness creep into her voice

'So are you alright?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. We went through this already'

'No I mean are you really alright'

'Oh. I mean- I guess. Things with Harry are just a bit complicated and I havent spoken to Amber and this presentation is due in a day. I'm very overwhelemed. I want it all to go away' Stella blurts feeling her hands shake

'Hey love it's alright, what's going on with you and Harry? You two not speaking or what?'

'No we are, I'm so happy with him right now. I still love him Zayn, but I dont know if I could do it again y'know?'

'Yeah, I could understand that but have you ever thought why you keep coming back together again? I remember when ever you two werent speaking back in Uni you would always run into him, you would always see him when you didnt want to. It's fate Stella, you two are meant to be together and that day when he was an assistant on a last minute shoot that you were modeling for, that's fucking fate! Your meant to be together'

'Zayn come on.' Stella says trying to keep the swelling of her heart down 'That's, that's unrealistic'

'Believe what you want Stella but I think you know more about what the Universe gives'

And Stella does know that because the Universe always tends to shit on her.

'Yeah I guess that makes sense, I dont know. I have to think. Anways how's Amber'

'Not good, she's having a hard time right now. Did you know she's pregnant?'

'Yeah I heard'

'The father wants nothing to do with Amber and the baby. He's already fucked off as well'

'Who's the dad?'

'Some bloke that Amber's been seeing for 2 months. They were just getting serious and then this happens'

'Fuck, that's such shit. I want to call her I really do. But it's just complicated'

'She's your sister Stella, you dont have to say anything just as long as your there with her will make her feel better. A fucking hug would help'

'I suppose. Anyway whats up with you Zayn' Stella asks wanting to change the subject

'Eh same, Perrie want's a baby'

Stella almost chokes on her spit 'A baby?'

'Yeah, she wants to try when she gets a break from modeling'

'You dont sound so excited'

'Well I mean I want a child, I really do. But I'm still so young, I just- I dont know if I'm ready'

'Zayn listen to me, your going to be the greatest father you know that? You and Perrie should talk about it more, yeah? Understand each other more and really get to know what you want, know what I mean? Let me know though.'

'For sure babes. I gotta go though, Stells. I'm supposed to pick up me mum from the train station in 10.'

'Oh okay, I'll talk to you later then?'

'Yeah, take care of yourself. When all this bussiness and meeting stuff is over I want to see you. I love you, Stella'

'I'll visit soon, Zayn. I love you too'

They mumble a bye then and the line goes dead.

Stella stays outside a little longer, staring out into the city lights. She thinks about what Zayn had said about fate, she doesnt want to believe it but it's hard not to.

 


	23. twenty three

The next morning Stella sits up feeling frantic. She whips around and looks at the clock, it's half ten on a thursday. She takes a deep breath and lays back, she thought it was the morning of her presentation.

'What's wrong?' Harry mumbles beside her

'Thought today was Friday' Stella mumbles closing her eyes, Harry rolls over and intertwines there legs putting his hand over her waist

'It's Thursday go back to sleep' his voice is hoarse and groggy but Stella listens anyway.

-

It's 12 when Stella wakes up again and this time she doesnt go back to sleep. Harry is still asleep when she slips out of bed to go to the bathroom, she brushes her teeth and puts her hair up then makes her way into the kitchen.

Niall is asleep as well so she makes herself a cup of tea and goes into the painting room. She doesnt plan on leaving until she's actually done with her work. She's only got a little bit left, just some photo importing and some editing to finish. So she opens the window and put's on some Ed Sheeran and get's to work.

-

It's 5pm when Stella is finally _done._ After editing and importing and typing and researching and practicing and looking through every photo she's ever taken twice and double checking her whole presentation 5 times and having Harry check it twice _and_ having Niall read through it at least once she's finally _done._ She even practiced and wrote what she's gonna say on index cards and put the presentation on 3 flashdrives just incase she might loose one of them. Stella even organized her photo's by dates to show the clients her actuall photos. She did all of this in the span of 5 hours and when she leaves the painting room for good, her bag packed with photo's and 3 flashdrives and her computer turned off she feels a weight lift off her shoulder.

Harry and Niall are lounging on the couch playing fifa when she enters, they both look up and Stella nods smiling.

'YEESSSSS!!!' Niall shrieks getting up and jumping on Stella 'FINALLY STELLA IS BACK LETS GET DRUNK!!' he shouts excitedly and Stella laughs and hugs him back tightly. When Niall lets go and runs to his room to get shoes Harry come's over then.

'So your really done? For good?' he says smiling, holding her hips tightly

'Yes, I'm a free women' Stella laughs, she pulls him in by his t-shirt then. They kiss hard and sloppy but it makes Stella's heart soar. They pull apart then and Niall come's in the living room with a coat on and converse on his feet.

'Come on kids, lets go get some booze!' he says excitedly

Stella and Harry race down the hall, Stella pulls on some jeans and a big hootie and even wraps a scarf around her neck along with her vans. While Harry pulls on jeans as well with a coat and his boot's, he pulls a beenie over his curls as well.

-

'God it feels so good to be outside' Stella says like she hasnt been outside in 3 months 'My New York, I missed you' she yells looking up at the tree's and tall buildings. It's very cold at this time but Stella doesnt care, she feels so happy.

They go to the small liquour store around the corner and fills up the mini basket with beer and hard liquours. Stella even pays for it all.

When they get back to the flat they immediatly start drinking and Stella know's not to have alot of alcohal because of her presentation in the morning but then Niall put's on his 90's remix trap music and all of her cautions are gone. Niall even invited some fucking _friends_ over and now theres 40+ people in Stella's flat drinking and dancing dirtily in her living room. But the thing is Stella doesnt care, the painting room is very locked and she has a Harry Styles behind her holding her hips while she grinds back into him. The lights are low in her apartment and this is her first party at this flat and it all feels so good to her. The music is loud and the people are even louder, so Stella doesnt put down the bottle of Jameson and keeps dancing and keeps drinking.

At around 1am Harry comes to were Stella is, she's talking with some hippies who are smoking in a cirle on the balcony. She doesnt take any weed she's just having some drunken conversation.

That is until Harry brings her back into the living room and kisses her roughly and hungirly against the wall and there's one thing on Stella's mind that she's been craving for so long. She's denied herself long enough, so she leads Harry up the stairs and into her bedroom. Thankfully there's no one inside so they clumsily fall onto the bed and continue to kiss more heatidly.

Then they start to undress and Stella's mind is full of fog but she wants this, she really does. So when Harry asks on serious note if this is what she wants she of course says yes. She's to drunk to even remember her phone number, so they continue to shed there clothes. Stella holds Harry close to her fearing this moment will leave her forever.

-

A loud noise is screaming in her ear, Stella opens her eyes and everything is very blurry. Her head is pounding in pain and something under her pillow is yelling.

It's her phone, and the alarm is going off for her meeting which starts in an hour. Shit.

'Shit!' Stella shouts loudly falling out of bed completly naked, she looks down at herself then looks at Harry who is still sound asleep and is completly naked 'Shit!' she shouts again. She races to her bathroom and takes a quick shower, she does her makeup even quicker and decides to leave her hair natural and curly. Deciding just to clip a piece back.

'What's going on?' Harry asks coming into the bathroom where Stella is finishing her makeup just in her bra and underwear.

'My fucking meeting is in 40 minutes! Fuck' Stella says holding her head 'I'm so stupid, fuck' she almost starts to cry

'Why are you stupid?' Harry asks following her into the closet. The outfit she picked is hanging and she pulls on her white shirt quickly

'The party and me drinking and I have a _horrible headache_. Who's Idea even was that party? I'm going to kill Niall fuck' she says rambling while buttoning up her shirt 'And you and me last night that was just the biggest-'

'The biggest what?' Harry says a bit angrier now

'Nothing' Stella mumbles pulling up her skirt and zipping it

'No tell me, do you regret it?' Harry asks sternly demanding eye contact but Stella wont give in. She doesnt answer, she just searches through her many pairs of high heels and finds a suede black pair. She leaves the closet and goes into the bathroom again 'Answer me!' Harry says a bit louder following Stella around

'Yes I regret it! This was never sopposed to happen, we were sopposed to make up as in just friends, then you go back to London and I stay here' Stella snaps wincing at Harry's hurt expression

'So your not going back to London' he asks slowly and Stella turns away looking back into the mirror applying dark marroon lipstick

'No I'm not. I'm staying in New York, this is where my life is now I'm not just gonna drop everything for you. I did it once and it was a big mistake, and I wont make it again.' Stella tries not to sound weak, like every word isnt ripping her apart. She passes Harry and goes to her painting room, she unlocks it and pulls her bag over her shoulder and makes sure her flashdrive is in place.

'When are you going to come after me, for once?' Harry asks at the doorway, Stella turns to look at him. He looks so crushed and it breaks her again.

She doesnt answer, just passes him and walks towards the front door, she stands by the door and slips her heels on and she's ready to leave.

'So this is it?' Harry says only in his underwear 'I'll leave back to London and you'll stay here in this big flat by yourself'

Stella nods 'Yeah, I'm sorry Harry really-'

'You know dont even, you could have told me before that you didnt want anything to do with me anymore. Last night it was-'

'It was what? Harry we were both drunk, and dont think this doesnt hurt me also. I love you Harry, I really do, but this-' Stella closes her eyes and tries not to let any tears slip 'this is for the better, I cant keep wondering if it's gonna work out. I wont put myself through that again. I'm 22 with a great career, I'm happy here. Please except that' Stella says with a shaky voice. She kisses his cheek and turns to leave out of the door.

But Harry catches her arm just as she's out of the door. 'So what we never talk again? Were just out of each other's lives again? I cant do that, Stella. Dont you get it? I choose you over anything, I always fucking choose you'

Stella's cheeks are wet then, she just turns to leave and when the door clicks behind her, she feels the same pain she felt when Bethany had passed. Her chest is tight as she walks to the elavator and it's _so hard,_ walking away from him is always the hardest but it's for the best right?

-

She makes it just in time for her meeting and everyone is already sitting when Stella gets there. She apoligizes for her lateness and gets on with it.

'These are some of my first photo's I have taken when I was University' Stella says clicking to the first photo and of fucking course it's a really artsy photo of Bethany and Harry. 'Erm these are my best friends, Bethany and Harry. They were always so willing to help me' Stella say and get's a laugh out of the clients wich boost's Stella's confidence.

She's already been talking for a good 5 minutes when something so unexspected happens. Bethany suddenly appears, sitting right infront of Stella at the table, no one else ovbiously can see her. It causes Stella to stop talking suddenly and she looks at the person she misses the most.

Her long beautiful auburn hair is in a braid and she's wearing a sun dress that she has so many of. It's like she never left.

'You know Stella, you deny yourself so much' Bethany starts

'Stella? You alright?' Deena asks from the other end of the long table

'Yeah sorry' Stella says trying to snap out of it, she says one more sentance before Bethany starts to talk again.

'You think denying yourself will make you a happier better person. But I am here to tell you that isnt true.' she get's up and stands infront of Bethany 'If you let him walk out of your life this time he wont ever come back, Stella. I'm telling you right now that you two are soulmates, and I know you dont believe in shit like that but I would know right?' Bethany grins and a tear slips down Stella's cheek and fuck she must look so crazy right now.

'Everything is so much better with the love of your life around, am I right? So you have a choice, you can stay here,' and Stella suddenly looks out into the people and it's like there frozen. No one is moving and the whole world has stopped except for Bethany and Stella. 'Or you can go after Harry and _for once_ do what your fucking heart tells you to. Jesus christ Stella, go talk to Amber, give her a hug and kiss her and tell her you love her. Same with your mum, life is to short to be angry and have regrets. Swallow your pride and be vulnerbul just this once, for me okay?' Bethany hugs Stella then and she can feel her, she smells the same. So Stella wraps her arms around her shoulder and holds her. 'I miss you to by the way. I'm always watching, I'm always around. You are never alone you hear me? Now go get em'

Stella nods, Bethany kisses her cheek and then she's gone.

'Stella? Stella are you alright?' Kelly is standing right in front of her and the world isnt frozen anymore.

'I'm sorry, I have something I need to do' she says like it's the last words she'll ever speak, she walks towards the door but Deena catches her arm

'Please dont do this, you'll blow it'

'Some things are more important than promotions' Stella says grabbing her bag before fast walking towards the elavotors. Then it's Kelly with her big belly shouting after her, Stella doesnt wait though. She's frantic and her hands are shaking. As soon as she get's down to the lobby she almost runs outside, she climbs into a cab that's waiting on the side walk and she immdietly tells the cabbie to get her to the airport as fast as possible.

She calls Niall then

'Niall!' she shrieks

'Stella what the fuck is going on!? Harry just left to the airport! He's going back to London what happend?'

'I'll explain later, when did he leave?'

'Like 10 minutes ago why? What's going on-'

Stella hangs up on him and shuts her phone off and putting it into her bag. Of course there's tons of traffic but the cabbie weaves through it and parks infront of the airport entrance, Stella gets out of the cab and hands him a twenty but when she gets a good look at the driver, it's fucking Bethany.

She just winks at Stella and Stella grins and turns and almost runs into the airport.

There are so many fucking people and Stella has tears streaming down her cheeks now thinking she's to late. She reads the tv's looking at the flights to London and there's one that's boarding now. So Stella slips off her black high heels and fucking _runs_ to the loading area but she doesnt see him. There's swarms of people surrounding her and her hair is a mess and she's having an anxiety attack thinking she's to late but then she see's him.

Out of the swarms of people around her she see's him walking towards a flight of stairs and maybe Zayn was right. It is fate.

Stella pushes through all of the people and she's shouting his name over and over again until he finally turns. And just as he does Stella jumps into his arms.

'I love you, Harry Styles. I love you and It's you, It's always been you. At 2am or 6 in the fucking afternoon. It's you' Harry's holding her up and she kisses him like he might dissapear. He kisses back just as hard and there's hundreds of people moving around them but Stella doesnt care. She doesnt care because this boy in her arms is the love of her life and she wants him to know that. He's probably gone so long thinking he was unloved by her but always, 24 fucking 7 he was loved by Stella Courage and she fucking _tells him that._

Eventually they move from the middle of the airport to the side where there's sitting area's.

'I love you' she says hugging him close

'I love you to, Stella. I always have and i always will' he says, he cups her cheeks and wipes away the tears that Stella cant seem to stop shedding. He kisses her then and it's like everything is coming into place. All the missing pieces that have Stella feeling so lonely and sad are back and she's whole again, she feels like a weight has lifted off of her shoulders.

She's finally lived up to her name _Courage_ Stella always had courage she could stand up to anyone and take a hit. But she was never couragious like this, never let herself be vulnerable for love or for anyone. She did this time though and it feels _good._

So fucking good and it's all thanks to Bethany, her life saver and her sun.

-

They take a taxi home and thank god Harry hadnt bought a plane ticket yet. He forgave Stella for the things she's done to push him away and this is there way of starting over.

Once at the flat Niall is in the living room eating a bowl of cereal pacing

'What the fuck!??' he shouts when he see's them

'Long story short, but were all going back to London' Stella says and yes this is true. Stella is going to visit London but is coming back to New York while they stay, but just for a little while. Stella plans on buying a flat in London and maybe working for the same company if Deena will have her back.

She explains this all to Niall and Kelly when she comes back to Stella's flat confused and stressed. Stella apologizes and tells her it was something she just had to do.

'I would have done the same thing, I'm proud of you Stella' she says and Stella gives her a big hug.

Harry holds her hand the hole time and this time Stella know's it's going to work out.

-

Later that evening at around midnight Harry and Stella decide to go to sleep since they have a early flight in the morning, at around 9. They sleep close together in Stella's big bed and she's so happy.

'I love you' Stella tells him and she feels Harry grin against her neck

'I love you to, Stella.' he replys 'You know I dont know what I would do without you, your the excitement in my life'

Stella's eyes are watering but she doesnt want Harry to know that 'Oh shut up you sap' she answers fondly

'This is it? This is the time were everything will be okay?' Stella asks squeezing him tighter

'Yeah, I promise. You and me forever'

 


	24. twenty four

Stella, Niall and Harry catch there flight to London the next morning and Stella is going to London for a final time before living there. In the time she's going to be staying she will hopefully get a flat and be on good terms with her sister again.

And you know that's the thing she's most nervous about.

When Stella was 15 and Amber was 17 they went on a vacation with there family to Hawaii. They were there for about 2 weeks and during those two weeks Amber was horribly sad, she had just broken up with her third boyfriend _that same month_ and she was very down. She wouldnt even go into the water with Stella, she would sit on the beach and look emotionless. Stella would always go far into the ocean with her cousins, she loved the ocean and the waves, she was never afraid.

Until one day Stella was sitting in her room of the beach house her parents rented, she was looking out the open window trying to paint the scenery she saw before her. That's when she saw a figure jump off the cliff that were alinging the ocean high above the water. This wasnt abnormal alot of people went cliff diving but this time it was Amber jumping off, she watched her hit the water and looked for her to come above water. She never did. So Stella immediatly bolted up and jumped out of her window onto the warm sand, she ran all the way to the water and all the way through the water.

She swam under waves, and dived all the way down and grabbed Amber's slowly sinking body. She was heavy but Stella swam back to shore; her muscles and lungs burning for air. Once on the shore Stella beat her hands against he sisters chest, and blew air into her mouth begging her to wake up.

When she finally did coughing up water, Stella started to yell at her in hysteria. Tears were flowing down her face and she never felt that scared in her entire life, she has never felt that way _ever_.

Stella didnt talk to Amber the whole rest of the trip and for another 2 weeks after the trip. But she loves her sister, she's the most important person in her life, they grew up together and experianced everything together that's why she was so afraid of loosing her. So when Stella saw she wasnt breathing she felt her world crashing down, she didnt want to be left alone.

Stella feels guilt thread through her now on the plane ride to London, she left her sister alone this time. But she's going to make it right this time, she wont leave until she does.

-

Stella goes to see Zayn first, needing a calm before the storm. It's snowing in London so she's got on a black sweater with her green parka, and tights and doc martens. Kelly has braided her hair before she left for her flight the morning of. Stella knocks on his door and wait's along with Harry and Niall for him to answer.

Perrie answers instead and her face turns from shocked to excited in a second. She pulls Stella into a tight hug while she squels, Stella is so happy to see her. She's so happy to be here.

'So good to see you love!' Perrie shouts letting go of her to let them in 'Zayn's in the living room' she says giving a hug to Niall

Stella takes her jacket off and hangs it on the hook by the door and makes her way to the living room in this house she know's so well.

Zayn is sitting on the couch doodling in his sketch pad while his and Perries dog sleeps next to him. God it feels like a few lifetimes since she's seen him again like this.

Stella clears her throat and when Zayn looks up she grins at him, he gasps and get's up smiling so big.

'Stella!' he says engulfing her into a bear hug

'Zayn!' she shouts back holding him close with her arms 'I missed you' she mumbles into his shoulder

'Missed you to, been wondering when you were gonna get back' he mumbles against her hair. Stella has a few tears slipping out of her eyes

'Why do I always cry when we reunite?' Stella says almost laughing

'Oh love' he laughs pulling her in for another hug 'Dont leave for so long anymore' he mumbles. They let go of each other, and Stella wipes her face thanking herself for not wearing any makeup. Harry, Niall and Perrie are sitting on the couch now, Nialls drinking beer and Harry is having water, there all chatting letting Zayn and Stella have there moment.

'I'm moving back out here again' Stella tells Zayn grinning wide at him 'I'm just here to make things right with Amber you know?'

'Yeah, good for you' Zayn says putting his hand on her shoulder. 'You need this and she really needs this, I'm glad your doing better, Stella' he gives her a smile and Stella nods giving him another hug

'Oi! Arent you two done hugging yet?' Niall shouts and Stella just flips him off. Harry snorts and Stella and Zayn break apart and Stella sit's inbetween Harry and Niall.

'So what brings you back?' Perrie asks

'She's moving here' Zayn asnwer's for her 'and she's got bussiness with her sister'

'Oh! You are! That's great! We've really missed you Stella' Perrie says

'Thanks, I've missed you all to. I mean I love New York and all but London is just my place to be'

'We should just take a trip to everyone's hometowns' Niall interjects 'None of you guys have been to Ireland, and I miss it'

'Aww Ni, we'll plan a trip for christmas or something' Stella promises. She then looks at the clock that's sitting atop the tv; it's half past 7 and Amber must be home by now? They talk a little bit longer about Harry and Niall's trip to the states, they end up leaving about 8. It's just Harry and Stella that leave though, Niall decides he's just gonna crash at there place since all his bags are already in the house. Kelly rented them a car to take them wherever during Stella's stay in London.

-

Stella is standing infront of Ambers door and she wont knock. Anxiety and guilt has replaced her blood and anger and sadness has replaced her heart. Finally Harry knocks for her complaining that it's bloody freezing, Amber opens the door a second later. She smiles at the sight of Harry but her smile immediatly falls at the sight of Stella.

Oh god.

She's queit for a moment obviously in shock of Stella showing up on her door step until finally she mumbles 'Come in' emotionless. Right when they walk in Alexa comes running up to Stella in footsie pajama's and Stella's heart swells at the sight of her. She's grown so much and her hair is big and curly just like her's when she was younger.

'Oh my baby!' Stella says picking her up and hugging her, she kisses her head over and over again 'Your so big now my love'

'Stella why have you been gone for so long? Mommy cant stop crying' she says innocently and Stella's heart sinks

'I know sweetheart but I'm here now, I'm gonna fix everything' Stella reasurres kissing her head again before putting her down. She looks up at Amber then and she looks so fucking tired and worn out. Like she was hit by a truck or something, she's leaning against the wall looking at Stella like she doesnt know who she is. She doesnt blame her.

Alexa jumps into Harry's arms next and they go into Alexa's room a second later, she's babbling about her new play set or something.

'Hi' Stella says walking into the house farther

'Your back' Amber answers going over to the couch and sitting, Stella follows but sits at the arm chair across from her.

'Yeah, just got in actually. Wanted to see you' she says gently

'Oh so now you want to see me?' Amber says bitteraly not meeting her eyes. 'What so your tired of running away from you problems?' Amber snaps at Stella.

Here we go

'You left me no choice, after you lied to my face and betrayed me I couldnt stay in the same country as you. I felt suffocated even being in the same time zone' Stella bites back feeling the anger she felt all those months ago when she found out. But then she remembers Bethany and what she had said and tries to calm down.

'Oh dont be so dramatic' Amber rolls her eys 'You were always so dramatic about everything.' she pauses

'I'm always so fucking dramatic because you make me be' Stella says getting more angrier 'What you did hurt me, Amber. You knew that I was _so_ looking forward to maybe seeing my dad again, you could have told me!' Stella shouts

'I couldnt, you seemed so happy and I just didnt want to ruin your good mood. Plus I thought it would be better if mom told you'

Stella almost laughs at that 'You think _she_ would make it any better? I was fucking _telling you_ how excited I was to finally have my father back in my life and you didnt have the ordacity to tell me? You could have told me before my hopes got so high, maybe he wasnt much of a dad for you but he was a dad for me.'

'Listen to me-'

' _No_ you listen to me, I have been wondering since I was ten why the fuck he left, what had I possibly done wrong? You lied to me Amber, you lied to my face and hid the truth from me, you new what you were doing. You still hate me like when we were younger'

'I dont hate you Stella-'

'Yes you do you hate me because I slept with your boyfriend, or its something I possibly couldnt understand right?-'

'Would you just _shut up!'_ Amber yells 'I'm not angry about any of that stuff, alright? That was a long time ago and I'm over it, I didnt want to ruin you, I figured mom would just tell you and it would be done with. You would cope and everything would be okay again'

'Well you were obvousily wrong again' Stella says calming down, she wipes her cheeks from fallen angry tears 'So many people have left my life, and I was really _really hoping_ he wouldnt be one of them' Stella says feeling the sadness creep back into her bones.

'I know and I'm sorry Stella. I really am sorry, you dont know how sorry I am.'

Stella nods, 'I know, It's okay. I forgive you, that's why I'm here to forgive. I'm done being afraid, especially of you'

'No it really isnt, I know how much he meant to you. He was more of your dad anyways, but you deserved to know.' Amber states her hands shaking. So Stella walks across the living room and sit's next to her sister on the couch

'I forgive you Amber, i'm not angry, not anymore. I was more hurt than anything, but I forgive you.'

Amber breaks down and cries then. Stella immediatly pulls her into her arms, Amber is sobbing in her shoulder shaking.

'Everything is so fucking hard' Amber cries 'I'm pregnant again, and the fucking father doesnt want anything to do with it!' Amber sobs. She pulls out of Stella's arms then suddenly infuriated. She gets up and starts to pace

'What the fuck is wrong with me!? Why dont any of my relationships fucking last? I dont want to be alone anymore, I just want my forever to come' she's hyrsterical and Stella get's up then

'Listen to me Amber, you dont need a relationship for happiness. You get attached to easily, you let him become your happiness and that's your first mistake. Trust me I learnt it the hard way'

'I dont think I could do it though, raising Alexa by myself was so hard. I cant handle another' Amber whimpers and Stella's heart is breaking at the sight of her sister

'Your not alone though, I'm here and I will always be here. If you want we can go and get an abortion right now, but I know you could do it. Your the strongest woman I know, dont let them faze you' Stella states holding her head in her hands 'I'm sorry I left you alone before, but it wont happen again. I will _always_ be there to pull you out of that damn ocean.'

Amber breaks down again and cries onto Stella's shoulder, Stella doesnt cry though she needs to be strong for the both of them.

'God Alexa had to deal with all my fucking emotional pain. She's the most important priority in my life and I let her be afraid.'

'Hey it's alright, Alexa is alright. She's strong just like her mum'

'Thank you Stella' Amber whispers a moment later

'This is what sisters are for right?' there still hugging but Stella doesnt mind.

When Amber is finally calm and she's sitting on the couch while Stella is in the kitchen making them tea Alexa comes running out of her room giving her a colored picture of a princess. Stella watches from the kitchen as Amber kisses her forehead and hugs her tight, Alexa doesnt know but Amber is telling her _I'm sorry_

Harry comes in the kitchen a moment later, he immediatly puts his arms around Stella and Stella holds him tight in there hug. She feels so relaxed when she's in his arms.

'You know your my girlfriend right?'

'Oh really I thought I was the boyfriend' Stella says sarcastically, Harry pinches her bum in retaliation

'Dont be sarcastic with me' Harry says trying to be stern but Stella just cracks up laughing. She yawns a second later so exhausted.

'Let's just crash here, yeah? I dont feel like going to another place'

'Alright love' Harry says kissing her forehead.

He leaves then to get there bags from the car and Stella sits back on the couch next to Amber.

'Is it okay if we crash here tonight?' Stella asks Amber

'Yay sleepover!' Alexa says happily, Stella laughs

'Of course love' Amber says and Alexa gets up and starts doing this weird dance and she's shouting sleep over. Stella laughs again louder and lays down, her hand on Ambers lap.

Just then Harry comes in, he drops the bags on the floor then and shivers dramatically and Alexa laughs uncontrollibly. Harry toes off his boots and runs to Alexa picking her up then swooping her back down so she's laughing even harder. He lays on the floor next to her then and Stella smiles fondly at them.

-

At around 2am in the morning Stella get's out of bed, Harry is sleeping soundly next to her. She woke up out of nowhere and couldnt go back to sleep so she decided to get up and find out why the living room light is on.

She pads to the living room and Amber is sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of something in front of her.

'Hey, what are you doing?' Stella ask's coming into the kitchen

'Oh, I couldnt sleep' Amber says and she looks horribly tired. Stella sit's across from her and study's her sisters features. She has dark circles under her eyes and she almost looks sick, her stomach is slowly growing and Stella can tell it's eating away at her.

'So you and Harry' Amber asks, Stella knew this conversation was bound to come up 'Finally worked it out?'

'Yeah, he came to New York and we decided to give it another go' Stella says with a shrug like it's no big deal but she cant quiet contain her grin

'Really? You could trust him after all that had happend?' Amber asks and Stella really hadnt thought about all that.

'Well I mean- I dont know.' Stella pauses to think 'I think if I think about the past so much when were together again it wont work out. I dont fully trust him just yet but I think with time I will. I'm ready to move on'

Amber sit's back in her chair and she's biting her lips thinking about something hard 'I dont think I'm gonna keep it'

Stella's eyes widen 'Your sure?'

All Amber does is nod 'Yeah, I'm not ready for another. I cant handle another, but at the same time I want to keep it. I want my baby to be happy, to make something of itself, you know?' Amber takes a breath 'But at the same time I dont want it to be born in this cruel, cruel world. I want it to be safe forever and never ever be exposed to heartbreak and pain' Amber is crying now, tears are slowly falling down her cheeks each time she blinks 'Maybe If I ever get married again or have a relationship that actually last I'll have another, but until then this baby is just a reminder of how much I'm going through'

'Or it could remind you of how strong you are, you know sometimes I feel like you dont give yourself enough credit. I dont know why your so afraid of being alone, when in reality your not' Stella says trying to keep her cool for both of there sake 'If you want to have the baby that's fantastic I'll be with you every step of the way. If not then I'll be here anyway'

'It isnt that easy, I cant just take care of another human when I cant even take care of myself. Poor Alexa is getting neglected because of me, the only reason she ever goes outdoors is because of my kind friends who take her out when I cant get out of bed' Amber's hands are shaking now

'Then get the abortion and recover, go back to work and learn to live again. Alexa need's her mum back' Stella reaches across the table and puts her hands over her sisters 'It's time to be okay again'

Amber nods and lets out a broken sob, Stella gets up and leans down and pulls her sister in for a hug.

Eventually Stella leads them to Amber's bed and they both crawl in. Stella holds her sister as they fall asleep.

 


	25. twenty five

The next morning Stella wakes up and she forgets where she is. She look's around the room and suddenly remember's she's at her sisters house and in her bed. Which is empty.

Stella rubs her eyes then gets out of bed and goes to the guest room across the hall, she opens the door and Harry is still asleep. She crawls in under the blankets and nuzzels herself under Harrys arms so her forhead is pressed against his chest. She presses her cold feet against his legs and he stirs but Stella just holds onto him tighter.

'Can I help you' Harry mumbles his voice hoarse and low

'I'm cold' Stella whines, Harry then wraps his legs and his arms around Stella covering the blankets over them

'Why did you leave last night?' Harry asks kissing the top of her head, Stella is tracing his chest tattoo's and thinks about maybe them getting a matching one

'Amber needed me'

'Is she alright?'

'She's getting an abortion today, will it be okay for you to watch Alexa or something? I'm sure she's going to be pretty cranky when she gets home, she's going to be crying so much god I dont think I could-'

'Hey, hey it's okay. I'll bring her round to Zayns or something, we could take the dog to the park' Harry suggest still holding her close

'Alright thanks banana' Stella mumbles pushing her face against his chest

'Why am I banana?' he laughs

'Because you love bananas'

'So does that mean I get to call you Harry?' Harry asks and Stella looks up at him in confusion

'Why am I Harry?'

'Because you love Harry'

Stella breaks out in a grin and giggles 'That I do, Styles. That I do'

-

It's 3pm when they get back from the clinique and Amber is in a horribly sad mood. She cried on the way back home sobbing about how she just killed a life and she regrets it. Sometimes Stella wants to slap her and tell her to snap out of it.

'You hungry?' Stella asks dropping her bag on the floor and toes off her vans

Amber shakes her head no and lays on the couch, she wraps herself in a blanket that was folded neatly on the arm of the couch.

'Want to go to Zayns? Alexa is there playing with Hitachi'

'No'

'Want to-'

'Jesus fucking christ Stella I just got an abortion! I just want to fucking sleep' she snaps, Stella just rolls her eyes and goes to put her vans back on

'Whatever, I'm going over to Zayns you know where _your daughter_ is. Stop being dead for fucks sake, there is another life out there that needs your support and love. Quit being so selfish' Stella says before slamming the door, she takes a deep breath of the cold air. She hates being like this with her sister but it's true isnt it? Amber is so caught up in her sadness that she's forgetting reality, Alexa is by herself basically when it's just the two of them. Amber is locked in her room while Alexa is in front of the tv coloring or something.

Stella is the only one who can snap her sister out of this.

-

Once Stella is in Zayn's house she starts to pace and rant back and fourth. Harry and Zayn are sitting on the couch watching a football game while Alexa is on the floor eating dry cereal and coloring with Niall.

'I mean she's _always_ moping around, she's never in a good mood anymore. Poor Alexa she's always around those horrible moods, and I just want to help you know? But I cant save her, and that's what she wants. She wants a man to piece her back together and make her whole again but no one can do that for her she has to do it herself. She's the only one who can save herself, why cant she understand that- _are you listening!?_ ' Stella shouts at them

'Oh yeah, totally' Zayn says not turning around to even look at her

She groans and goes to sit next to Harry

'I just want her to be okay again' Stella whispers leaning against his shoulder, Harry puts his arm around her and rubs her arm.

'Just give her some time, love. She has had a rough couple of months, time heals wounds' Zayn says after moment. Stella doesnt answer she just nods and enjoys the comfort of Harry's arms.

'So did you really sleep with her boyfriend?' Harry asks during a commercial break, Stella just nods 'Why?'

Stella shruggs 'Dunno, he was hot and I thought It'd piss her off' Stella says cant containing her laugh

'You really were the trouble maker back then werent you?' Harry says his dimples popping

'You have no idea'

-

When they arrive back at Amber's house, just Alexa and Stella (Harry went back to his flat to check in with Liam and get settled in again) Amber is in the kitchen talking on the phone a mile a minute. She's showerd and put on fresh clothes and she's almost glowing.

Stella puts Alexa's bag she was carrying down on the couch and toes off her vans, Alexa runs in the kitchen and hugs her mums leg. Amber get's off the phone then and bends down and gives Alexa a big hug, telling her to go get a coat and pack a overnight bag because there going to grandma's house.

Alexa squels excitedly and runs past Stella taking her tinkerbell back pack with her.

'Grandma's house?' Stella asks coming into the kitchen

'Yeah thought I'd pop in to see mum, to catch up and stuff' she says not meeting Stella's eye. 'You should come with us'

'Um, no thank you. I have to go flat hunting tommrow, and I need to call Kelly and see Liam. I'm quiet busy'

Amber looks at her then and puts her hand on her shoulder 'Look if things between you and Harry do work out you should really take him home to mum. Have you even met his parents?'

Stella hasnt really thought about any of that, about the next chapter in there lives that could be unfolding and it's a bit frightening. 'I'll get around to it, dont worry about me.'   
She hugs her sister and doesnt mention it but is happy her sister is feeling better.

Alexa and Amber leave an hour later, with a rush of goodbyes and hugs. Stella leans against the closed door for a few minutes taking in the silence. She hasnt really been alone in awhile, alone in a flat is very rare for Stella, someone is always around. Whether it be Harry, Kelly or Niall, it's strange but nice.

Stella take's a shower and lays around the house, chatting with Kelly on the phone.

'I've emailed you some flat's in London that I think you'll like, I've also set up a meeting with a realiter tommrow at around 1. You'll meet her at starbucks.'

'Your always looking out for me arent you, Kelly?'

'It is my job'

'True, how's the baby?'

'Still unborn but is ready to be' Kelly says sounding very tired and Stella realizes how late it is in New York

'We'll talk tommrow? You sound very tired, I'll call after I'm done looking at flats. Get some sleep, love'

'Alright talk to you tommrow, be safe' Kelly says before the line goes dead.

Stella sits in silence for about 10 minutes before calling up Harry.

'Hellllloooooo?'

'Harry, hi'

'Stella, what goes on my love'

'Erm nothing I'm home alone in my sisters house, with nothing to do.'

'Oh really?'

'Yeah'

'Shall I come over?'

'Yes, come entertain your queen'

Harry snorts and Stella grins

'Alright, I'll be there in 10. With snacks'

'Okay I'll be waiting for you'

'I love you Stella'

and it's like this is the first time it's just for them, y'know? It's not a drunken text and it's not in a angry fight between them or in a crowded airport; there emotions over the edge. Some girls dream there real first _i love you_ that's real and serious should be some big thing requiring rose petals leading them to a table on the beach at sunset.

Stella doesnt want bullshit like that. She's perfectly fine with Harry Styles saying it over a cloudy phone line, she's okay with it because this time it's _real._ It's him coming back to Stella over and over and Stella going back to him over and over because whether or not they do or dont last it will always be _them._ It's fate and Stella know's that now, the universe destined for them to be together and that's the best part. It's Harry at 6 in the morning walking home from a wild party and it's Harry at 6 night eating cereal for dinner on the kitchen floor.

Ever since she ran into him on registration day at the University Stella knew it was him, it's them today, tommrow, and forever.

'I love you too, Harry' Stella says not being able to contain her grin.

She see's Bethany across the couch from her then, her auburn hair is up in a bun and she's smiling dopely at Stella. She nods at Stella before giving her a wink then dispearring.

'Good, because I want you to marry me'

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, I think i'll write another part just because I don't want this to end. lol, thank you for being apart of this. I've been working on this series since last year, its just a big story in my head that I put into words. Even if no one has read this I don't care, I finally finished my first book type thing. and for a starter writer that's huge for me. Anyway stay wonderful. xxxxxxxxx ( : ps. I hope I've progressed from the first fic to now lmao I cringe at my writing !


	26. Twenty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, sort of an epilogue but not really? There will be another part 4 which im excited about. Thank you for reading!!

'What?' Stella asks, electricity is running through her whole body and she suddenly feels so light, like her heart might explode. Its quiet on the other end except for his breathing and the whole flat is fucking silent.

Then Stella hears the front door open then foot steps. Then there's Harry standing in the door way of the living room in black skinny jeans and a red flannel, he's got a beanie tucked over his curls and Stella's eyes fill with tears. Because honestly Harry has killed her.

She watches him from the couch, she's still sitting there with her phone to her ear in shock. He hangs up the phone and pockets it

'I said I want you to marry me' he repeats and Stella drops her phone from her hand and it lands on the couch with a thud she gets up then suddenly hyper aware of those words Harry had just said.

He walks further into the living room and continues 'I know were young and still have our whole lives ahead of us but I dont want to think about the rest of my life without you in it. I want you to be next to me for every journey I go through, I want to fall asleep next to you every night and see your beautiful eyes every morning.' He walks closer and takes Stella's hand.

Then he gets down on one knee and Stella's heart explodes and it's like the world is stopped and the only thing to ever exist is Harry here with her. He takes a black box out of his flannel pocket and holds it up and opens it, inside a diamond ring sits snug and Stella's lip trembles.

'So I ask you Stella Courage will you please Marry me and make me the happiest person in the world? It's you at six am walking home from a wild party and you at 10pm eating cereal on the kitchen floor' he says and Stella remembers that's what she had said to him in the airport where it all seemed to crumble and come back together.

He stares up at her with shining moss green eyes and Stella nods frantically, 'Yes, yes, _oh god yes'_ she says feeling her insides explode. Harry get's up instantly and Stella jumps into his arms hugging him so tightly she feels like she'll disapear if she lets go.

They pull apart a little so Harry could slip the ring on her finger and it looks so beautiful there, Stella doesnt ever want her finger without this ring.

'I love you' Stella says crying, hugging Harry tightly against her chest again 'so much'

'I love you more'

-

The next moring Stella wakes up next to Harry. He's still asleep so Stella could really finally look at him, she's memorized him a million times and by now she knows him like the back of her hand but it seems different now. Because now there going to be married, Stella is going to have his last name and she's going to be a witness to the rest of his life. So she cuddles up to him closer not able to fall back asleep because for once her reality is better than her dreams.

After 5 minutes Stella gets up and leaves her sisters guest bedroom to go to the kitchen. She calls kelly and sits at the kitchen table.

'Hello'

'Kelly, it's Stella'

'Stella?'

'Yeah'

'What the fuck!?'

'I'm sorry I really am'

'I cannot believe you did that Stella, what were you thinking?'

'I really wasn't if I'm honest, I just had a moment of enlightment. For once I did what my head was screaming at me to do, rather than doing what I'm supposed to and thank god I did'

'You could have at least warned me, I had no Idea what you were doing and when I went to your apartment all i got was a i'm going back to London with no explanation. I thought you were just going to run off back to London with harry and I would never see you again'

'I would never do that to you Kelly, I just had to fix things with my sister is all. But I am moving back to London, and I'm going to live here so if you could help me I would love that'

'You have to close one door before you open the other, Stella. Come back to New York for a bit and get your life together here before you start it over in London.'

'Yeah, I suppose your right. How long do you think I would have to be gone?'

'I dunno, months maybe? You have to get your job situated, Deena is really ready to fire you, your whole life has been here for years. And what about me? Am I just not going to work for you anymore?'

'Come live with me in London'

'Stella my baby is due in two weeks, I cant. I dont know we will talk about it when you come back, we will go through all your papers and stuff.'

'Okay, sorry about everything Kelly, and thank you for being there through everything really. Without you I would literally be nothing'

'Of course baby Stells, I'm just glad your happy and got your future planned'

'Yeah I really do'

'So should I book your flight for tommrow?'

'Tommrow? I just got here'

'Stella you have to save your job and pay your bills, you literally have no time'

'Cant you do it all for me?'

'I have zero time as well, I have a child ready to come out of my body any second and everything has to be ready.'

'Oh Alright, book it for tommrow night, I still have to lay all of this on Harry'

'Okay, i'll email the ticket, call me when you leave for the airport I'll send a car. Good luck, love you'

'Love you to'

the line went dead after that and Stella locks her phone and puts her head down on the table, feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

It's only 8 so Stella crawls back into bed with Harry and enjoys the time she has left with him.

-

They get up around 11 Stella being able to fall back asleep for a few hours, then they end up getting dressed and having donuts in the park. They talk and laugh and everything feels so good and fresh and happy but sooner or later Stella has to drop the bomb

'So i talked to Kelly this morning'

'Did you?'

'Yeah, and we discussed some stuff'

'Like what?' Harry asks looking across the park at some kids playing footie

'Um, I have to go back to New York for 3 months'

Harry's head turns suddenly to look at Stella but Stella doesnt look at him, she just stares down at her coffee cups. She traces the lid with her thin finger and really wishes she didnt have to do what she is told.

'What?' he asks a bit panicky and confused

'I have to close one door before I open the other' Stella says

'What does that mean?' Harry asks a bit offended 'Were you seeing someone else in New York? I mean like before I came?'

'What? No, no that's not what I mean.' Stella says finally looking at him 'I just have to get my life situated in New York before I could start it over in London'

'Then I'm coming with you' Harry says but Stella just shakes her head sadly feeling her throat close up

'No Harry your not' Stella says quietly, she looks up at him then and he's got a hurt expression 'Your life is here in London and I'm not gonna let you take another year off of Uni because of me, I'll be back' Stella says putting her hand up to cup his cheek

'But we just got back together' Harry whispers searching Stella's eyes

'Were not breaking up Harry, I'm going to Marry you okay? I just have to get everything situated and I swear i'm coming back home' Stella is trying to reassure him now '3 months or less'

Harry nods against her hand and grabs her wrist gently kissing the side of it 'Alright, i understand, when are you leaving?'

Stella sighs in relief, she stupidly thought Harry would be so angry with her 'Tomorrow night'

'Okay but on one conditon'

Stella nods along

'We tell everyone about the engagement tonight at a dinner party that we are the host of'

Stella wasnt really looking forward to telling anyone so soon, still wanted it to be just for them but I guess she has no room to argue since she wont even be around for a few months so she agrees.

Harry grins so big at that, 'I'll cook and you invite'

He gets up from the bench then and puts his hand up for Stella to take, she puts her hand in his and he pulls her close and kisses her.

'Lets go to the grocery store'

-

At around 6:30 Stella leaves her sisters room dressed in Harry's black and white striped saint laurent t-shirt with black jeans and her cut out booties that she barrowed from her sister. Her hair is in a neat high pony tail and her makeup natural and light.

When she gets to the kitchen there's pasta in a big pan and garlic bread on a plate, Amber is making salad in a big bowl while Alexa is watching a movie in the living room.

He sister had come home just a few minutes after Harry and Stella had gotten home from the grocery store. Stella had told her about the engagement but of course she already new saying _it's about time._

Stella invited all of there friends telling them to all come over for dinner and of course no one had plans and there all due to be at the door in 10 minutes.

'Where's Harry?' Stella asks

'Getting dressed' Amber says in complete focus cutting up tomatoes

Stella goes to there shared guest bedroom and see's Harry buttoning his crisp white button up, he paired it with black jeans and his black boots and somehow they always match.

Stella stands infront of him and fixes his coller and brushes his long curls off of his forehead.

'You know sometimes I dont know how your real' Stella mumbles and Harry looks at her and grins, he leans in and kisses her forehead

'You nervous?'Harry asks and Stella pauses and nods a frown covering her features

'Why love?'

'Well because both of our families are coming as well as friends, I just dont want to deal with my mum tonight. This is supposed to be a happy night and I dont want her to ruin it'

'She wont, darling. It's going to be a amazing night, she will be supportive'

Stella just nods weakly and hopes for the best. They leave the room together and go into the kitchen helping Amber get all of the plates and silver wear together.

At around 7:15 the doorbell rings and Harry answers it, then voices start filling up the flat and it seems that everyone arrives at the same time like they carpooled or something.

She goes out to the foyer and right when she's in view of the door way she bumps into a hard body that ends up being Liam. She hugs him tightly and she's very happy to see him

'Hi love,' he says pulling away 'This is my girlfriend, Sophia' he introduces a very pretty girl

'Hi Stella, it's so nice to finally meet you' she grins and Stella pulls her in for a hug as well because Stella is filled with so much love right now it's overwhelming.

'Lovely to meet you to, please get some drinks in the kitchen' she smiles and moves on to the other guest she must greet.

Next is Niall and he fucking bear hugs Stella 'Missed you' he mumbles into her shoulder

and it's like she's hugging and greeting person after person getting closer and closer to Harry which makes the love that fills Stella ready to burst. Because all these people are here for them. After Louis and Jesy and Jade and Harry's sister Zayn walks through the open door with Perrie. He hugs Harry then see's Stella and Zayn has _always_ been her favorite person

'Hi love' he smiles and give a long embrace

'missed you' she grins up at him and she feels strong and so happy. After that she hugs Perrie, Ashton, Luke, Lou and her daughter Lux and a few of Harry's friends she briefly remembers from Uni and then there isnt anyone left in the foyer to say hi to.

Except a dark haired woman comes in next followed by a man with grey hair, and Harry immdiatly lights up when he see's them and it could only be his mum. They hug for quiet some time and Stella just kind of stands by and watches letting them have there moment. But then Harry turns and catches Stella's eye, he holds his hand out for her and Stella immediatly goes and takes it. He puts his arm around her shoulders and introduces his mother as Anne and his step-dad as Robin. Stella gives both of them hugs and welcomes them to her sisters home.

They leave the foyer and into the kitchen and Stella feels her stomach drop because there's one person who still hasnt showed up.

'She'll be here' Harry mumbles against her temple before kissing it. Harry leads her to the kitchen and everyone is already serving themselves and sitting at the long table that they borrowed from the neighbor across the street.

Stella chat's with Gemma while pouring her a glass of wine when she see's her mother in the entry way of the kitchen. Everyone around her is in there own world talking and laughing loudly around them, Harry doesnt even notice her he's talking to his mum and Niall.

It seems that Stella and Alexa are the only ones who notice her because Alexa runs up to her and her mum picks her up. Stella gives Gemma her glass of wine and tells her she'll be right back. She walks to her mum and she re-dyed her hair so it's all black and long and you could just tell that there related.

'Mum' Stella says going straight in for a hug, and her mum hug her back tightly 'I'm so glad you came' and it's the truth

'I wouldnt miss it for the world' she says grabbing Stella's hand and her mums voice is full of warmth and Stella feels it in her bones and she feels better, like all her stress about what this whole dinner is about went away.

'I want you to meet someone' Stella says turning around but not letting go of her mums hand, she quickly scans the room for Harry and his back is turned to her while he laughs with Liam and Sophia. 'One second'

She goes to Harry and puts her hand on his back before standing next to him, Harry looks at her and Stella nods her head towards her mums direction. He nods and excuses himself form the conversation, her hand finds his and she leads him to where she's hugging Amber.

'Mum, this is Harry' she says and her mum turns around, then she smiles so warmly at them and Stella's heart swells

'Lovely to finally meet you! I'm Claire' she says pulling Harry in for a hug

'Nice to meet you, so glad you could make it' Harry grins back at her 'Could I get you a drink?'

'That would be lovely' Harry gives Stella wink before leading her to wear all the drinks are. And Stella hangs back and watches them start to talk and Stella's heart swells.

She feels a hand in hers then and Stella turns and it's Bethanys, her hair is curled and it's like she's here in real life with them.

'See what happens when you let things work out for themselves?' she says and kisses Stella's cheek before vanishing.

'Alright everyone sit!' she hears Amber call, and I guess it's now or never?

-

'Um we have an announcement to make' Harry says and everyone suddenly stops talking it's an hour in and everyone is almost done. He stands up and puts his hand out to Stella and she grabs it and Stands up with him. He puts his arm around her shoulder

'Were engaged' Stella says and all at the same time everyone sighs with relief, her eyebrows knit in confusion and she looks up to Harry who is also confusion

'Why the sigh of relief?' he asks and Stella see's Niall laugh, that bastard is always laughing Stella thinks to herself

'We thought you were pregnant' Jade exclaims and the table nods along before standing up and clapping and cheering at the news. There's a few _finally!_ 's and _Those fuckers have been falling over each other for years!_ that one is from Louis and Stella makes a mental note to pinch him later.

Stella's mum is the first to get to them, and she hugs Stella tightly while kissing her cheek 'I'm so proud of you Stella, i'm so happy and proud. I dont say that enough and I'm sorry for it'

Stella could almost cry at those words, it's all she's wanted to hear since she was 15 'thank you mum, I love you'

'I love you to Sweetheart' her mum pulls away and cups her cheek and she's got tears in her eyes. 'Now I must go, I have to be up early for work' she hugs Harry then and says goodbye to Amber and Alexa and to Harry's parents then she's gone.

She would have protested she stay longer but she knows how her mother is, she'll be all mushy and real then she will leave. Stella would hate to admit but she really is like her mother.

Stella and Harry get congratulations and hugs and kisses on the cheek before everyone goes back to there food and conversations. Harry's parents leave short after and say how happy they are for them and how they must come to Holmes Chapel for a few days and Stella agrees of course.

So when there standing by the door just after Harry's parents left Stella brings Harry in for a long kiss. She's wanted to do it all night but never had the chance, but before they pull away they hear a camera go off. It's Niall with his phone in one hand and a beer in the other.

'My kids are all grown up' he says and he really has tears in his eyes.

'Aww Ni' Stella says going over to him and giving him a hug

'I'm just so happy for you guys, after all the bullshit you two went through it's nice to see a happy ending you know?' she knows, she hugs him again then Louis comes over to tease him and then there's banter between Harry, Louis, and Niall that Stella is just about to jump into to when she see's Zayn go outside to the balcony.

He didnt say much when they announced it, just gave her a quick hug and a smile. So Stella follows him out to the balcony, it's cold a cold still night and Zayn is leaning against the balcony smoking a ciggarette. Stella stands next to him wordlessly as Zayn hands her the pack and the lighter, she lights up and they wordlessly smoke for a few minutes.

'So your getting married?' Zayn says finally

'Yeah' she answers and its suddenly so surreal

'Congrats by the way, I'm happy for you Stells' he puts out his cigarrette and turns to Stella, his body facing her but still leaning against the railing. Stella doesnt turn to him just takes another drag 'You alright?'

'I dont know?' Stella admits looking at Zayn then 'I'm just so happy and overwhelmed, to hear my mother say the words I have wanted her to say since I was fifteen is weird. To marry the person I have loved since I was eighteen is even weirder. To go through all of this without my bestfriend is even worse. To think a few years ago I was crying myself to sleep and wondering if I should book the flight to New York, and now I'm here and i'm getting married.' Stella's eyes fill up with tears 'I was so fucking scared, Zayn so fucking scared that my life was never going to start, everyone around me was getting married and starting there amazing careers and moving on with relationships. Then there was with me trying to not be in love with my bestfriend because he had a controlling girlfriend' Stella almost laughs at that 'It's just so sureal that im in this position and i'm so happy, so fucking happy. I mean half of me died when Bethany did but I'm ready for Harry to become that half that is missing, but at the same time i'm afraid, because last time I did that I ran away to New York for five years. But i think i'm tired of being afraid, I'm ready to just let my cautious walls down.'

Zayn doesnt say anything for a moment, he lights up another cigarrette and stares into the city lights. He turns to Stella then and pulls her in for a long hug careful to keep the cigarette away from her hair.

'I'm so proud of you Stella, you came a long way and you deserve this happiness, you deserve this happily ever after.' He kisses her cheek then and then they pull away and Stella starts to laugh, her cheeks are wet with tears but the best kind.

'I'm going back to New York tommrow night, just to sort out my life over there, but I will be back. 3 months tops'

'3 months tops? Is this why you told everyone so quickly?'

Stella nods, Zayn grins and stubs out there cigarrettes before leading them back inside.

And when she walks in and see's Harry laughing loudly with Gemma, Amber and Louis she knows that its going to be a lifetime with him. She knows that there love will never end, it will never fade.

-

The cab comes quite quickly if Stella is honest. She's just put her bags by the door when she hears the honk. Harry emerges from the guest bedroom where he helped her pack he doesnt look to sad which Stella is relieved about. Stella hugs her sister and her niece in the foyer and they promise to facetime everyday, and when she get's her new home in London they will have sleepover's every friday.

Amber takes Alexa upstairs for a bath so Stella and Harry could have some time alone. He helps her put her suitcase in the cab and once the trunk slams closed Stella is in his arms.

They hug in silence; Stella's arms around his neck tightly; letting a tear fall out of her eyes slowly, with Harry's arms around her waist swaying them slightly. Stella never wants to let go.

'Hey I have something for you' Harry mumbles kissing her shoulder, they pull apart slightly and Harry puts a small square ipod in her hand, before closing her hand around it. 'Something to remind you of home'

She kisses him, slow full of passion because she know's it's going to be the last one fore awhile.

'3 months'

'3 months' Harry repeats, he kisses her forehead before stepping around Stella and opening the door for her. She gets in and he shuts it, she looks up at him through the window and she fucking hates leaving again. She hates that they have to be apart when they just got together, she hates that they wont see each other except through a screen for 3 months. She hates that she wont feel his hand in hers for months.

'Where to?' the cab asks

'Heathrow airport' Stella says without looking away from Harry, the car moves away from the curb slowly and she waves and Harry waves and blows a kiss. She stares at him through the back window until they turn the corner and she isnt able to see him anymore.

-

She enters her flat at 6:30 pm and the time differance is really fucking her up. Her flat is dark and empty and really quiet and Stella suddenly doesnt understand how she lived her by herself all these years. She turns all the light on and it's exactly how she left it, there's papers on the coffee table and dishes in the sink. She walks through her flat that she's lived a huge part of her life in and she doesnt want to give it up, she really doesnt. But for Harry she will. She rolls her bag to her room and there's still her unmade bed and clothes everywhere from her sudden packing to try and get to London. Weird how everything is the same but also so differant.

She sheds off her clothes and plugs in the ipod Harry gave her and the first song that comes on is _Jersey_ by Mayday Parade and Stella's eyes fill with tears because she remembers. And she loves that Harry remembers, that they saw this band the first day they spent together.

Then it's _Talk Tonight_ by Oasis and a bunch of others that make Stella have nostaligia and know how much this is all _Harry._

And she really wouldnt want to marry anyone else ever.

 


End file.
